Discussion My story + Reducing Suffering

[Ayeitsalaska]

Hello. I was born different from other people. When I was 6 years old is when I first tried to kill myself, then again at 7, then again at 11. My mind just causes so much suffering. I feel very alone. I've always felt alone. When I was a toddler I never stepped crying, abnormal amounts of crying. I was diagnosed with cyclothimia then bipolar 1 with psychosis. I go through groups of friends. When I was 15 I was very stable. Then I started to get trapped in new age stuff, and someone drew me futher to insanity. I was drugged with PCP which put me into insanity and I believed I was going to hell and I was tortured for months by hallucinations. When I finally got out of it, I felt I was poessesed then I became diagnosed with discioative identity disorder, I would have periods of time I don't remember and people told me I did bad things. I still black out today, just less. Then a year later I struggle with severe depresonalization, I felt like I had no free will and choice and my life was completly out of my control. I had one friend, my boyfriend. I tried to make friends but i'd always mess up. I am 19 now my life has got better but I have just expierenced so much pain, suffering and misery I don't know if I want to continue living, I have a purpose which is to help those who are deeply suffering, I am only stable when I take my medications to the tea everyday and I wonder if they're masking my pain. I wonder if everything is purposeless and it objectively doesn't matter if I live and help animals. I don't know if this is worth the pain anymore. and the fact that more painful things can occur and I can't control my mind. I want to control my mind. If I could control my thoughts and emotions I could do anything. I would certainly live if I could control my thoughts and emotions because it would be a choice to feel pain. My life has gotten better to the sense I have a job now, a best friend, I have a direction in life but that direction, I wonder if I can achieve my goals because i'm scared I will fail. I am a little chubby and I am scared I wont be able to achieve my goals of weight loss. I also want to travel the world i've already been to 49 states and 3 other countries. I just feel like i'm going to fail. I'm kind've torn between suicide and trying to figure out how to control my mind. Are there any ways to control my mind?