Pepega
Betaman
- Mar 2, 2019
- 101
So this turned to be a lot longer than I expected, I cant even post it so I'm gonna put the rest in comments section, It's the first time I express my emotions on the internet like this, while typing I even remembered things that I long forgot about but I didn't put them all here because it's already a shit ton of text to red.I just feel so good to have this introspection about my life and put it on ''paper''. I truly appreciate everyone who takes the time and read at least half of my shit.Thank you!
I'm so glad I found this place, it makes me a little bit happier and gives actual usefull information.Im a 21 yo male living in Eastern Europe who is neither pro lifer neither pro sucide, I'm being torn apart between the two, searching ways to make life better while preparing suicide methods for the past 6 years.
My childhood was a good one, I had almost everything that I needed, good parents, an annoying bigger brother, good relatives, lots of friends, I was good with girls, almost got laid in my forth grade LUL, my personality was great and never had mental problems, I was doing great in school, but life decided to say: ''fuck it, this guy seems to be to happy, so I'm just gonna destroy his life so I can have some laughs''.
It all began when i was in the beginning of the sixth grade, all was well and normal, i was in class listening to the teacher, somehow the bottle from my backpack fell and i bent over to take it...then all the shit has begun,when i got up everything was changed, I know it sounds retarded but everything was darker, sadder,I felt sad and alone, when the class was over I went outside and i felt like I was in some kind of mist separating me from everyone, all my perceptions about the world changed, all my ambitions just disappeared, everything looked meaningless, I was so sad i skipped the other classes and went home.When i was home I didn't knew what to do, I didn't wanted to do anything, just sat in bed and after a few hours I began to cry.
After all this I tried to behave normally and pretend it's all ok, but 2-3 days later I just couldn't hold it anymore and my parents saw that.They didn't knew wtf it was wrong with me and I couldn't explain.My mother being very religious thought i was possessed by some kind of demon LUL and took me to a priest, It make me feel a little bit better not gonna lie but i was still sad so my mother took me to a hospital where we stayed for about 2 weeks, I was tested for every disease and i was all god excepts some minor hearth and breathing problems, went to psychologist and psychiatrist, they didn't say much helpful and I don't remember they gave me any depression/anxiety meds only vitamins and other shit, even made an intelligence test and it come out...mediocre, I though it was ok but thats like saying I am retarded which I am now but my parents still think I am very smart and have expectations from me, but I will talk about this further in the story.
When I came out of hospital I was feeling better,didn't went to school like a month, everyone home treating me like a king even bought me some pets.Eventually, after christmas holiday I went back to school, other kids and my friends looked a bit weird at me but it was ok, everyone treaded me kindly still had my friends, life went well, not as well as before but I was happy again.That year i had lower grades overall so my brain was clearly affected after that event.Next year bought myself a PlayStation 3 console that i was wanting years before because I always loved video games and they helped very much overcome that moment.That year I done better in school but suddenly my parents changed, they always had arguments even a fight once,started accusing me that I play to much video games,that i would become a looser,that i needed to drop them if I wanted to do better in school, I needed to hide to play some games and I become more distant to my parents,especially my father.Next year I did worse in school that in sixth grade, my parents continued to persecute me for my love of video games and always said I don't learn enough even if I was doing my best but i still ended up in a good high school.
Aaaaaah...the high school, worst part of my life, after a few high school days I began to think about suicide for the first time, I remember that the summer holiday before I was watching Crime Scene Investigation or something like that, where some dude has killed himself and I was like: ''What a looser, how can you do something like that, life is so beautiful and there is so much to do'' and life was like: ''Don't worry boy, you'll soon find out'' , the fucking irony man.So the first day in HS all those felling from the sixth grade come back in a instant, the world changed again.It was so bad that my brain deleted most of my memories and I can barely remember anything from that period.
First year I only stayed alone, didn't make any friends, I want to mention that I was like 100km away from home in a city that I didn't knew well staying in some old lady apartment, without internet...or my console...only my old rusty laptop that i couldn't play any games on it...I still had 4 friends from primary school at that HS, In the beginning i hanged a couple times with them but I was acting weird, not talking much, felling that something heavy sits on my brain and couldn't think at all, I was looking like a retard,after a few months they gave up on me and acted like i didn't even existed, after more than 10 years of friendship...except my best friend that hanged out a little bit longer because I managed to smuggle the PlayStation to the city and we were playing games on it, but eventually he left me too.So I was all alone in HC without any friends, I was doing horribly in school, I was like the most retarded person in there, wouldn't even pass first year if my father didn't bribed some teachers, began taking meditations for math and I still din't understanded anything.Went to psychologist again, without any success, didn't said me anything useful and didn't prescribed me any meds, so i though i'm normal and everything is just in my head.
Second year, this is the year when bullies started picking on me, all from my class, everyday, every class and every break I was their amusement, because I was weird, weak, and didn't had any friends to protect me.I tried making new friends,tried to do better in school, tried learning new skills, tried everything to become a better person but all efforts were futile, no matter how hard i try to become good at something i just can't, my brain doesn't want to work, i have the memory of a 90 yo person. I am not even good at video games, I played them since I was 4, I played more than 5000 hours of counter strike alone and I am still very bad at it, like i just stared playing 1 week ago.This expands into every thing I do in life, no matter how hard I try and how much time i put into something I'm still bad at it.Because of the bullies my anxiety and depression were skyrocketing, everyday after school I just barricaded myself into the house and stayed on my laptop, forgot to mention this year I stayed somewhere else were at least I had internet so I could at least find ways to kill myself.Halfway through the year I tried partial hanging by the radiator in my room.After i was drunk i tried it and after only 4-5 seconds I couldn't do it.I though it was not my time, that i can still try things to do my life better, that maybe it's gonna be better after I finish college and get a job.
Third year I don't remember anything other that I tried to kill myself with an exit bag, I got pretty drunk,watched a movie then I put a trashbag on my head and with tape around neck and after a few minutes I passed out for like 30 minutes, I think the trashbag had pores or something I don't know how air went through.Maybe i would have died if there were no air but i see it's pretty hard to do with nitrogen and a proper exit bag so I dunno.I also remember that i began to vape that year, it made me feel better and got addicted to it, but it stopped me from trying to kill myself until now.Of course my parents also persecuted me for this like any other thing that makes me happy.
Forth year, skipped most of the classes in school but somehow I still managed to pass the year and even got the diploma.Don't remember anything besides that,I remember after 4 years of hell I was true happy for a few days after I got my diploma but that's it. I began to fantasy that the college would be better that I would make friends, maybe even a girlfriend that I never had, get a job and live a normal life but it was just as worse.The college was 400km away from home in a city I never went with totally different peoples, I felt like i'm in another country and that didn't helped with anxiety...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychiatrist
I'm so glad I found this place, it makes me a little bit happier and gives actual usefull information.Im a 21 yo male living in Eastern Europe who is neither pro lifer neither pro sucide, I'm being torn apart between the two, searching ways to make life better while preparing suicide methods for the past 6 years.
My childhood was a good one, I had almost everything that I needed, good parents, an annoying bigger brother, good relatives, lots of friends, I was good with girls, almost got laid in my forth grade LUL, my personality was great and never had mental problems, I was doing great in school, but life decided to say: ''fuck it, this guy seems to be to happy, so I'm just gonna destroy his life so I can have some laughs''.
It all began when i was in the beginning of the sixth grade, all was well and normal, i was in class listening to the teacher, somehow the bottle from my backpack fell and i bent over to take it...then all the shit has begun,when i got up everything was changed, I know it sounds retarded but everything was darker, sadder,I felt sad and alone, when the class was over I went outside and i felt like I was in some kind of mist separating me from everyone, all my perceptions about the world changed, all my ambitions just disappeared, everything looked meaningless, I was so sad i skipped the other classes and went home.When i was home I didn't knew what to do, I didn't wanted to do anything, just sat in bed and after a few hours I began to cry.
After all this I tried to behave normally and pretend it's all ok, but 2-3 days later I just couldn't hold it anymore and my parents saw that.They didn't knew wtf it was wrong with me and I couldn't explain.My mother being very religious thought i was possessed by some kind of demon LUL and took me to a priest, It make me feel a little bit better not gonna lie but i was still sad so my mother took me to a hospital where we stayed for about 2 weeks, I was tested for every disease and i was all god excepts some minor hearth and breathing problems, went to psychologist and psychiatrist, they didn't say much helpful and I don't remember they gave me any depression/anxiety meds only vitamins and other shit, even made an intelligence test and it come out...mediocre, I though it was ok but thats like saying I am retarded which I am now but my parents still think I am very smart and have expectations from me, but I will talk about this further in the story.
When I came out of hospital I was feeling better,didn't went to school like a month, everyone home treating me like a king even bought me some pets.Eventually, after christmas holiday I went back to school, other kids and my friends looked a bit weird at me but it was ok, everyone treaded me kindly still had my friends, life went well, not as well as before but I was happy again.That year i had lower grades overall so my brain was clearly affected after that event.Next year bought myself a PlayStation 3 console that i was wanting years before because I always loved video games and they helped very much overcome that moment.That year I done better in school but suddenly my parents changed, they always had arguments even a fight once,started accusing me that I play to much video games,that i would become a looser,that i needed to drop them if I wanted to do better in school, I needed to hide to play some games and I become more distant to my parents,especially my father.Next year I did worse in school that in sixth grade, my parents continued to persecute me for my love of video games and always said I don't learn enough even if I was doing my best but i still ended up in a good high school.
Aaaaaah...the high school, worst part of my life, after a few high school days I began to think about suicide for the first time, I remember that the summer holiday before I was watching Crime Scene Investigation or something like that, where some dude has killed himself and I was like: ''What a looser, how can you do something like that, life is so beautiful and there is so much to do'' and life was like: ''Don't worry boy, you'll soon find out'' , the fucking irony man.So the first day in HS all those felling from the sixth grade come back in a instant, the world changed again.It was so bad that my brain deleted most of my memories and I can barely remember anything from that period.
First year I only stayed alone, didn't make any friends, I want to mention that I was like 100km away from home in a city that I didn't knew well staying in some old lady apartment, without internet...or my console...only my old rusty laptop that i couldn't play any games on it...I still had 4 friends from primary school at that HS, In the beginning i hanged a couple times with them but I was acting weird, not talking much, felling that something heavy sits on my brain and couldn't think at all, I was looking like a retard,after a few months they gave up on me and acted like i didn't even existed, after more than 10 years of friendship...except my best friend that hanged out a little bit longer because I managed to smuggle the PlayStation to the city and we were playing games on it, but eventually he left me too.So I was all alone in HC without any friends, I was doing horribly in school, I was like the most retarded person in there, wouldn't even pass first year if my father didn't bribed some teachers, began taking meditations for math and I still din't understanded anything.Went to psychologist again, without any success, didn't said me anything useful and didn't prescribed me any meds, so i though i'm normal and everything is just in my head.
Second year, this is the year when bullies started picking on me, all from my class, everyday, every class and every break I was their amusement, because I was weird, weak, and didn't had any friends to protect me.I tried making new friends,tried to do better in school, tried learning new skills, tried everything to become a better person but all efforts were futile, no matter how hard i try to become good at something i just can't, my brain doesn't want to work, i have the memory of a 90 yo person. I am not even good at video games, I played them since I was 4, I played more than 5000 hours of counter strike alone and I am still very bad at it, like i just stared playing 1 week ago.This expands into every thing I do in life, no matter how hard I try and how much time i put into something I'm still bad at it.Because of the bullies my anxiety and depression were skyrocketing, everyday after school I just barricaded myself into the house and stayed on my laptop, forgot to mention this year I stayed somewhere else were at least I had internet so I could at least find ways to kill myself.Halfway through the year I tried partial hanging by the radiator in my room.After i was drunk i tried it and after only 4-5 seconds I couldn't do it.I though it was not my time, that i can still try things to do my life better, that maybe it's gonna be better after I finish college and get a job.
Third year I don't remember anything other that I tried to kill myself with an exit bag, I got pretty drunk,watched a movie then I put a trashbag on my head and with tape around neck and after a few minutes I passed out for like 30 minutes, I think the trashbag had pores or something I don't know how air went through.Maybe i would have died if there were no air but i see it's pretty hard to do with nitrogen and a proper exit bag so I dunno.I also remember that i began to vape that year, it made me feel better and got addicted to it, but it stopped me from trying to kill myself until now.Of course my parents also persecuted me for this like any other thing that makes me happy.
Forth year, skipped most of the classes in school but somehow I still managed to pass the year and even got the diploma.Don't remember anything besides that,I remember after 4 years of hell I was true happy for a few days after I got my diploma but that's it. I began to fantasy that the college would be better that I would make friends, maybe even a girlfriend that I never had, get a job and live a normal life but it was just as worse.The college was 400km away from home in a city I never went with totally different peoples, I felt like i'm in another country and that didn't helped with anxiety...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychiatrist
