Brokensoulwalking
Member
- Mar 14, 2023
- 45
As promised I would write my story and say my final goodbyes.
I write this to share my experiences with some of you who have been so kind and non judgemental of me no matter what.
I said last night that I planned for August to be my end date, unfortunately I have had to bring that forward to tonight. I've realised I am a danger to other people and they shouldn't have to suffer for my pain. I am driving erratic without a seat belt getting into many close calls.
I am also carrying a knife hoping someone will start a fight and then kill me. It's safest that I end it myself rather than drag someone down with me.
So onto my story. This is going to be difficult to write but I'm going to try and keep it as conversational as possible. My name is J.
We all come into this world the same way soaked in blood and screaming. Unfortunately, the lives we lead following this are very different as we have people we trust to mould us and raise us and it doesn't always work out the way it should.
I grew up very poor, and it was like the frustrations of us struggling was taken out on me and my sister. My earliest memory is my parents screaming at eachother, then me getting thrown into a wall because I came between them and smacking my head. And I don't remember much just crying, I was three years old.
When I was six years old, I was going to my friends house for a pirate party. And I couldn't sit still whilst getting my face painted, and I got smacked across the head then getting my legs kicked out from under me because they got mad about it.
It was constantly walking on egg shells everyday, and I had to keep quiet otherwise I would wake someone up in the house and get my ass beat for doing it.
And when I got caught sneaking around, I used to get shouted at, asking what I was creeping around for and if I gave an answer I got smacked.
I was constantly called a liar and even if I told the truth I would be called a liar and guess what followed. Therefore, I became a great liar to lessen the punishments I was going to get. To this day I never answer a question directly because it was the only way I would get away with things.
Whilst all this was going on at the ripe age of eight years old, I had a neighbour who was six years older than me. When I look back she used to say a lot of inappropriate things to test the waters with me, but it started light where she made me look at parts of her body and then she groped me because I had gotten hard.
Then every time I was alone with her, she would do things to me. She would kiss me, when would grind her body on my leg, she made me put my fingers in her. The worst time was she made me put my penis in her and I don't remember much but I know it tingled like crazy and since then I have had little to no feeling when having sex. She also put her fingers inside me.
I remember I used to hide in one of the cupboards away from her so she couldn't see me. After this, I used to hide away in movies, books and video games. My favourite to this day is metal gear solid, I guess I can never thank the makers for that as much as I'd like to. People create things not realising how much it helps some people.
Anyway the violence in my home got too much and me and my mother moved away for a couple of years. But I still went back to see my step father every weekend, and she would do things to me.
Sorry I can't be more detailed, I'm shaking just writing this and my stomach hurts just thinking about it. But this was where I attempted my first suicide and 8/9 years old by hanging myself from a tree with a cord. Spoiler alert the cord snapped.
I repressed these memories hard, and I spent the next few years in a cycle of drinking, drugs and violence. I sold drugs to people, only weed but I still sold it and I made a lot of money doing so. I smoked my first joint at 12 and did my first line of cocaine at 14. The high made everything feel real and I could feel numb.
I never did anything harder, my only family member I could relate to called M was a heroin addict, and I loved him despite his flaws. Even he didn't know what happened to me, but he knew something had changed in me as I was sad all the time. Unfortunately, when I was 17/18 both him and my best friend died. He died from an overdose, and my best friend was stabbed to death. That was the day I truly became numb and alone.
So, I guess here I talk about my love life, as it all intertwines. My first love was D, now D had just as many problems as me, but she never suffered SA. So she couldn't understand why I used to shake and flinch when she touched me.
Unfortunately, she was just as mentally abusive as my family. She always made me feel I wasn't good enough and I remember the night my best friend died, she slept with someone else. Not for the first time, but I kept going back because I like abusive relationships. She said a lot of horrible things to me, she used to tell me about the men she was meeting and how much she liked them to hurt me. One day she admitted she did it intentionally to hurt me because she enjoyed it.
I will say in later years we have reconnected and she apologised for everything she did with sincerity. But an apology doesn't heal a wound.
From the day me and her split I never trusted another woman, maybe I didn't before but from memory that was the last time.
When I was 22 I met T, unfortunately I never truly loved T and I tried to. She was nice and kind unfortunately also suffered an abusive past. I saved her from all of it and helped her get her qualifications, get a home and find some security in her life. But all 7 years we were together, I never truly loved her. She also slept with someone else and assaulted me on many occasions, I still have the scars on my head, arms and neck to prove it.
But don't take this as I am the victim, I'm a piece of work, I'm a womaniser and I am abusive too. Not physically, I wouldn't lay hands on a woman. I just have demons and I unfairly lose my temper and smash things (my own not theirs).
Whilst with T I met S, now S reminded me of D and I deeply fell in love with her. She tried to help me with my dark thoughts. She had also suffered SA and we understood eachother. But two wrongs don't make a right unfortunately. She was really mentally abusive and for some reason I still loved her. But she was the person who unlocked my own memories of SA, I had pushed them so deep I forgot about them, but when they came to the surface. I realised my entire life was a lie. I walked around like I was strong and this could never effect me. But it was all bullshit, the spontaneous anger, the unable to be touched, the nights spent alone crying, they were all symptoms of this and I just refused to acknowledge them.
Unfortunately, it made me suicidal and one night I said goodbye to S and I attempted. This was a realisation for her, she left because it was too much and bless her she did try to help me, but I was on a path of self destruction.
She left and I left the country attempting to get some closure. This is where I met K, now K was originally just me fucking someone to feel better. But I was in dark place and stupidly I allowed myself to vulnerable to her. But she didn't say buzz words like "that must have been hard for you" or "you didn't deserve that" she just listened and I don't know why I felt something for her since then.
We had been meeting abroad for a year since then till the other day she messaged me saying she met someone else. Which I guess I deserved, for the women I had treated poorly in the past. Karma has a way of rearing it's head at the worst time.
But K was the final message to me. Last night I looked in the mirror I said I fucking hate you and I ran a knife across my chest to try and feel something but I felt nothing. No pain, no sensation, just cold.
I headbutted the mirror and felt nothing. I just laughed to myself. I thought I was ready to feel and heal again, I didn't commit suicide because she asked me to try and heal, and I can't believe I listened to her bullshit. She saved my life just to take advantage of me.
Anyway I tried to shorthand all of this because I didn't want this to go on any longer than it has.
Now today/tonight, I haven't eaten in two days, I've been popping a variety of pain pills still feeling nothing. So tonight I climb to the top of an aqueduct and I meet my maker.
I know a lot of you want a romantic partner but I guess technically I have had one since the age of 8 years old till 32 and it's brought me nothing but more pain.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be normal. Just be a normal person in today's society, happy, have friends and no dark cloud following you.
I have given away my possessions today. I posted my jewelry to my friend. I gave my camera away to a family member saying I was getting a new one.
Tonight is the night I wish you all goodbye. Thank you so much for your kind words over the years and thank you all for your time if you read this. My only regret is not getting revenge on the people who wrong those who meant the most to me.
I guess the only gift I can give you is a terrible poem I wrote a couple of months ago called arent you tired. So here it is:
As morning's frost recedes, our cold hearts awaken,
But with the night's embrace, emotions become vacant
Aren't you tired every day repeating this cycle
Self destructing and becoming spiteful
I'm sorry the earth had to curse you
But I'm here to love you not hurt you
Aren't you tired? I won't lie to you
I'm sick of the way you hurt me but I will fight for you
I know the feelings that the drugs give are appealing
But aren't you tired of searching for meaning
Questioning reality and why you're breathing
Trying all these methods and not healing
Aren't you tired of hiding your feelings
Aren't you tired of a new lover every season
They don't understand why you're leaving
But I know you have your reasons
Aren't you tired of not letting people love you
Aren't you tired of that lonely place you run to?
That place you cry those cursed tears
I'm sorry that person stole your early years
I know it's not easy to break that or end it
But aren't you tired of pretending
Although we don't speak fuck a sentence
Fuck this tension, I've come to acceptance
I promised you I would destroy them and I meant it
Aren't you tired, of waking up every day fake smile on your face
Lieing to the world well I'm tired of seeing your pain
You put up your walls I ran through it
And if we ever speak again and get back to it
I want to take away your pain not add to it
But I often wonder if you regret me the way you blocked everyone else but let me
Help you, but like everyone else you left me
So when it's my t urn to burn
I hope you don't forget to forget me
Cause I'm tired of this world that could never accept me
I write this to share my experiences with some of you who have been so kind and non judgemental of me no matter what.
I said last night that I planned for August to be my end date, unfortunately I have had to bring that forward to tonight. I've realised I am a danger to other people and they shouldn't have to suffer for my pain. I am driving erratic without a seat belt getting into many close calls.
I am also carrying a knife hoping someone will start a fight and then kill me. It's safest that I end it myself rather than drag someone down with me.
So onto my story. This is going to be difficult to write but I'm going to try and keep it as conversational as possible. My name is J.
We all come into this world the same way soaked in blood and screaming. Unfortunately, the lives we lead following this are very different as we have people we trust to mould us and raise us and it doesn't always work out the way it should.
I grew up very poor, and it was like the frustrations of us struggling was taken out on me and my sister. My earliest memory is my parents screaming at eachother, then me getting thrown into a wall because I came between them and smacking my head. And I don't remember much just crying, I was three years old.
When I was six years old, I was going to my friends house for a pirate party. And I couldn't sit still whilst getting my face painted, and I got smacked across the head then getting my legs kicked out from under me because they got mad about it.
It was constantly walking on egg shells everyday, and I had to keep quiet otherwise I would wake someone up in the house and get my ass beat for doing it.
And when I got caught sneaking around, I used to get shouted at, asking what I was creeping around for and if I gave an answer I got smacked.
I was constantly called a liar and even if I told the truth I would be called a liar and guess what followed. Therefore, I became a great liar to lessen the punishments I was going to get. To this day I never answer a question directly because it was the only way I would get away with things.
Whilst all this was going on at the ripe age of eight years old, I had a neighbour who was six years older than me. When I look back she used to say a lot of inappropriate things to test the waters with me, but it started light where she made me look at parts of her body and then she groped me because I had gotten hard.
Then every time I was alone with her, she would do things to me. She would kiss me, when would grind her body on my leg, she made me put my fingers in her. The worst time was she made me put my penis in her and I don't remember much but I know it tingled like crazy and since then I have had little to no feeling when having sex. She also put her fingers inside me.
I remember I used to hide in one of the cupboards away from her so she couldn't see me. After this, I used to hide away in movies, books and video games. My favourite to this day is metal gear solid, I guess I can never thank the makers for that as much as I'd like to. People create things not realising how much it helps some people.
Anyway the violence in my home got too much and me and my mother moved away for a couple of years. But I still went back to see my step father every weekend, and she would do things to me.
Sorry I can't be more detailed, I'm shaking just writing this and my stomach hurts just thinking about it. But this was where I attempted my first suicide and 8/9 years old by hanging myself from a tree with a cord. Spoiler alert the cord snapped.
I repressed these memories hard, and I spent the next few years in a cycle of drinking, drugs and violence. I sold drugs to people, only weed but I still sold it and I made a lot of money doing so. I smoked my first joint at 12 and did my first line of cocaine at 14. The high made everything feel real and I could feel numb.
I never did anything harder, my only family member I could relate to called M was a heroin addict, and I loved him despite his flaws. Even he didn't know what happened to me, but he knew something had changed in me as I was sad all the time. Unfortunately, when I was 17/18 both him and my best friend died. He died from an overdose, and my best friend was stabbed to death. That was the day I truly became numb and alone.
So, I guess here I talk about my love life, as it all intertwines. My first love was D, now D had just as many problems as me, but she never suffered SA. So she couldn't understand why I used to shake and flinch when she touched me.
Unfortunately, she was just as mentally abusive as my family. She always made me feel I wasn't good enough and I remember the night my best friend died, she slept with someone else. Not for the first time, but I kept going back because I like abusive relationships. She said a lot of horrible things to me, she used to tell me about the men she was meeting and how much she liked them to hurt me. One day she admitted she did it intentionally to hurt me because she enjoyed it.
I will say in later years we have reconnected and she apologised for everything she did with sincerity. But an apology doesn't heal a wound.
From the day me and her split I never trusted another woman, maybe I didn't before but from memory that was the last time.
When I was 22 I met T, unfortunately I never truly loved T and I tried to. She was nice and kind unfortunately also suffered an abusive past. I saved her from all of it and helped her get her qualifications, get a home and find some security in her life. But all 7 years we were together, I never truly loved her. She also slept with someone else and assaulted me on many occasions, I still have the scars on my head, arms and neck to prove it.
But don't take this as I am the victim, I'm a piece of work, I'm a womaniser and I am abusive too. Not physically, I wouldn't lay hands on a woman. I just have demons and I unfairly lose my temper and smash things (my own not theirs).
Whilst with T I met S, now S reminded me of D and I deeply fell in love with her. She tried to help me with my dark thoughts. She had also suffered SA and we understood eachother. But two wrongs don't make a right unfortunately. She was really mentally abusive and for some reason I still loved her. But she was the person who unlocked my own memories of SA, I had pushed them so deep I forgot about them, but when they came to the surface. I realised my entire life was a lie. I walked around like I was strong and this could never effect me. But it was all bullshit, the spontaneous anger, the unable to be touched, the nights spent alone crying, they were all symptoms of this and I just refused to acknowledge them.
Unfortunately, it made me suicidal and one night I said goodbye to S and I attempted. This was a realisation for her, she left because it was too much and bless her she did try to help me, but I was on a path of self destruction.
She left and I left the country attempting to get some closure. This is where I met K, now K was originally just me fucking someone to feel better. But I was in dark place and stupidly I allowed myself to vulnerable to her. But she didn't say buzz words like "that must have been hard for you" or "you didn't deserve that" she just listened and I don't know why I felt something for her since then.
We had been meeting abroad for a year since then till the other day she messaged me saying she met someone else. Which I guess I deserved, for the women I had treated poorly in the past. Karma has a way of rearing it's head at the worst time.
But K was the final message to me. Last night I looked in the mirror I said I fucking hate you and I ran a knife across my chest to try and feel something but I felt nothing. No pain, no sensation, just cold.
I headbutted the mirror and felt nothing. I just laughed to myself. I thought I was ready to feel and heal again, I didn't commit suicide because she asked me to try and heal, and I can't believe I listened to her bullshit. She saved my life just to take advantage of me.
Anyway I tried to shorthand all of this because I didn't want this to go on any longer than it has.
Now today/tonight, I haven't eaten in two days, I've been popping a variety of pain pills still feeling nothing. So tonight I climb to the top of an aqueduct and I meet my maker.
I know a lot of you want a romantic partner but I guess technically I have had one since the age of 8 years old till 32 and it's brought me nothing but more pain.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be normal. Just be a normal person in today's society, happy, have friends and no dark cloud following you.
I have given away my possessions today. I posted my jewelry to my friend. I gave my camera away to a family member saying I was getting a new one.
Tonight is the night I wish you all goodbye. Thank you so much for your kind words over the years and thank you all for your time if you read this. My only regret is not getting revenge on the people who wrong those who meant the most to me.
I guess the only gift I can give you is a terrible poem I wrote a couple of months ago called arent you tired. So here it is:
As morning's frost recedes, our cold hearts awaken,
But with the night's embrace, emotions become vacant
Aren't you tired every day repeating this cycle
Self destructing and becoming spiteful
I'm sorry the earth had to curse you
But I'm here to love you not hurt you
Aren't you tired? I won't lie to you
I'm sick of the way you hurt me but I will fight for you
I know the feelings that the drugs give are appealing
But aren't you tired of searching for meaning
Questioning reality and why you're breathing
Trying all these methods and not healing
Aren't you tired of hiding your feelings
Aren't you tired of a new lover every season
They don't understand why you're leaving
But I know you have your reasons
Aren't you tired of not letting people love you
Aren't you tired of that lonely place you run to?
That place you cry those cursed tears
I'm sorry that person stole your early years
I know it's not easy to break that or end it
But aren't you tired of pretending
Although we don't speak fuck a sentence
Fuck this tension, I've come to acceptance
I promised you I would destroy them and I meant it
Aren't you tired, of waking up every day fake smile on your face
Lieing to the world well I'm tired of seeing your pain
You put up your walls I ran through it
And if we ever speak again and get back to it
I want to take away your pain not add to it
But I often wonder if you regret me the way you blocked everyone else but let me
Help you, but like everyone else you left me
So when it's my t urn to burn
I hope you don't forget to forget me
Cause I'm tired of this world that could never accept me
