Story My suicide attempt and where i am right now

[bananaolympus]

Hello eveyone i am new to the forum and i wanted to share my story, i suffer from pretty bad insomnia and ocd since i was a kid, i got into ssri and benzos since i was 15/16 i am 28 now, i was fine till 2015 when i was 19 i got my first mental breakdown and i developed a weird fear of not sleeping past 24 hours even though you not gonna die by not sleeping one night but ocd is not rational i got seroquel from the psychiatrist, i battle my ocd, anxiety, depression until 2021 when i developed tinnitus i don't know the cause could been noise exposure or dental problems i had an overbite and bruxism crooked teeth too, my fear of not sleeping worsened thinking with this condition i would not manage to sleep, then a couple of months battling this new condition and my insomnia getting worse, one day it came my mind just to end it, my mind was almost blank there was no fear no sadness just nothingness pure numbness, then i fell from a balcony face burst, well i lived to tell the tale, it wasn't as high as i thought was like 10 meters, but when i let myself go i felt a big sensation of relief like all my problems disappeared until i got hit by reality lol, it didn't hurt my body i was full on adrenaline but i felt so defeated, something odd happened because help came less than a minute the first person to come to my aid was a paramedic and the ambulance came a minute later like if they were expectibg something to happen, i gotta say i didn't hesitate i just took a big breath it took me like 10 secs to jump, well i was sedated for 3 weeks, i broke my jaw in 3 places, lost 10 teeth broke my left eye orbital bone, both femurs and knees fractured a hip too and a small foot fracture and minor nerve damage in my handsi couldn't mive my right arm at all i was like paralyzed for like 2 months but i quickly recovered all movement, my fear of not sleeping disappeared and my ocd got reduced by like 90%, but thats were the good things end, my tinnitus got worse every year and like 3-4 months ago i got sound distortions i heard like beeps wuth many sounds like people talking, tv, music, ac, humudifiers it got so difficult to sleep i only sleep when my body shuts down from exhaustion i only get like 2 hours of sleep since the distortions appeared because i can't no longer mask my tinnitus which is pretty bad, i could take away my problems by watching youtube or listening to music now i can only watch the walls around me since i can't tolerate sound no more and thats not the worst part, the worst part is that i been bedbound since my attempt one of my femurs has healed so slow my doctor expected me to walk again one year after my incident but my bone has healed so slow, i got a few surgeries in those years an oral surgeon repaired my face since the first one botchered me the in the er he was so mad and offered me to pay him later because he thought i could get meningitis anytime pretty good empathetic doctor my orthopedic surgeon is also a very good doctor nobody hoped i would survive too much blood lose i was given an 85% chance of death but he fought very hard to keep me alive multiple 10+ hours of surgeries in those 3 weeks and another surgery in my good femur my plate failed so i had to be replaced, but the good news is my bone is finally ready for what could be my last surgery after 3+ years i might finally walk in 2025, and i hope by having my mobility back things could get better.

 

[CatLvr]

Goodness!! I am SO sorry you have gone through all that! I have chronic pain issues -- some from abuse, accidents over the years, some from surgeries to try and correct the issues -- and it is no fun at all but you ...... DAMN, You are one tough nut!!

Congrats on the OCD getting better!! Is there nothing they can do for the tinnitus?? I was a competitive shooter for a while and have tinnitus because I spent every waking minute at a gun range somewhere popping off rounds of various calibers and generally having a GREAT time, but nothing like what you describe.

I don't know what country you are in ... But I have some friends here in the US that are taking meds, I think, for their tinnitus. I can ask them what they are doing if you'd like.

I hope you are up on your feet and moving soon. I was bedbound for a short while after my last accident (shattered my spine in several places -- lucky I wasn't paralyzed or worse) and man, when I could get up it hurt like a MoFo but it also felt SO GOOD to move around!

 

[bananaolympus]

Thank you, i hope to manage this thing once im on my feet the issues are that because of my lack of mobility i couldn't seek help properly, a wheelchair was a lot of pain to the damaged hip, 2025 gonna be a busy year but i hope for the better