Story My story- why I have to ctb

[B4mbi]

Sorry for the huge block of text, I'll try to keep this concise.

I have no parents, I have half sisters but they all live away from me and we never talk, I have no friends and I live on my own. This obviously makes it much easier to ctb but I realised that when I go, it'll be a very long time before anyone realises that I'm missing. Knowing that at least one person might read this and understand why I did what I did gives me some comfort. I'll try to keep it concise.

A bit about my parents, my dad died when I was 14. As I mentioned my sisters are all half sisters, none of our dads lived with us. My mum has bipolar and she liked to target me a lot, saying that everything bad that ever happened was all my fault like I was some sort of bad omen. One time she said to me "I hate you, and I'm being serious when I say this, I'll give you away to social services to give your two sisters a better life". She didn't end up doing that, instead she picked up and left me when I was 16. One of my sisters went with her and the other was old enough to get her own place. I ended up in a care home and then a hostel with other orphans who turned to drugs and do nothing with their lives.

I took up ballet when I was 16 because I always wanted to but my mum never let me go so I thought starting despite her would make me feel better. I actually ended up getting into a ballet school and moving into my own place which brings me to today. I was already so discontent with my life and ready to ctb, only to be given this chance to live and train along side kind of people I've always dreamt of being. to get away from the type of people I shared the hostel with, who just blast loud music, do drugs and smoke all day. Believing, "this is it", this is my "dream come true" this is my chance to be the kind of person I've always wanted to be. But everyone seems to hate me (like seriously they won't even talk to me, if I'm lucky I get one word answers from them) especially my tutors why are meant to guide and help me. Not only do I not have guidance or friends but I'm the same exact person I was when I started. I can't live up to these ridiculous expectations and become this entirely new capable person I was expected to be by now. I used to love ballet and saw it as a way out but now it humiliates me everyday. This particular tutor that hates me always calls me to the front to give me corrections. Then makes me do the step over and over again in front of everyone while they all stare at me in disappointment and disbelief, probably wondering how such a talentless idiot ended up in their studio.

I really want to leave. I don't belong there at all. The only reason I got accepted is because of the pandemic, less people were applying, it's a complete joke. But if I leave I'll go back to being nothing having accomplished nothing. Thinking about ctb is the only thing that makes me feel better. Yea I won't be remembered but I think I prefer it that way.

The thing that gets me is that I know it's all my fault. I was stupid to think I could go to this school and be on the same level as everyone else there. I was bullied a lot in my old school, so I went to the guidance counsellor and she asked me "well what have you done to make them all not like you?". And of course there's what my mum said to me, "I'll give you away", "I hate you". I was so stupid to think I would find someone or ever make friends. Clearly I'm just disposable garbage, "anyone else would be better than you". At least it can all be over soon.

Thank you for reading :)

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot and it must be tiring what you have to endure. I understand why you would feel so relieved at the thought of it all being over, to me there is nothing more comforting than the thought of permanently ceasing to exist and not having to experience anything ever again. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[Rational man]

I'm sorry to read your painful story. To be honest, none of this is your fault. But it seems that you are connected to some people who pass judgement and deflect their own pain on you. It's sad because you sound like a sensitive soul who has a gift of expression yet some people want to suppress you. I can empathise with a similar situation. I made a plan and escaped at 18. I was finally free; I could breathe and I found some contentment. I'm scarred though, emotionally but I'm here today. I wish you peace❤

 

[B4mbi]

It sounds like you have been through a lot and it must be tiring what you have to endure. I understand why you would feel so relieved at the thought of it all being over, to me there is nothing more comforting than the thought of permanently ceasing to exist and not having to experience anything ever again. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

Thank you! I'm so surprised to see that someone actually read this, it really means a lot to me! It's sounds like you've been through a lot, too. I wish you peace x

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I hope that you can find some people who inspire you and you're able to connect with… You've been through a lot and deserve better…

 

[ShanaRei]

It sounds like a wonderful opportunity and I would maybe hang in there for a little while just to see if it gets better. Unfortunately people suck and they love to create misery for each other. I don't think that changes as you get older but at some point you just start to expect and anticipate it, and that makes it feel a little easier.

 

[angelallalone]

I'm sorry you've had to experience such pain. I know the heartbreak of finding a passion and opportunity, only to have it bring even more pain into life.

None of this is your fault. I'm sure that doesn't mean much coming from an internet stranger but I mean it genuinely and wholeheartedly <3

 

[fayth2567]

Sorry you had to endure having a bad mom, sounded like it affected you in life quite a bit. I hope you are able to cope and find some peace.

 

[B4mbi]

I'm sorry you've had to experience such pain. I know the heartbreak of finding a passion and opportunity, only to have it bring even more pain into life.

None of this is your fault. I'm sure that doesn't mean much coming from an internet stranger but I mean it genuinely and wholeheartedly <3

It really does mean a lot to me, thank you! Xx

 

[freedomcalls]

I wanted to comment to let you know I had read your post and I feel a great deal of compassion for you.

I am sorry that your mum has caused you such deep hurt; that is a very painful wound to carry

Do you feel like there's anyone in your college you could speak to about how you feel? I can't help but wonder if your Ill treatment by your Mum made you hypersensitive to rejections which may be partly coming from your own feelings of inadequacy?
I feel like you must have talent to have made it into the ballet school? And that your teachers wouldn't invest so much energy into correcting you if they didn't see potential in you?
As somebody who has also been bullied in the past, at this point I believe that most bullying stems from insecurity… I wonder if the people who are unkind to you are jealous of the drive you must have to have gotten so far on your own?

Sending lots of love

 

[Pluto]

This is an awful situation and I relate very much. An ultra-toxic parent has a way of poisoning us so that all our future relationships and ambitions are somehow tainted.

I've had many times in my life where people hate me intensely for no apparent reason. They can sense that my role in life is just to be someone to blame, mock and torment for fun. I'm just there for their amusement; to take out the frustration of life on. No one would ever defend me, just as it was at home with my twisted family.

To start to regain control, the first step is to shift blame away from yourself and towards the lunatic who abused you, and the schools that did not support you. None of this is a reflection on how worthy you are, how lovable you are and what potential you have in life. It's a reflection on someone else's sickness.

 

[B4mbi]

This is an awful situation and I relate very much. An ultra-toxic parent has a way of poisoning us so that all our future relationships and ambitions are somehow tainted.

I've had many times in my life where people hate me intensely for no apparent reason. They can sense that my role in life is just to be someone to blame, mock and torment for fun. I'm just there for their amusement; to take out the frustration of life on. No one would ever defend me, just as it was at home with my twisted family.

To start to regain control, the first step is to shift blame away from yourself and towards the lunatic who abused you, and the schools that did not support you. None of this is a reflection on how worthy you are, how lovable you are and what potential you have in life. It's a reflection on someone else's sickness.

Yes that's exactly how I feel, and I'm so sorry you feel that way, too. But whenever I shift blame away from myself I feel so guilty like I'm ignoring the truth or something, is that how you feel?

 

[pauly1963]

Sorry for the huge block of text, I'll try to keep this concise.

I have no parents, I have half sisters but they all live away from me and we never talk, I have no friends and I live on my own. This obviously makes it much easier to ctb but I realised that when I go, it'll be a very long time before anyone realises that I'm missing. Knowing that at least one person might read this and understand why I did what I did gives me some comfort. I'll try to keep it concise.

A bit about my parents, my dad died when I was 14. As I mentioned my sisters are all half sisters, none of our dads lived with us. My mum has bipolar and she liked to target me a lot, saying that everything bad that ever happened was all my fault like I was some sort of bad omen. One time she said to me "I hate you, and I'm being serious when I say this, I'll give you away to social services to give your two sisters a better life". She didn't end up doing that, instead she picked up and left me when I was 16. One of my sisters went with her and the other was old enough to get her own place. I ended up in a care home and then a hostel with other orphans who turned to drugs and do nothing with their lives.

I took up ballet when I was 16 because I always wanted to but my mum never let me go so I thought starting despite her would make me feel better. I actually ended up getting into a ballet school and moving into my own place which brings me to today. I was already so discontent with my life and ready to ctb, only to be given this chance to live and train along side kind of people I've always dreamt of being. to get away from the type of people I shared the hostel with, who just blast loud music, do drugs and smoke all day. Believing, "this is it", this is my "dream come true" this is my chance to be the kind of person I've always wanted to be. But everyone seems to hate me (like seriously they won't even talk to me, if I'm lucky I get one word answers from them) especially my tutors why are meant to guide and help me. Not only do I not have guidance or friends but I'm the same exact person I was when I started. I can't live up to these ridiculous expectations and become this entirely new capable person I was expected to be by now. I used to love ballet and saw it as a way out but now it humiliates me everyday. This particular tutor that hates me always calls me to the front to give me corrections. Then makes me do the step over and over again in front of everyone while they all stare at me in disappointment and disbelief, probably wondering how such a talentless idiot ended up in their studio.

I really want to leave. I don't belong there at all. The only reason I got accepted is because of the pandemic, less people were applying, it's a complete joke. But if I leave I'll go back to being nothing having accomplished nothing. Thinking about ctb is the only thing that makes me feel better. Yea I won't be remembered but I think I prefer it that way.

The thing that gets me is that I know it's all my fault. I was stupid to think I could go to this school and be on the same level as everyone else there. I was bullied a lot in my old school, so I went to the guidance counsellor and she asked me "well what have you done to make them all not like you?". And of course there's what my mum said to me, "I'll give you away", "I hate you". I was so stupid to think I would find someone or ever make friends. Clearly I'm just disposable garbage, "anyone else would be better than you". At least it can all be over soon.

Thank you for reading :)

Sorry for the huge block of text, I'll try to keep this concise.

I have no parents, I have half sisters but they all live away from me and we never talk, I have no friends and I live on my own. This obviously makes it much easier to ctb but I realised that when I go, it'll be a very long time before anyone realises that I'm missing. Knowing that at least one person might read this and understand why I did what I did gives me some comfort. I'll try to keep it concise.

A bit about my parents, my dad died when I was 14. As I mentioned my sisters are all half sisters, none of our dads lived with us. My mum has bipolar and she liked to target me a lot, saying that everything bad that ever happened was all my fault like I was some sort of bad omen. One time she said to me "I hate you, and I'm being serious when I say this, I'll give you away to social services to give your two sisters a better life". She didn't end up doing that, instead she picked up and left me when I was 16. One of my sisters went with her and the other was old enough to get her own place. I ended up in a care home and then a hostel with other orphans who turned to drugs and do nothing with their lives.

I took up ballet when I was 16 because I always wanted to but my mum never let me go so I thought starting despite her would make me feel better. I actually ended up getting into a ballet school and moving into my own place which brings me to today. I was already so discontent with my life and ready to ctb, only to be given this chance to live and train along side kind of people I've always dreamt of being. to get away from the type of people I shared the hostel with, who just blast loud music, do drugs and smoke all day. Believing, "this is it", this is my "dream come true" this is my chance to be the kind of person I've always wanted to be. But everyone seems to hate me (like seriously they won't even talk to me, if I'm lucky I get one word answers from them) especially my tutors why are meant to guide and help me. Not only do I not have guidance or friends but I'm the same exact person I was when I started. I can't live up to these ridiculous expectations and become this entirely new capable person I was expected to be by now. I used to love ballet and saw it as a way out but now it humiliates me everyday. This particular tutor that hates me always calls me to the front to give me corrections. Then makes me do the step over and over again in front of everyone while they all stare at me in disappointment and disbelief, probably wondering how such a talentless idiot ended up in their studio.

I really want to leave. I don't belong there at all. The only reason I got accepted is because of the pandemic, less people were applying, it's a complete joke. But if I leave I'll go back to being nothing having accomplished nothing. Thinking about ctb is the only thing that makes me feel better. Yea I won't be remembered but I think I prefer it that way.

The thing that gets me is that I know it's all my fault. I was stupid to think I could go to this school and be on the same level as everyone else there. I was bullied a lot in my old school, so I went to the guidance counsellor and she asked me "well what have you done to make them all not like you?". And of course there's what my mum said to me, "I'll give you away", "I hate you". I was so stupid to think I would find someone or ever make friends. Clearly I'm just disposable garbage, "anyone else would be better than you". At least it can all be over soon.

Thank you for reading :)

You were bullied and singled out because you are seen as different to so-called normal people. Except that it's actually the bullies of this world who are not normal, yet they always twist things around and make out that you are always the one who is at fault. They are evil. I have been through all of this myself. Narcissistic parents, school bullies all made my life hell. I don't know you personally, but in my own experiences and observations it is always the good people of this world who are targeted for abuse. I also have no friends, no family except a sister who sees me as a burden. I am so sorry you are having to endure this. It's heartbreaking what you have been through. Hugs

 

[Pluto]

Yes that's exactly how I feel, and I'm so sorry you feel that way, too. But whenever I shift blame away from myself I feel so guilty like I'm ignoring the truth or something, is that how you feel?

Yes, I struggled to get validation and questioned myself constantly. Nfather used charm, defamation and other tactics to turn the whole family against me. It's like growing up in a cult where the leader decides what is true or untrue. Of course, they will ensure that they are the victim even though they just spend decades torturing a child. There is a long list of tactics that they use.

It's very helpful that you are aware that your mother has bipolar. I've known many mothers with bipolar who are inclined towards angry outbursts, but your case sounds even more serious again. It's likely that there is more to uncover. She likely had an 'interesting' childhood herself - not that that excuses her.

When it comes to working with emotions, you become the parent of your own inner child. The child needs a safe and nurturing environment to express her emotions, shed tears and regulate her central nervous system. All emotions - guilt, sadness, anger - need to be allowed to run their course without judging them as bad, trying to distract yourself or repressing them.

The other thing you need is a lot of validation, which starts to challenge the brainwashing. There are many support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse, and these can help you to start to find yourself again, and make your life about you. As you've found, relationships with 'normies' can be risky until more work has been done, otherwise you will tend to find the same patterns of abuse emerging.

How a Subreddit for People With Narcissistic Parents Helps Them Heal

For some people, this community is life-changing.

www.self.com

 

[pauly1963]

This is why I am a loner: for some bizzare reason I have always attracted the narcissistic types. They often don't show their true colours until it's too late. My parents were evil, Stepfather was a paedophile, Mother was a narcissistic bitch who turned a blind eye to what He was doing. It's a miracle I survived with my sanity intact, yet every now and then I get flashbacks to the things that happened.

 

[B4mbi]

This is why I am a loner: for some bizzare reason I have always attracted the narcissistic types. They often don't show their true colours until it's too late. My parents were evil, Stepfather was a paedophile, Mother was a narcissistic bitch who turned a blind eye to what He was doing. It's a miracle I survived with my sanity intact, yet every now and then I get flashbacks to the things that happened.

I'm so so sorry that happened to you you are so incredibly strong! I can't believe how evil the majority of the work is, and they're the ones who have it better than us. I just feel like the world has no place for good honest people anymore, and they're the ones who always get taken advantage of and abused.
I hope you can find peace xx

Yes, I struggled to get validation and questioned myself constantly. Nfather used charm, defamation and other tactics to turn the whole family against me. It's like growing up in a cult where the leader decides what is true or untrue. Of course, they will ensure that they are the victim even though they just spend decades torturing a child. There is a long list of tactics that they use.

It's very helpful that you are aware that your mother has bipolar. I've known many mothers with bipolar who are inclined towards angry outbursts, but your case sounds even more serious again. It's likely that there is more to uncover. She likely had an 'interesting' childhood herself - not that that excuses her.

When it comes to working with emotions, you become the parent of your own inner child. The child needs a safe and nurturing environment to express her emotions, shed tears and regulate her central nervous system. All emotions - guilt, sadness, anger - need to be allowed to run their course without judging them as bad, trying to distract yourself or repressing them.

The other thing you need is a lot of validation, which starts to challenge the brainwashing. There are many support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse, and these can help you to start to find yourself again, and make your life about you. As you've found, relationships with 'normies' can be risky until more work has been done, otherwise you will tend to find the same patterns of abuse emerging.

How a Subreddit for People With Narcissistic Parents Helps Them Heal

For some people, this community is life-changing.

www.self.com

Thank you so much for sending that to me, Pluto! It means more to me than you will ever know. Sometimes I feel like I'm the crazy person and that I must be doing something wrong just like everyone says. It's so nice to hear someone say that and make me feel like I'm not crazy. I'm genuinely trying my best in life but it never works out, even the simplest things like making friends. I hate how messed up this world is, it seems like you can only survive if you're an asshole but I'd rather be true to myself. It's so nice to see that even someone who has experienced as much as you have, still has compassion for others. Sending you all the love and peace xx

Also I will check out the forum :)

 

[actual_fox]

That is very long journey you had to go through. Sorry you did not find what you have been looking for.

 

[Pluto]

Sometimes I feel like I'm the crazy person and that I must be doing something wrong just like everyone says.

You're most welcome. It is very healing to be able to pass on a message I wish I could give to my younger self. It evolves humanity somehow.

What you say is true. A renowned expert in narcissism, Dr. Ramani, once commented that many of the world's most powerful positions are occupied by dark triad people, and this is why there's so much injustice.

My late grandmother was the only one to support me when I tried to speak out against Nfather, and she made a comment that I think is relevant here: she said that I actually need to become a bit more like him. This applies to you. Not in the sense of becoming cruel, but knowing of your own worth. Examples:

* You deserve to be protected from all harm
* It is not OK for anyone to mistreat you
* You are deserving of positive relationships, success and fulfilment

If you like, you can try this as first-person affirmations ("I deserve to be protected from..."), but it is also important to be around people who will repeatedly drum this message into you. This is brainwashing, but used transparently to undo previous brainwashing. It might seem intangible, but it gets to the root of the problem by gradually rewiring the nervous system.

Of course there is no judgement about the ultimate outcome, as we all know what it is like. But the world is a better place for you being here, so put up a good fight if you like. We're all right there with you.

PS: the link to that forum is here.

 

[Meaninglessness]

I am sorry that you have no friends, no parents and half sister who never talk to you. But you are not alone about this situation. There are people who have no contact with their family. There are others who have relatives who are mean and difficult to get along with. The problem is the society that we live in. Humans who live in nature must cooperate to survive.