My recovery diary

[ChildOfLove]

I never anticipated I would be joining the SS recovery forum with a thread like this but here I am.

Last time I posted I was in an extremely dark place, thinking my only and first ever friend had committed suicide (he had abandoned me in May of last year), I then tried to ctb shortly after, failed, got admitted into the psych ward for the first time, stayed there almost a month, got out, got diagnosed with ASD and essentially BPD, started therapy and whatnot (although it has not been of any help so far).
Then mid December he suddenly contacted me again. At first things were going surprisingly well. We started talking again and were on good terms despite how we had left things months prior.

But instead of maintaining a healthy friendship, I let my anxieties and insecurities quickly make it toxic and damaging to both of us.
My mind turned every small thing he did and said into proof that I was either cherished or being pushed away. When I felt ignored I lashed out, and when I got attention I clung to it desperately. I pressured him for responses, for validation, for proof that I still mattered. When I didn't get what I wanted and needed I spiraled into self-loathing, emotional outbursts, despair, and convinced myself that I was fundamentally unlovable and not enough. Despite the progress I had made, these old patterns crept back in. To top it off there was the constant overanalyzing and overthinking, the desperate need for reassurance, the paralyzing fear that I was going to lose him again, the compulsive checking, saving, and sending hundreds and hundreds of messages, reading into things that weren't there. I became consumed by the thought that he didn't care as much as I did, that everything I valued, including our friendship, was meaningless to him.
These feelings and behaviors never truly disappeared. They only lay dormant until the first sign of instability reawakened them. Even when I recognized these patterns, I couldn't stop. I wasn't able to control any of it. I was just watching myself and our relationship fall apart in real time. I hate that I am like this so fucking much.

Naturally he was not able to bear it any longer and said he was gonna shut off and then that he was gonna leave for good. That really felt like a wake-up call. I didn't want to give up on us and so I made up my mind to actually try and make an effort to change my negative thought patterns and various behaviors driven by my BPD and anxious attachment.
I really want to change for him. I want to be a better friend and not be as dependent on him. I want to change for myself too, but right now he is my main motivation. I don't have any other driving force that would push me toward change. Maybe if I can seriously get better, I'll be able to help him too.
I figured it might help to document my progress here. He is still the only person I talk to, and I am not able to talk with my therapist about this.

So yeah. I need to share this recovery journey with someone. I also want to avoid burdening him with even more messages. So far, I haven't 'relapsed' (it's been three days).
My biggest fear right now is that he will withdraw completely, fearing that he might hinder my progress by staying in my life. But I'm trying not to focus on that possibility.

If anyone wants to talk or maybe even become friends, I'd appreciate some company. Maybe someone is in a similar situation, and if so, I'd love to hear your thoughts and how you deal with this kind of thing.

 

[whitetaildeer]

i've been in your friend's exact position. i obviously cannot speak for him, but there is absolutely nothing more i wanted than for the other person with bpd/anxious attachment to recognize their destructive habits and change. unfortunately, i will never know if they have changed... but your friend will have that opportunity. and that is extraordinarily kind of you.

i am wishing you the best, op. for both you and your friendship. because the best is what you deserve.

 

[ChildOfLove]

i've been in your friend's exact position. i obviously cannot speak for him, but there is absolutely nothing more i wanted than for the other person with bpd/anxious attachment to recognize their destructive habits and change. unfortunately, i will never know if they have changed... but your friend will have that opportunity. and that is extraordinarily kind of you.

i am wishing you the best, op. for both you and your friendship. because the best is what you deserve.

Thank you for your encouraging words, they mean a lot to me

I think I finally understood that from the other person's perspective dealing with a situation like this isn't easy at all and can be incredibly draining. Especially if they already have their own struggles. I really hope I can do better moving forward.

 

[ChildOfLove]

[Venting?]
It's been nine days since he last texted me. He hasn't gone quiet for that long since we started talking again. I'm worried that maybe he put his disc account up for deletion (he did that once already and he could again). It takes two weeks for it to get permanently deleted if you don't sign in again so these days are particularly painful to endure. Maybe I'm being paranoid or just laughable to whoever is reading this shit, but he is really the first friend I've ever had and this feels like the end of the world to me. I've known him for nearly two years now. I don't have anyone else like him in my life. I don't even have a good relationship with my parents, who used to abuse me, or any other relatives.

I've never had a social life. There are so many things keeping me from having one. ASD makes it hard to relate to people and form meaningful connections, BPD makes it hard to keep them. On top of that, I already am a difficult person to like and to bear with. And on the flip side, I don't easily like other people without feeling like I'm forcing myself to. I've been urged to find friends my age, but it is basically impossible to connect with my peers. It was impossible even in elementary school. My friend is actually eight years older than me.
I've been alone all my life except for when he was there, even though we've only texted so far and kinda called once.
He means everything to me and I care for him deeply. I don't want to lose him and I know I'm just gonna end up alone forever if he truly is gone. I feel like this was my only chance at friendship and I've permanently ruined it. It's unbearable to sit alone with these thoughts and I don't know what to do.