Venting my story, I suppose

[starsofevernight]

trigger warnings for some heavy stuff, mentions of s/a, homelessness, abuse, self harm, etc.
and if you know me irl, you'll know exactly who I am. my story and experience is painfully specific.

hi, everyone. I'm an Australian 18 year old who had a nightmare of an abusive family, a history of sexual assault, and am very mentally ill. my family is Asian, rich, kind to strangers, and played the "you just don't understand my culture" card when confronted with abuse from CPS. oh, and the police officer I went to beat her kids, so she didn't think my situation was bad at all. plus, I'm male, and my mother was the perpetrator of the sexual assault, so there was no physical evidence along with me not being taken seriously so…yeah

I've been living without my parents since age 15, couch surfing, hotel surfing, on the street, in a temporary unofficial foster arrangement (with a really sweet and well-off family who were also familiar with the psychiatric system—I managed to get a diagnosis of autism, complex post traumatic stress disorder and dissociative identity disorder that way. Yes, teenagers fake DID a lot. No, it's nothing like having a million fictional characters in your head.) I finally managed to have a homelessness charity subsidise part of the rent for transitional housing…and then I developed a first episode of psychosis/schizophreniform disorder, leading me to be so paranoid I couldn't go outside.

I'm not psychotic anymore, but Seroquel is so energy draining. I'm lucky to live in Australia and have a good public mental health team, but since I'm leaving high school, they need to transfer me out…but private psychiatry is not affordable at all. Also, due to active homelessness and then acute psychosis back to back, I missed so much school in the first semester of year 12 I just, feel like I messed up my future. In my state, Year 12 is the only year that matters, and all the exams culminate in an ATAR (from 30.0 to 99.95). Luckily I was able to put in the work to catch up and go to a selective, academically rigorous school, so my estimation ended up being 92.35 from the penultimate set of exams.

I'm not… completely trying to die because I feel worthless. I'm pretty smart, I started learning quantum theory at age 14 and have done an unpaid internship and 3 small research projects in quantum software (which I will happily talk about for hours on end). I have friends, but it's like. I'm no one's favourite. My school is very competitive, but I'm still ranked near the bottom. I struggle so bad with BPD symptoms, splitting, obsession-devaluation, mood swings, cutting and burning myself, impulsivity—a day ago, my girlfriend said something that I thought implied she saw someone as a direct upgrade to me, and I couldn't take it. I don't feel irreplaceable to anyone. We did talk it out, and it's okay now, but still… I've threatened to break up with her during my splits and she recognises it and just goes "nuh uh"

And life… life is difficult. Dissociative amnesia, losing time, during my critical exam period, not knowing what my alters are doing, plus all the PTSD flashbacks and hypervigilace… it's debilitating. I'm scared, and I'm so stressed, and I don't feel like life is worth living. I've been having daily panic attacks. I just want it all to stop. I wish I was someone's best friend, so I could feel valuable without dismissing it as "obligation" or "physical/romantic attraction".

I guess on the brighter side, sometimes when I have good food or a sweet drink, life fleetingly feels worth the pain, if just for a moment. But outside of those moments… I'm just so tired. And I have no safety net, no parents to move back in with. I can't see a future after this final block of exams, happening this month. It's either full suspension hanging or a psych ward. I've tried to CTB 3 times before, and all 3 I was hospitalised. I've only been in adolescent inpatient though, so even the psych ward (now adult) scares me.

Oh, and I just want to say, anyone who knows me decently well IRL will recognise me instantly. There's not that many Selective school kids in my state in Australia with my exact trauma/life story (and everyone in my grade knows…my friends were asking around if anyone's family could take me in when I was homeless), doing research in quantum computing, with my exact combination of mental illnesses. So to those people… hello. Please message me and let me know why you're on here. I may want to die, but you still have something to live for. I want you to live.

And finally, if anyone plays Honkai: Star Rail, Arcaea, Rhythm Doctor/ADOFAI, or is interested in quantum computing, please say hi. I'm lonely. I want to talk to people who understand me.

I'm sorry this is so long and insufferable. I just wanted to say all this somewhere. I hope my departure is pleasant. I know I said hanging, but I can find pentobarbital, that'll be my way to CTB.
Also, my girlfriend and my relationship is doomed. Before anyone says anything about that.
final note, for the ppl who know me irl, don't actually message me here, do it in the channel you already communicate with me by. And when I request "talk to me", I mean in the replies. Just clarifying in case it comes off as me breaking a rule.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm so sorry for everything's that happened to you already~ :( That all sounds like so much~ :( I'm honestly shocked at how well you've seemed to handle it given what you describe~ >_< a lot of people would completely shut down, not date at all, be failing school, etc., but you seem to be doing really well for yourself~ :) other than well, the obvious, idk what I'm going to do with my life that comes at this age unfortunately... I hate it so much~ :((( I'm sorry that even in spite of that, your past and great mental pain has caused you to seek relief here~ :(
Best of luck on your exams btw~ :)
hehe~ I don't really understand it much (I've just seen some of Inspiring Philosophy's old videos on it), but I find quantum computing to be very interesting! :3 from that, I think I was able to surprise one of my teachers for having even a little knowledge of it at all in 12th grade~ xD it's really cool that you were learning it already at such a young age~ :D

 

[starsofevernight]

I'm so sorry for everything's that happened to you already~ :( That all sounds like so much~ :( I'm honestly shocked at how well you've seemed to handle it given what you describe~ >_< a lot of people would completely shut down, not date at all, be failing school, etc., but you seem to be doing really well for yourself~ :) other than well, the obvious, idk what I'm going to do with my life that comes at this age unfortunately... I hate it so much~ :((( I'm sorry that even in spite of that, your past and great mental pain has caused you to seek relief here~ :(
Best of luck on your exams btw~ :)
hehe~ I don't really understand it much (I've just seen some of Inspiring Philosophy's old videos on it), but I find quantum computing to be very interesting! :3 from that, I think I was able to surprise one of my teachers for having even a little knowledge of it at all in 12th grade~ xD it's really cool that you were learning it already at such a young age~ :D

it's okay. thank you for the support <3 I suppose from an outside perspective I am doing decently well regarding my circumstances—I suppose the dumb platitude "it gets better" did apply in that I'm no longer paranoid and delusional, so I can actually kind of...do normal things like go outside and use non-encrypted messaging channels etc. the problem is more that like, not only life for me is going to take a sharp downturn financially soon, but I'm just so tired. I'm still less suicidal than I used to be

ironically I think venting on this forum has made me feel... less inclined to actually hurt myself? which is the complete opposite of what that tantacrul video or news articles fearmongering about this site. I just, talking about suicide anywhere else just brings up the instant hotline response, but here I can actually talk through my wish to CTB... I feel like the immediate shutting down / institutionalisation of / stigma surrounding CTB is actually detrimental in helping suicidal people want to live—I've always felt like people just want me to survive at any cost, even if my experience of life is terrible.

 

[EternalShore]

yeah, sorries~ >_< I didn't mean to put you down at all, but it does seem like things are getting slightly better for you, which is good~ :) even if one passes soon, it's better for things to be better while they're alive~ :) I'm sorry you're so tired nowadays and are about have a turn for the worst financially~ :( That sounds really awful, and I hope you can make it through~ :(

oh, too relatable~ I asked someone close to me (I lack good memory, so he basically remembers everything for me), and he told me that the more I use SS, the better I generally feel mentally~ xDDD I'm glad it's been the same way for you too! :)
you probably already know this but don't listen to people like that~ They don't understand pain~ Here, people will care for and support you, and it's wonderful in that respect~ hehe~ :) for we all have very similar and horrid challenges~ :(
and you are absolutely right about that! ^_^ Instead of letting people talk freely about their concerns, people just want to shut it down, which just makes them bottle it up and feel worse and worse~ :( Instead of helping people recover, they just make them want to dry even more~ :((( They don't want another's death on their conscience~ reversing what @TAW122 says, they desire quantity of life over quality of life~ :(

 

[starsofevernight]

no, no!! I didn't think you were trying to put me down. it's so real though—they just don't want to feel responsible for it. it's like, as long as you live, it doesn't matter how painful it is for you.