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tonyspitstain

tonyspitstain

Member
Dec 2, 2024
20
I struggle a lot with feeling like I want my life to be over already, but I don't know if these circumstances are enough to justify this feeling although people say that any reason is enough to justify it. I used to be someone who loved life and I still do sometimes. My perspective is that it's amazing to live in a time period where you can eat food from any culture, meet people from any country, travel almost anywhere, and have a comfortable life without having to struggle too much as long as you are able-bodied.

But I also think that you need a solid foundation to be able to enjoy life to the fullest and I don't think my parents gave me that.

I think my happiness ended when I first got my period. People don't understand that what happens to you after this is pure body horror. I couldn't deal with this change in a healthy way, and this was the first time my mom started to shame me for my body. I felt extreme discomfort in using menstrual pads and I felt like they limited the things I could do at school, especially during recess and gym class, it was stressful. I started to collect tampons by taking the free ones in the nurse's office, ordering free samples online, taking them from random public bathrooms. My mother found them in my room and threw all of them out and told me I am never allowed to use them. I couldn't believe that she would take them away from me when I found them to be so much more comfortable and easier to manage... I was 12/13 years old and that made me feel disgusting for existing.

At this age I was severely lonely and it was difficult to feel like I had friends or a community because I lived in the suburbs and my mom more or less refused to invest in an after school activity for me. I had a lot of interests and would have loved to pursue a sport or a hobby with other kids, but my mom constantly complained about costs and prices so I felt unworthy to ask. I couldn't really leave the house and there were no kids in the neighborhood who liked me, so I was isolated. I started to hang around a boy who was a year older than me and I was so happy to talk to him, I called him up on the phone and texted him but I didn't realize this person actually really didn't like me. He ended up taking advantage of me at school and sexually assaulting me multiple times which I allowed because I was so lonely. My friends encouraged me to report this to the school so I did, and he ended up getting some consequences. But what bothers me a decade later is that my mother was called to the school and I was forced to recount every detail of what happened in front of her and my assistant principal and she just stared at me. I went home and she told me not to speak of it to anyone. My siblings didn't know, my dad didn't know, and my mom ignored me and refused to get me any sort of counseling or help. I was deeply ashamed and didn't tell my siblings and dad it ever happened until this year, 10 years after the incident. I spent the rest of middle school and high school in fear because I had to see this person in the hallway and they would talk about me and it would get back to me and there was nothing I could do.

The worst thing they have done to me is deny me access to healthcare. The experience of feeling discomfort in my body and not being able to do anything about it because my parents didn't care is just awful. I developed nodular cystic acne at around 13/14 and all I can remember is the shame. My parents constantly shamed and made fun of me for not being able to take care of myself, accused me of not washing my face, blamed my diet (the food they bought for me), blamed me for picking at my skin. I was under so much stress and I begged and cried for help and they did nothing. I don't know how to explain how this is body horror to other people because people will say "well, it's acne and everyone gets acne." But can you imagine waking up to painful cysts on your face that ooze and hurt to sleep on? People at school treat you like you have a disease, you're embarrassed to go outside, looking in the mirror is a source of fear, you never feel good about yourself. I didn't know what cystic acne was because my pediatrician did nothing to help me and my parents straight up refused to take me to a derm. At one point I tried cutting so many things out of my diet and drinking 50 oz of water everyday which left me severely underweight at 85lbs and still covered in acne. At 18 I was finally able to figure out that I needed accutane which changed my life but it was too late. I already had holes and scars in my face and I developed severe rosacea from chronic inflammation. For the past 4 years I've spent nearly $10k trying to correct the scars which would have cost my parents pocket money to prevent. I am stuck with this for the rest of my life. I look in the mirror and see holes and I want to die. I used to be beautiful and now I hate leaving my house out of embarrassment. The rosacea flares from heat, sunlight, embarrassment, exerting energy, literally anything. My face is burning and itchy and I constantly feel like I'm having an allergic reaction literally every single day... and there's no cure.

This is getting long and there's more but I'm tired of typing lol. But anyway I've had to manage my health completely on my own forever and I couldn't figure it out until it was too late. Managing my medication, doctor's appointments, symptoms, treatments, all on my own has been something that I mentally cannot ever recover from. Trying to be an adult with this amount of baggage has honestly been impossible for me. Every relationship I have, every job I have, I'm so terrified of people seeing my face and getting to know me that I struggle immensely. It's shocking, I have one life and one face and I have to be afraid everyday.... for eternity? I realized this year that none of what I experienced is normal or an acceptable way to treat a child, ever. How the fuck am I supposed to live with this?
 
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Randy Savage

Randy Savage

“Macho Man”
Jul 23, 2024
46
Not a current parent, but I sympathize with you so much. I'm truly sorry you feel this way. You are worth so much more than you think.

Parents, at the end of the day, are people. Whether they deliver you into a perfect life or mess up your life completely, being a parent is not a guarantee that you are a -good- parent, or even a good person. It's just something that happens when a woman gets pregnant. At the end of the day, the abuse you went through happened to you while you were vulnerable and dependent on someone who didn't care. Whether you hang onto this for the rest of your life or forget about it in a few years, none of this was ever your fault. What's done is done, and now it's up to you to show the people who never cared that you were worth caring about.

Things get better as you go. As you get older, hang onto the things you love closely, and never be afraid to get rid of the shit you hate from your past. You are a good, worthwhile person and you will grow to love your life if you do your best every day and surround yourself with people who recognize your worth.
 
Ozzyno

Ozzyno

Lovely loner.
Oct 10, 2024
121
I'm not a parent I'm sorry. I just wanted to say that everyone has their own defects and you should just be proud of what you are no matter what. I know how it feels to have bad parents…

I have vitiligo so I can't get tanned, if I do it would be visible. There is no cure and no prevention either.
 
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tonyspitstain

tonyspitstain

Member
Dec 2, 2024
20
Not a current parent, but I sympathize with you so much. I'm truly sorry you feel this way. You are worth so much more than you think.

Parents, at the end of the day, are people. Whether they deliver you into a perfect life or mess up your life completely, being a parent is not a guarantee that you are a -good- parent, or even a good person. It's just something that happens when a woman gets pregnant. At the end of the day, the abuse you went through happened to you while you were vulnerable and dependent on someone who didn't care. Whether you hang onto this for the rest of your life or forget about it in a few years, none of this was ever your fault. What's done is done, and now it's up to you to show the people who never cared that you were worth caring about.

Things get better as you go. As you get older, hang onto the things you love closely, and never be afraid to get rid of the shit you hate from your past. You are a good, worthwhile person and you will grow to love your life if you do your best every day and surround yourself with people who recognize your worth.
I know that's true, it's not like I don't try and that I'm not deeply loved by others.

Actually, since I've been 18 I've spent my time I held jobs working in a food bank for youth, interning at a local hospital, and I spent 2 years working in a NICU. I know that I've had a positive effect on people and that my life has already been spent helping others. There's so many things I can do and have done to help people and make life more enjoyable for others... I just can never shake the things my mom did to me and that I'm never going to be able to repair the physical damage from the neglect. Like.... I have started to get really sick of looking in the mirror and seeing this, so sick that I'm ready to never see it again.
 
hanginglights.

hanginglights.

Member
Mar 19, 2024
13
I'm not a parent but I genuinely do believe your so much more than you make yourself out to be. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. I know how it feels to have neglectful parents like that and I wish I could do more for you and to help. I am wishing you the best in life friend.
 
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tonyspitstain

tonyspitstain

Member
Dec 2, 2024
20
I'm not a parent but I genuinely do believe your so much more than you make yourself out to be. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. I know how it feels to have neglectful parents like that and I wish I could do more for you and to help. I am wishing you the best in life friend.
Thank you, I always wished the best for myself too 😥 but since my mom stole so much from me I just don't know how much longer I can keep pushing
 
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hanginglights.

hanginglights.

Member
Mar 19, 2024
13
Thank you, I always wished the best for myself too 😥 but since my mom stole so much from me I just don't know how much longer I can keep pushing
Anytime!! Your feelings are completely valid. I completely understand that feeling. I want to give really good advice but unfortunately I'm not too good at that..:( What I would do is I would just try my best for as long as I can.
 
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Sutter

Sutter

Student
Oct 21, 2024
184
Jackpot.

I'm a parent.

Let's start this rambling off on a no nonsense note. You miss are beautiful, there are other beautiful things in life but some of the ugliest beauty is a lack of kindness. Eye of the beholder is the assessment, can take the form of a pony tail, a light laugh, the care in one's actions. My wife first caught me with a walk and a small grin. There is attraction, a face is part of that but not the whole. You are valued by others in your life and without a doubt a few here, sit easy in who you are.

Parents….total cluster of spastic cats. There is no manual for largely the most important impact a person may have in life. It's not an excuse it just is, like herding cats. Most parents either run with how they were raised thinking it will work OR fix things that troubled them, there is the last variety that should have spent sometime in a neuter room. For myself I tried to steer clear of what I knew were hurtful things, always a changing target. As a father to daughters…well I was handicapped before I even started as I was a man. A 4 year old needs to be taken care of but without question is a little person, a roaming cat. People change and they are not us, they are them. Parents forget or don't see that sometimes. There will be a mistake somewhere and for most of us we don't see it coming.

Your parents however well meaning, didn't spend a thoughtful moment really considering you. A lost joy in my opinion and a damaging one as well. Can understand you may find yourself viewing them with no forgiveness, I surely spared none for my own father.

People buy new trees to plant, walk in middle aged forests but it's the old growth, creaking with time, that brings a sense of awe. The mangled tree, hit by lightning, bark stripped, and all sense of an easy existence wiped from its presence, that draws a soul to wonder at the torrent it weathered. Some not all of the weathering in our lives takes on the same state. May find yourself at this same place. Your kindness and caring could be your soul, could be something weathered shaped, that doesn't go away but for what time you may have left, offers a path better followed being the one of caring you are already on.

Yes might be some of the pain fades in time, the loss of a caring parent usually sticks a bit, bark takes awhile to cover a wound and may just fall away instead.

Pardon my shuffling gait will close out soon. You are beauty in its best form. Other hearts you have touched care for yours. You are a valued and wanted person to know. Many young men, they are stupid at times, would be wise beyond their years to even strike up a conversation with you. Never doubt your worth it's already been measured.

Miss you are not a spit stain and the world will be lesser without you. If a dark path on a soundless night is ever your choice, go easy know you will be missed.

Meant the words I mumbled at you hope they find your heart and grow there. Be on about my business now, cold is coming in soft but stark and have some stars to tease out of a dark sky.
 

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