gonegal95
Member
- Aug 30, 2024
- 12
Just a rant.
I write this with a noose around my neck as I chill in my bed. Im just getting used to the feeling. I have practiced choking myself until fainting. Im trying to build a relationship with the feeling.
Ill be doing full suspension hanging outdoors within the next two weeks.
Im not scared. I got that out of my system. I am no longer crying out for help. I am in that final stage of acceptance and on the outside I look happier than ever.
I hugged my ex boyfriend for the last time last night. I saw my family and closest friends for the last time recently. I said my goodbyes. I have written my letters.
I am going to be homeless next month. I have failed school and quit my lousy job. Even if I didn't quit my job or school, I'd still be homeless regardless, because my ex fiancé turned out to be a "dismissive avoidant" and discarded me 2 months after asking me to marry him, so I have to move out with nowhere to go. Can't live with friends or family. Did I do anything bad to him? No. But I understand why, I just wish I didn't fall for his fake secure attachment. Regardless, I am not CTB because of this breakup. I was ready to CTB long before and during. But I must admit it's what pushed me over the edge because I'll be homeless. I don't have the means to support myself, nor have I ever, no family or friends to help. And for the first time, I don't even have a car. I'm used to living in my car and camping homeless. But now I can't even do that. I don't blame my ex, just wish he would've been more kind.
I have started ripping my hair out. I have always ripped my hair out when overwhelmed but now I have zero care for leaving bald spots. I'm going to cut it short.
Today I am organizing my digital photos and deleting all social media accounts and my information from the cloud.
Tomorrow I'm going out to test drive some hanging trees. Theres actually a park I have always dreamed about myself hanging there. For 15 years. Even before I knew I would be killing myself, I would have dreams about hanging there. I would not be found for a long time. I am out of visible view of the public paths. I have explored the areas off trails extensively and know a place I can go without being found for a very long time.
I'm going to book a taxi cab to the park entrance on the day of and bring a folding chair for kicking underneath me. The taxi cab will think Im just going to an outdoor hangout.
Im going to bring signs to post on trees, maybe some construction tape, before my body comes into view, in hopes of preventing anyone who finds me from actually seeing me. Where I'll be, the most likely people to find me are misbehaving kids going off trail to do drugs, or the occasional homeless person living in the woods. I don't want to traumatize them.
As a woman, I especially want to protect my body from men. Im shaving my head and dressing as a boy.
It will be within next 2 weeks. On a weekday likely a Wednesday when the park is least crowded.
It's autumn where I live right now. It's absolutely stunning outside. Ive thought all my life about how joyous it will be to decompose with the autumn mushrooms. I hope I can go without being found long enough for that to happen.
I'm doing this all with zero substances in my system. Nothing but the drive to do future self a favor. Ive been persistently depressed for over 20 years and suicidal for 16 years. Hope kept me going. But if I had known life would be like this I would've ended it all back then and saved myself from the future suffering. I have no agency or roadmaps left. I have genuinely tried. Every step forward was 10 steps back.
- WHY IM CTB -
20 years persistent depression. 16 years suicidal ideation. Almost 30 years old. I have several chronic illnesses that prevent me from working any kind of job. Severe sensory processing issues, severe PMDD, OCD, anxiety, depression obviously, ADHD, probably autistic. Probably an immune issue too because I'm sick once per month and also live in chronic pain. I spend most of my days in a dark room in my bed because it's all I can handle. Born to abusive family. Severely neglected. Dont have a personality or skills. Am obviously vulnerable and attract abusers. All friendships were one-sided and ended when I had boundaries. All romantic relationships end in abuse or being discarded. All jobs end in me abruptly quitting within 3 months because it's too much. The worst part? I genuinely tried. I went to school. I built a career. I became financially independent and even had everything in line to become wealthy. The problem? My health issues. I discovered that even when life is good, it is too much for me to handle. When I got a dream job I worked hard for, was remote and accommodating, paid well enough for "fuck you" money, I quit because my health issues. Now that I know even GOOD life opportunities are impossibly overwhelming, I have lost all hope. I could win the Nobel Prize and I'd probably die from overwhelm. Also, I've done all the treatment. Inpatient, outpatient, meds, therapy, etc. for YEARS and at the very best institutions. Turns out I am treatment resistant. Both mentally and physically. And my most longest running doctor ended up being a criminal who lost all my record, so to get disability, I'd have to go through a lot of these failing treatments for a second or even third time. I just don't have the strength to keep going. I'm alone. Theres too many health issues with me. I'm unable to support myself. I am a leper among people. I am not able to experience love. I have no agency. No roadmap left. Nothing to look forward to. I am only getting older and sicker. As I mentioned, I have PMDD. I told myself I would not act on anything until I felt this bad even during the "good" phases. Well, for the last year, I feel this bad during the "good phases" including right now. I don't want to be around for when the luteal phase hits. Last month terrorized me. I am ready to go.
Just fuck this world. Last year the Feds raided my house after I bought the peaceful death chemical online and they humiliated me bringing dozens of police and firetrucks to my apartment. They treated me like an exciting work project and not like a human. They referred me to an institution where one of my bullies from high school worked and managed to bully me even more. I reported them, nothing happened. They told me to call them whenever I felt down. So I did. And all they did was basically tell me I'm too poor for proper care, such is life. Fuck the feds for forcing me to hang instead and potentially traumatize whoever finds me. When someone is ready to go, they're ready. Fuck this era of humanity with its kink of living against all odds with no regard to quality of life.
If you are young, like under 25, and otherwise have okay health or support, please give it time and give life a shot. Im glad I did despite how I feel. I've watched life get better for others. Unfortunately I was left out.
I am a leper and if in historic times, Id be the woman sacrificed to the bogs or hung as a witch. I am simply not meant to be here. I am a leper. It is time I remove myself from earth. This life is not worth living.
I write this with a noose around my neck as I chill in my bed. Im just getting used to the feeling. I have practiced choking myself until fainting. Im trying to build a relationship with the feeling.
Ill be doing full suspension hanging outdoors within the next two weeks.
Im not scared. I got that out of my system. I am no longer crying out for help. I am in that final stage of acceptance and on the outside I look happier than ever.
I hugged my ex boyfriend for the last time last night. I saw my family and closest friends for the last time recently. I said my goodbyes. I have written my letters.
I am going to be homeless next month. I have failed school and quit my lousy job. Even if I didn't quit my job or school, I'd still be homeless regardless, because my ex fiancé turned out to be a "dismissive avoidant" and discarded me 2 months after asking me to marry him, so I have to move out with nowhere to go. Can't live with friends or family. Did I do anything bad to him? No. But I understand why, I just wish I didn't fall for his fake secure attachment. Regardless, I am not CTB because of this breakup. I was ready to CTB long before and during. But I must admit it's what pushed me over the edge because I'll be homeless. I don't have the means to support myself, nor have I ever, no family or friends to help. And for the first time, I don't even have a car. I'm used to living in my car and camping homeless. But now I can't even do that. I don't blame my ex, just wish he would've been more kind.
I have started ripping my hair out. I have always ripped my hair out when overwhelmed but now I have zero care for leaving bald spots. I'm going to cut it short.
Today I am organizing my digital photos and deleting all social media accounts and my information from the cloud.
Tomorrow I'm going out to test drive some hanging trees. Theres actually a park I have always dreamed about myself hanging there. For 15 years. Even before I knew I would be killing myself, I would have dreams about hanging there. I would not be found for a long time. I am out of visible view of the public paths. I have explored the areas off trails extensively and know a place I can go without being found for a very long time.
I'm going to book a taxi cab to the park entrance on the day of and bring a folding chair for kicking underneath me. The taxi cab will think Im just going to an outdoor hangout.
Im going to bring signs to post on trees, maybe some construction tape, before my body comes into view, in hopes of preventing anyone who finds me from actually seeing me. Where I'll be, the most likely people to find me are misbehaving kids going off trail to do drugs, or the occasional homeless person living in the woods. I don't want to traumatize them.
As a woman, I especially want to protect my body from men. Im shaving my head and dressing as a boy.
It will be within next 2 weeks. On a weekday likely a Wednesday when the park is least crowded.
It's autumn where I live right now. It's absolutely stunning outside. Ive thought all my life about how joyous it will be to decompose with the autumn mushrooms. I hope I can go without being found long enough for that to happen.
I'm doing this all with zero substances in my system. Nothing but the drive to do future self a favor. Ive been persistently depressed for over 20 years and suicidal for 16 years. Hope kept me going. But if I had known life would be like this I would've ended it all back then and saved myself from the future suffering. I have no agency or roadmaps left. I have genuinely tried. Every step forward was 10 steps back.
- WHY IM CTB -
20 years persistent depression. 16 years suicidal ideation. Almost 30 years old. I have several chronic illnesses that prevent me from working any kind of job. Severe sensory processing issues, severe PMDD, OCD, anxiety, depression obviously, ADHD, probably autistic. Probably an immune issue too because I'm sick once per month and also live in chronic pain. I spend most of my days in a dark room in my bed because it's all I can handle. Born to abusive family. Severely neglected. Dont have a personality or skills. Am obviously vulnerable and attract abusers. All friendships were one-sided and ended when I had boundaries. All romantic relationships end in abuse or being discarded. All jobs end in me abruptly quitting within 3 months because it's too much. The worst part? I genuinely tried. I went to school. I built a career. I became financially independent and even had everything in line to become wealthy. The problem? My health issues. I discovered that even when life is good, it is too much for me to handle. When I got a dream job I worked hard for, was remote and accommodating, paid well enough for "fuck you" money, I quit because my health issues. Now that I know even GOOD life opportunities are impossibly overwhelming, I have lost all hope. I could win the Nobel Prize and I'd probably die from overwhelm. Also, I've done all the treatment. Inpatient, outpatient, meds, therapy, etc. for YEARS and at the very best institutions. Turns out I am treatment resistant. Both mentally and physically. And my most longest running doctor ended up being a criminal who lost all my record, so to get disability, I'd have to go through a lot of these failing treatments for a second or even third time. I just don't have the strength to keep going. I'm alone. Theres too many health issues with me. I'm unable to support myself. I am a leper among people. I am not able to experience love. I have no agency. No roadmap left. Nothing to look forward to. I am only getting older and sicker. As I mentioned, I have PMDD. I told myself I would not act on anything until I felt this bad even during the "good" phases. Well, for the last year, I feel this bad during the "good phases" including right now. I don't want to be around for when the luteal phase hits. Last month terrorized me. I am ready to go.
Just fuck this world. Last year the Feds raided my house after I bought the peaceful death chemical online and they humiliated me bringing dozens of police and firetrucks to my apartment. They treated me like an exciting work project and not like a human. They referred me to an institution where one of my bullies from high school worked and managed to bully me even more. I reported them, nothing happened. They told me to call them whenever I felt down. So I did. And all they did was basically tell me I'm too poor for proper care, such is life. Fuck the feds for forcing me to hang instead and potentially traumatize whoever finds me. When someone is ready to go, they're ready. Fuck this era of humanity with its kink of living against all odds with no regard to quality of life.
If you are young, like under 25, and otherwise have okay health or support, please give it time and give life a shot. Im glad I did despite how I feel. I've watched life get better for others. Unfortunately I was left out.
I am a leper and if in historic times, Id be the woman sacrificed to the bogs or hung as a witch. I am simply not meant to be here. I am a leper. It is time I remove myself from earth. This life is not worth living.
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It's a cruel trick our bodies play on us, I feel.
