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transLucyd

transLucyd

Member
Nov 5, 2024
18
I've visited this sites a couples of times and finally decided to register and talk because I'm feeling worse and worse these days,
I'm 27 trans woman from brazil. I've been depressed for nearly all my life. When I was younger I didn't know who I was and was very confused. Around 18 I started to understand myself, but was very masculine looking. Now I started hormones for quite sometime and look very female. But despite that I have never been sadder. My parents don't accept me (they deadname me and call me son), I'm at medschool and it's hard because the people there beehave like spoiled teenagers and I have no friends there. I have a few friends outside, but the reality is that I'm loosing interest in people by the day. I'm mostly attracted to women, and this is being hard to me, very few people in this town are lgbt and even then I was disappointed with the encountered I've had with them. Aside from that, I feel I can't actually hold a healthy relationship, I'm too insecure and I think I am just too socially akward, what only gets worse the more depressed I get.
There is more I wanted to say, but my story is long so maybe I'll tell more as people reply,
But there are things I want to say. Some people say they want to CTB because they feel like a burden. I don't, at least don't in general. I feel like I could be a competent doctor/researcher and also I've always been good at languages, mostly learning them by myself; aside from english I've learned some German, French, Chinese, Latin, ancient Greek, Russian, Turkish and more (some only to a basic extent). I didn't came here to brag or anything, but I want to say all of this to explain that I actually feel doubly wronged and saddened for being put aside in my family and in my enviroment. Maybe it's just this country. I'm living in a relatively small and kinda conservative city. But even when I see people from big cities like my collegues they feel so shallow and only see me as a token friend and don't care for me really. (and honestly I'm afraid of what might happen with Trump wins, he might put Bolsonaro back in power, and both prospects just make me feel more likely to CTB as soon as possible)
Aside from that, I wanted to show how I deal with all of this. This is my teddy bear, Gilbeart. Since I was a child I wanted a teddy bear but my parents didn't want to buy me. So during the pandemic I bought it by myself. I named him Gilbert at first, after W. S. Gilbert from Gilbert and Sullivan, whose operas I love, listen all the time and bring me a sense of understanding and beauty. I love Gilbeart. I just wish I could have been the girl in my avatar and live happly inside his hug.
369d27e7 8f27 43bf 9108 52e4e691af39
That's it. I bought SN, and it seems to be a good option. I still want to write some letters of goodbye and a final message before deciding it for real.
I really feel good being able to write this for people who might actually understand me. Thanks in advance for anyone willing to reply to me (productively, of course).
 
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mango-meridian

mango-meridian

Student
Apr 5, 2024
122
I enjoyed reading your story! It sounds like things have been really rough but I will say SaSu has been great for me in the short time I've been here so far. There are lots people who can relate to me. I think you will feel similarly.

Anyway, whatever you do I hope you find peace.
 
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hellworldprincess

hellworldprincess

death come kind. lay no curse on me.
Jun 29, 2024
61
I'm so sorry. You deserved better parents and a better world in general. Although Trump is obviously buddy buddy with Bolsonaro, I didn't know there was a probability for him staging a coup against Lula.
As a European, I can only imagine what lgbtqia+ people on the other side of the Atlantic must be going through, although I'm trans-feminine myself.
I would definitely be interested in more of your story if you want to share.
Please give Gilbeart a hug for me :heart:
 
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transLucyd

transLucyd

Member
Nov 5, 2024
18
Please give Gilbeart a hug for me :heart:
He is hugging you back.

I don't know how easy for a coup to be staged. But the fact is that the army here is always willing to do such a thing. But really, even if that is unlikely on the short run, I don't want to life in any more fear and anxiety than I already do.
I don't have anything in my live left. I never had a real life and all I do is wait for a better future that never comes. I'm so tired of that.
 
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BlackEyedDog

BlackEyedDog

Mage
May 6, 2024
549
It's wonderful you will one day be a doctor or researcher. Either way you want to help others, and are on track to succeed if you can maintain your mental health. It is pretty cool you know even some of so many different languages.
 
transLucyd

transLucyd

Member
Nov 5, 2024
18
It's wonderful you will one day be a doctor or researcher. Either way you want to help others, and are on track to succeed if you can maintain your mental health. It is pretty cool you know even some of so many different languages.
I don't think I'll be much anything after the results today. The world is gonna crumble in the next years. I don't want to see it.
But thanks <3
 
BlackEyedDog

BlackEyedDog

Mage
May 6, 2024
549
I don't think I'll be much anything after the results today. The world is gonna crumble in the next years. I don't want to see it.
But thanks <3
These are going to be difficult times, but don't give up. Focus yourself more than ever on your goals. Find allies, irl and/or online as more people will begin to organize. I read your story and see someone who will one day offer care or find answers that may help many people.
 
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transLucyd

transLucyd

Member
Nov 5, 2024
18
I am not sure that I wanna help people anymore
 
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EternalShore

EternalShore

Hardworking Lass who Dreams of Love~ 💕✨
Jun 9, 2023
1,022
Aside from that, I wanted to show how I deal with all of this. This is my teddy bear, Gilbeart. Since I was a child I wanted a teddy bear but my parents didn't want to buy me. So during the pandemic I bought it by myself. I named him Gilbert at first, after W. S. Gilbert from Gilbert and Sullivan, whose operas I love, listen all the time and bring me a sense of understanding and beauty. I love Gilbeart. I just wish I could have been the girl in my avatar and live happly inside his hug.
awww~ your bear is really kyute! :D It's sad your parents were never willing to let you get one~ that's really cruel! :((( I am glad tho you're able to have one now~ :)

I'm very sorry for how everyone has mistreated you tho~ :( The world can be so evil, and parents and dead naming can be so persistent and annoying and depressing as heck! >_< I wish things were better for you and will pray for you~ :) even if a lot of adults are awful, children can be super sweet, pure, and kind tho~ :) you could become a pediatrician or something like that, so that you're helping nicer people than all these adults who mistreat you~ >_< well, if you're okay with children ofc~ :)
 
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transLucyd

transLucyd

Member
Nov 5, 2024
18
Oh, I really dislike dealing with children. And their parents.

I have another teddy bear, Gregory, named after Gregory House because he is a doctor haha. My ex (who is also trans) gave me as a birthday gift. And she and mother made him a little doctor's coat
IMG 20240205 WA0031
 
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VVL

VVL

Member
Jul 13, 2024
18
I rllyrlly loved ur teddy bears, they made me smile big. ❤️
Trump winning the elections is truly devastating, it makes me furious to think how many lgtbq+ people will be condemn to suffer under his power. Maybe moving to another country might be an option, ik it's easier said than done tho.. . I hope u find peace either way.
 
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transLucyd

transLucyd

Member
Nov 5, 2024
18
Oh, I wrote another post about the election. I was a shock of course, but I am feeling better now.
Started talking to friends and trying to keep calm. I stopped thinking about CTB for a while now. But I find this site a good place to talk about difficult issues that most people don't want to talk about.

Glad to know you liked my teddy bears, they are ao dear to me and make me at ease when I am sad
 
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