Venting My State of affairs

[Crow_88]

I hope this is okay to post this here. Basically just a very honest appraisal of things,

Its all over one way or another. I travelled through Canada for 14 years searching for some sort of home. Instead my life just got worse and worse. I eventually fell into homelessness and would get out and then just fall back in. I would work jobs, get fired for reasons I was never told. I eventually got to a point where I couldn't work anymore. At that point I went into a two or three year hypomanic episode.

When I came out on the other end I had nothing, had destroyed almost all my relationships, had made a serious attempt on my life, had been banned from many placed, moved around the country without reason, and just barely managed to avert being outside for winter. I'm kind of just a jerk to everyone even though what I want is to understand how to be accepted.

I've now developed an extremely severe case of agoraphobia, had lost most of my already shoddy social skills, feel paranoid all the time, and realize that pretty much everything I ever believed about myself was a lie. Facebook memories exposed me to a lot of truth of the delusions I was living under.
Its been decades of the same cycle over and over with it getting worse and worse as the years passed.

So, at this point, I can't work, can't go outside, have no friends, and have realized I am without really anything of value or worth in my life. I ruined my life completely and don't even feel I'm really part of the human species anymore because I am so far away from the normal operation of society. No friends. No family. And ostracized wherever I go.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Aggoraphobia is basicly comes being shamed of yourself- it can get better, once you have dealt with the issues- for exsample if you have lost everything, you need to make situation more stable.

 

[ThisIsLife]

Idk what to say, just that I read your post, that I feel sorry your life has been this way mostly because homelessness is something that hits me in the guts.

When you'll have it unlocked, my DMs are open. Feel free to do it if you need to talk or vent.

 

[Crow_88]

Aggoraphobia is basicly comes being shamed of yourself- it can get better, once you have dealt with the issues- for exsample if you have lost everything, you need to make situation more stable.

Yeah. This makes a lot of sense since it is definitely a case of me looking over the last few years of behavior and being very ashamed.

Idk what to say, just that I read your post, that I feel sorry your life has been this way mostly because homelessness is something that hits me in the guts.

When you'll have it unlocked, my DMs are open. Feel free to do it if you need to talk or vent.

Hey thank you. Appreciated. And yeah, homelessness gets inside you and it changes you. You can get housed again but nothing is ever the same

 

[EternalLight]

Sorry to hear about your experiences. My life is similar in some ways. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere or among anyone and have spent years aimlessly moving from place to place as a kind of rootless wanderer that briefly appears in people's lives only to suddenly disappear. I'm also estranged from my family due to a thoroughly unpleasant childhood. Alienation is something all too familiar for me.

As for your current situation, have you any idea how your agoraphobia and paranoia have emerged? Working often sucks, but it gives some stability, distraction, and grounds from which you can consider your next moves. That'd be my focus. Often there's a door somewhere that you just can't see for whatever reason, not always, but it's often the case the younger you are. And if the number in your name is anything to go by, I guess you're my age, and that's not very old. I hope you're able to overcome the shackles of your past and find peace in your life.

 

[Crow_88]

Sorry to hear about your experiences. My life is similar in some ways. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere or among anyone and have spent years aimlessly moving from place to place as a kind of rootless wanderer that briefly appears in people's lives only to suddenly disappear. I'm also estranged from my family due to a thoroughly unpleasant childhood. Alienation is something all too familiar for me.

As for your current situation, have you any idea how your agoraphobia and paranoia have emerged? Working often sucks, but it gives some stability, distraction, and grounds from which you can consider your next moves. That'd be my focus. Often there's a door somewhere that you just can't see for whatever reason, not always, but it's often the case the younger you are. And if the number in your name is anything to go by, I guess you're my age, and that's not very old. I hope you're able to overcome the shackles of your past and find peace in your life.

It just slowly crept up on me over the years and I started getting really sensitive to others. I didn't really realize until it was quite bad. Looking back, it was there at a pretty young age due to maladaptive social traits. I suspect, at least.

I managed to get out today though and it felt pretty good. As for work, yeah I hear it. I haven't worked in years and kept on getting fired when I was. It would be nice to have some kind of consistency in something though. Some sort of group or responsibility. I appreciate the thoughtful response. Peace is exactly what I'm after. A sense that things are relatively okay and balanced. And for it to actually be true. I cycle quite often as well, go on crazy adventures that always have an expiry date and it's gotten worse as i've gotten older. It is definitely a do or die situation now. Again, thank you for taking the time!