Venting My soul is tired.

[Omnia131]

Like there's an ache here that keeps me up at night. Food has lost flavor and I just want to walk till I fall off somewhere and just lay there.
I don't want to talk to people. I do not want to see or hear anything.
I am so tired. I want to cry till I shrivel up.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also feel really tired of it all as well, I'll feel tired of suffering as long as I exist.

 

[Omnia131]

I feel very much like I overstayed my welcome here.

 

[afternoontea]

Yeah, I feel pretty disassociated from reality most days. I just look at my phone and play video games and pretend the outside world doesn't exist.

 

[Omnia131]

Yeah, I feel pretty disassociated from reality most days. I just look at my phone and play video games and pretend the outside world doesn't exist.

I can't even distract myself with social media (outside of this site) and games.
Everything is just grey.

 

[Goosechan]

I want to cry till I shrivel up.

This struck a string in my soul somewhere and it echos within now. I just wish I could lie down forever.

I just look at my phone and play video games and pretend the outside world doesn't exist.

Your posts are so relateable. On the one hand I think it's really perverse that they make mobile games so addicting, but it's a small relief when the addictingness is one of the few things that takes me mind off of CTBing.

 

[afternoontea]

Your posts are so relateable. On the one hand I think it's really perverse that they make mobile games so addicting, but it's a small relief when the addictingness is one of the few things that takes me mind off of CTBing.

yeah I feel the same way about mobile games - I do tend to get picky about the games I play though so I feel like I spend more time scrolling the game store trying to find one that I enjoy.

But honestly for me it's not just mobile games, it's any video game. I feel like once I'm interested in something my whole brain just kind of sinks into it and I can ignore anything else. It sucks during periods of time when I'm not depressed because I want to be using my time in a better way, but when I am depressed i consider it a blessing. I can just ignore everything else, and before I know it the day has already gone by and it's time to sleep.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to eat or go to the bathroom when I get immersed like that, so I can just fully disconnect. I definitely forget to eat sometimes and the hunger kind of sucks but oh well

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I feel the same way. I posted an optimistic comment on Recovery yesterday after working out. But that high only lasts a few hours. Woke up this morning in pain and it hasn't broken. It's quasi-physical, rock in the stomach, tightness in the chest.

I hate what my suicide would do to my parents and brothers. But the pain is ridiculous. I've been failing spiritually for decades. Yes, I was cowardly, lazy, dishonest, narcissistic, self-deluded. I plead guilty to all of it. It just seems like the damage is done and I can't reverse it as a 35yo manchild.

 

[Goosechan]

But honestly for me it's not just mobile games, it's any video game. I feel like once I'm interested in something my whole brain just kind of sinks into it and I can ignore anything else. It sucks during periods of time when I'm not depressed because I want to be using my time in a better way, but when I am depressed i consider it a blessing. I can just ignore everything else, and before I know it the day has already gone by and it's time to sleep.

They are really a double-edged sword, aren't they? If I can manage to recover a bit and my brain is less burnt out I wish I could go back to losing myself in proper videogames again. But for now it's too much for my tired, stewing brain.

I've been thinking too how nice it would be to not have a body to take care of all the time. I prefer being fed and clean over being hungry and dirty but just... All the stuff you have to do to take care of a body. I find it hard lately.

I hate what my suicide would do to my parents and brothers. But the pain is ridiculous. I've been failing spiritually for decades. Yes, I was cowardly, lazy, dishonest, narcissistic, self-deluded. I plead guilty to all of it. It just seems like the damage is done and I can't reverse it as a 35yo manchild.

Insight into your own shortcomings is already such an achievement and for that I really think you deserve to feel less pain. It sounds like you've been pulling through despite it all for a long time.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Insight into your own shortcomings is already such an achievement and for that I really think you deserve to feel less pain. It sounds like you've been pulling through despite it all for a long time.

I'm still scared of putting a period at the end of my existence for all time. I know there's no afterlife or relief to be felt. All you can do is finalize your life. This is it. It can have more or less pain. You'd end it rather than be tortured to death tomorrow. But there's nowhere to "go."

I coach a high school sport and would hate to lock myself up in inpatient midseason but I might get there. Strong drugs, ECT? Can anything stop the pain?

People live to 120. I won't be a d1 athlete again, but I'll be in decent physical health for a long time. Maybe there's a way to cut my losses and function. Can't say I know what it is.

 

[Goosechan]

I'm still scared of putting a period at the end of my existence for all time.

Maybe there's a way to cut my losses and function.

You're the one to decide ultimately, but I know for the fact that the people here at SaSu would be the biggest supporters of your recovery too if that is what you end up committing to. The things you write sound like there is value in life for you still and maybe...maybe that value can become bigger and bigger.

Inpatients stays and letting go of your regular routine can be scary. Having been an inpatient myself multiple times and having known a lot of people who were an inpatient at one point or another I can say it varies. For some people it is the right thing at the right moment. But seeing as how committing to recovery wouldn't take away the option to catch a later bus, I wouldn't feel bad giving you some gentle encouragement to explore your options in life too. There will always be a bus you can catch after.