Good morning/ afternoon/ evening/ night to everyone. I've been reading your Threads since a couple of months and only a few days ago I decided to subscribe to this community.
I hope i can post a presentation and to discuss my suicidal Plan. I apologize to the administrators/moderators if I made a mistake in posting here.
I don't speak English as a native speaker or mothertongue, so i ask you forgiveness if i made mistakes.
I am an autistic and ADHD women from southern europe. So i'm "neurodivergent". I think I am also depressed after the death of my mother who had been my anchor and my salvation for years.
Unfortunately, also due to my condition, I wasn't able to graduate in what I would have most desired and now I've given up on it and I'll never graduate. I'm not working. I hate being autistic and ADHD, this Is my "doom"(?) or condemnation.
I hate my life but my paternal family even more. My mother was always depressed, she couldn't take care of me when i was baby and young girl. I was Always alone and i growth alone, no one ever took care of me. My father was physically and emotionally absent, we say he was married to her mother. We lived together, but the wedding of my parents was a disaster. He has always been an alcoholic. Despite working and despite our family was wealthy( thanks to my mother), in the evening he drank too much. I went through a childhood and adolescence of terror: my mother and I had to lock ourselves in the bedroom because he exploded every week and sometimes 2/3 times a week, he broke everything, cursed and even beat my mother( i suspect he is autistic and these were autistic meltdowns). I was only the object of his ridicule, his insults and his blasphemies. For him, my mother and I belonged to an inferior race. His race was represented by him, his nephew (a beast like him) and his mother with whom he had a murky relationship and from which he never separated mentally and physically (she was a bad and violent woman). Basically he and his mother hated my mother and me and made our lives a hell.
My mother recently died and I am happy for her, she got rid of a beast that was never close to her during her illness. He was too busy looking after his nephew's interest than giving a caress or a hug to a dying woman. I define him his nephew's dog or slave, he has always done everything his nephew says. He left his wife alone, she was forced into a vegetative state in bed and I will never forgive him for this disgust. He wished his wife to die because she was just only in vegetative state and a burden in this society, for him she had to die. I took care of her alone for about 2 and a half years. He humiliated me further by recommending that I kill myself and even wanted to accompany me to throw me off a bridge. He is the classic father who would prefer to see his offspring killed rather than alive.
According to my friend, in addition to suffering from depression, I also suffer from post traumatic, but with a situation like this it's normal, it would have been better for me if my father had died insted of being so disgusting.
I've been planning my suicide since before my mother died, when she was terminal. Initially I thought about giving myself an overdose of paracetamol, but having studied in the healthcare sector I know the risk of failure and saving myself and I don't want to be saved. The second idea was to die dehydrated but even that was difficult to do because I fear it would take too long. Since I started reading this website I understood that the best method for me is the sn. I don't feel like jumping off a bridge as my father suggested, I'm too afraid of ending up in a vegetative state, idem death by hanging, and I don't have the economic resources to commit suicide in nearby Switzerland. I just wish I could die peacefully in my bed, close to where I have all the memories of my mother. I want peace and that the family of monster no longer violates my dreams, i don't want to wake up in terror every morning.
I have already ordered metoclopramide, I have to buy paracetamol but it is easy to have It in my country. Unfortunately I can't find benzodiazepines but i can say that I'm not afraid of anything anymore, I just want peace, i'm quiet. For the sn I have already found the source, I just have to buy it. As I have already written, I only want peace and to no longer see the man who was supposed to protect me but who destroyed my life and his cursed family who always defended him. I already know that I won't reach my mother with this death, but I hope that wherever I go I will find someone kind and not beasts like the ones I found here.
And when I will commit suicide in my room I intend to leave all the recordings on a flash drive of all the horrible words he said to me. I still hope in earthly justice and that his true nature emerges. My suicide will be a protest but I would rather die than live a life of suffering and agony.
Thank you for anyone who reads my message and for anyone who speaks kind words to me. I just need comfort and kind words, not destruction and horrible words. When the time comes I will share my goodbye and how I committed suicide.
A big hug to the whole community.
I hope i can post a presentation and to discuss my suicidal Plan. I apologize to the administrators/moderators if I made a mistake in posting here.
I don't speak English as a native speaker or mothertongue, so i ask you forgiveness if i made mistakes.
I am an autistic and ADHD women from southern europe. So i'm "neurodivergent". I think I am also depressed after the death of my mother who had been my anchor and my salvation for years.
Unfortunately, also due to my condition, I wasn't able to graduate in what I would have most desired and now I've given up on it and I'll never graduate. I'm not working. I hate being autistic and ADHD, this Is my "doom"(?) or condemnation.
I hate my life but my paternal family even more. My mother was always depressed, she couldn't take care of me when i was baby and young girl. I was Always alone and i growth alone, no one ever took care of me. My father was physically and emotionally absent, we say he was married to her mother. We lived together, but the wedding of my parents was a disaster. He has always been an alcoholic. Despite working and despite our family was wealthy( thanks to my mother), in the evening he drank too much. I went through a childhood and adolescence of terror: my mother and I had to lock ourselves in the bedroom because he exploded every week and sometimes 2/3 times a week, he broke everything, cursed and even beat my mother( i suspect he is autistic and these were autistic meltdowns). I was only the object of his ridicule, his insults and his blasphemies. For him, my mother and I belonged to an inferior race. His race was represented by him, his nephew (a beast like him) and his mother with whom he had a murky relationship and from which he never separated mentally and physically (she was a bad and violent woman). Basically he and his mother hated my mother and me and made our lives a hell.
My mother recently died and I am happy for her, she got rid of a beast that was never close to her during her illness. He was too busy looking after his nephew's interest than giving a caress or a hug to a dying woman. I define him his nephew's dog or slave, he has always done everything his nephew says. He left his wife alone, she was forced into a vegetative state in bed and I will never forgive him for this disgust. He wished his wife to die because she was just only in vegetative state and a burden in this society, for him she had to die. I took care of her alone for about 2 and a half years. He humiliated me further by recommending that I kill myself and even wanted to accompany me to throw me off a bridge. He is the classic father who would prefer to see his offspring killed rather than alive.
According to my friend, in addition to suffering from depression, I also suffer from post traumatic, but with a situation like this it's normal, it would have been better for me if my father had died insted of being so disgusting.
I've been planning my suicide since before my mother died, when she was terminal. Initially I thought about giving myself an overdose of paracetamol, but having studied in the healthcare sector I know the risk of failure and saving myself and I don't want to be saved. The second idea was to die dehydrated but even that was difficult to do because I fear it would take too long. Since I started reading this website I understood that the best method for me is the sn. I don't feel like jumping off a bridge as my father suggested, I'm too afraid of ending up in a vegetative state, idem death by hanging, and I don't have the economic resources to commit suicide in nearby Switzerland. I just wish I could die peacefully in my bed, close to where I have all the memories of my mother. I want peace and that the family of monster no longer violates my dreams, i don't want to wake up in terror every morning.
I have already ordered metoclopramide, I have to buy paracetamol but it is easy to have It in my country. Unfortunately I can't find benzodiazepines but i can say that I'm not afraid of anything anymore, I just want peace, i'm quiet. For the sn I have already found the source, I just have to buy it. As I have already written, I only want peace and to no longer see the man who was supposed to protect me but who destroyed my life and his cursed family who always defended him. I already know that I won't reach my mother with this death, but I hope that wherever I go I will find someone kind and not beasts like the ones I found here.
And when I will commit suicide in my room I intend to leave all the recordings on a flash drive of all the horrible words he said to me. I still hope in earthly justice and that his true nature emerges. My suicide will be a protest but I would rather die than live a life of suffering and agony.
Thank you for anyone who reads my message and for anyone who speaks kind words to me. I just need comfort and kind words, not destruction and horrible words. When the time comes I will share my goodbye and how I committed suicide.
A big hug to the whole community.
