I don't even know how to process this. Please read my post history to fully understand where I am coming from with all of this. I am not currently in active mania or psychosis.
My therapist specializes in EMDR but for the past 4 sessions we have been having an open discussion about my psychosis episode in 2021, in order to pinpoint what exactly we should target with EMDR. He was recommended to me by the therapist contracted with my intensive outpatient program for alcohol abuse.
My problem is that while I was undergraduate, I took psychedelics and had tangible experiences with "oneness with the universe", "God consciousness", that I was able to bring back and assimilate productively into my daily life. I started to practice meditation daily and truly became the best version of myself. I managed to use New Age spirituality as a tool to better my life, and while I was always hungry for something "more", like what I had experienced with psychedelics, I was content with the idea of "the universe experiencing itself" and didn't push it further.
Years later when I was binge drinking and smoking weed to the -nth degree, I took my perceptions of a higher power and absolutely overindulged, along with my substance use. Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun, and got burned - spiritual psychosis. Since then, I have been petrified, making no meaningful progress in my life. My therapist is aware of all of this.
And.. he acknowledged it as a real experience for me. He acknowledged that I had experienced something greater than myself yet that I was also part of it. He acknowledged with me that I, as an addict, probably shouldn't have continued yearning for it on a daily basis, which I was doing leading up to my psychosis. He acknowledged that I feel like a shell of who I once was, that I feel like a vital part of me is missing in the aftermath of my psychosis. And he acknowledged that there is a spiritual hole in me that has left me rotting in bed for 3 years. And most importantly, he even agreed with the quote another commenter gave me, "the psychotic individual drowns in the same waters the mystic swims in".
He seemed truly stumped as to what advice to give me. It's like, in my situation, I have entered uncharted territory. He said he felt that while spirituality definitely contributed to my getting ill in the mind, being a spiritual seeker is not inherently bad and is something that is a core part of me. He encouraged me to seek out holistic medical professionals in my area, practices that incorporate both Western and Eastern medicine. He even said, "with your psychosis, your psychiatrist obviously wouldn't recommend you do any type of psychedelic therapy", but seemed frustrated by that fact, like it would be beneficial to me in a clinical setting. He acknowledged why I am extremely apprehensive about reintroducing a spiritual aspect into my life due to my mental health history, while simultaneously noting that it is probably what I need to heal from my post-psychosis depression.
Like I said, he truly seemed to be stumped by my situation, but he acknowledged it as a real thing, and made me feel seen and heard. But he had no recommendations for a path forward. Nothing that he could probably ethically suggest as a psychotherapist based in modern science, anyways.
What the fuck?
My therapist specializes in EMDR but for the past 4 sessions we have been having an open discussion about my psychosis episode in 2021, in order to pinpoint what exactly we should target with EMDR. He was recommended to me by the therapist contracted with my intensive outpatient program for alcohol abuse.
My problem is that while I was undergraduate, I took psychedelics and had tangible experiences with "oneness with the universe", "God consciousness", that I was able to bring back and assimilate productively into my daily life. I started to practice meditation daily and truly became the best version of myself. I managed to use New Age spirituality as a tool to better my life, and while I was always hungry for something "more", like what I had experienced with psychedelics, I was content with the idea of "the universe experiencing itself" and didn't push it further.
Years later when I was binge drinking and smoking weed to the -nth degree, I took my perceptions of a higher power and absolutely overindulged, along with my substance use. Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun, and got burned - spiritual psychosis. Since then, I have been petrified, making no meaningful progress in my life. My therapist is aware of all of this.
And.. he acknowledged it as a real experience for me. He acknowledged that I had experienced something greater than myself yet that I was also part of it. He acknowledged with me that I, as an addict, probably shouldn't have continued yearning for it on a daily basis, which I was doing leading up to my psychosis. He acknowledged that I feel like a shell of who I once was, that I feel like a vital part of me is missing in the aftermath of my psychosis. And he acknowledged that there is a spiritual hole in me that has left me rotting in bed for 3 years. And most importantly, he even agreed with the quote another commenter gave me, "the psychotic individual drowns in the same waters the mystic swims in".
He seemed truly stumped as to what advice to give me. It's like, in my situation, I have entered uncharted territory. He said he felt that while spirituality definitely contributed to my getting ill in the mind, being a spiritual seeker is not inherently bad and is something that is a core part of me. He encouraged me to seek out holistic medical professionals in my area, practices that incorporate both Western and Eastern medicine. He even said, "with your psychosis, your psychiatrist obviously wouldn't recommend you do any type of psychedelic therapy", but seemed frustrated by that fact, like it would be beneficial to me in a clinical setting. He acknowledged why I am extremely apprehensive about reintroducing a spiritual aspect into my life due to my mental health history, while simultaneously noting that it is probably what I need to heal from my post-psychosis depression.
Like I said, he truly seemed to be stumped by my situation, but he acknowledged it as a real thing, and made me feel seen and heard. But he had no recommendations for a path forward. Nothing that he could probably ethically suggest as a psychotherapist based in modern science, anyways.
What the fuck?
