TheLastGreySky
Specialist
- Nov 24, 2023
- 357
So, I'm giving a quick disclaimer that everything I'm about to describe has led me to lose therapists and even loved ones when Ive tried to open up. I'm currently planning CTB, however regardless if I do choose to leave this world or to stay in it, I want to have a clear conscience. A lot of this is deeply horrifically disturbing, and not all this paints me in a good light. There was the time where I became the very things I hated.
Until I was 5 years old I lived in a hospital hooked to a feeding tube, when I finally got out I lived with my mom who had several abusive boyfriends, thankfully I don't remember any of them being abusive towards me personally, but at 7 years old I watched her get all of her front teeth knocked out when her boyfriend slammed her face first into the floor. Those also there when the dentist severed all the nerve endings or whatever they do. And for a long time I've replayed this in my head. It filled me with a lot of hate growing up. My older brother lived with my dad who injured my life around when I was 8, and my dad was good to me when I was a child, but he was a total psycho. I saw him body slam my brother threw a dog house and break his arms multiple times while only calling me names, and then I've also seen him lose his job when my mom let the same ex who knocked her teeth out back into her life, he had started beating her on my 8th birthday and my brother had called my dad and he came down and beat the guy close to death. So I'm really conflicted on how I feel about my childhood.
I didn't have any friends as a kid because I was picked on for always being sick, and because I was undiagnosed as autistic. As a teenager my mom made my therapy appointments all about her so I didn't get a lot of the help that I needed.
I didn't have my first set of friends until high School and I had got married to my high school sweetheart, who I was unknowingly verbally degrading and mentally abusive too.
Looking back I own this. I cannot fix this but that is who I was then because I never dealt with my issues when I was with her.
I had also developed tourette's and OCD as a teenager well secretly suffering from gender dysmorphia.
As an adult I was a sex addict, and a violent person in which my ex surprisingly was quite thrilled by both of these things. Eventually she got weight loss surgery and developed some kind of narcissistic psychosis and became very manipulative and vindictive and cruel to total strangers and even her close friends, and I've always felt like this was my fault, but I can't even apologize without it being a felony at this point. I still pray for her even though I don't love her, because my kids need her to get off drugs right now.
My brother became an extreme cutter and when he was alive had the words "kill" grafted/indented into his leg at the age of 14.
He was incarcerated since he was 11 from everything from psych wards to prisons
At the age of 29 he was murdered by the SWAT team where he lived in 2019 on my and my ex-wife's anniversary, and I was in denial until I saw the body cam footage, and it was a wrongful death but the state had money and he had a record. So I had to deal with that on my conscience. My daughter was born in 2020 and her and my ex had covid before it was officially confirmed to be in the states, and she and my ex fortunately both survived.
I had become almost catatonically bedbound from all the stress, and my ex had begun to neglect my daughter but I managed to become her primary caregiver while I was still grieving over the loss of my brother.
I had a breakdown while taking care of her because I didn't care who I was after she was born. I had dealt with suicidal ideation all my life, but I remember looking in her eyes as she was babbling and looking at me and I swear she's the most perfect thing I have ever seen.
I wanted to be whoever she saw me as. I didn't want to be a piece of crap sex addict or verbally abusive. I didn't want to be the man afraid to feel his feelings because he worried they might destroy him. I wanted to be the one to keep her safe and protect her from everything. But I couldn't keep the mask up (autistic masking) and when she was born I was forced to personally confront my gender dysmorphia at 28, but everything that I had thought I was and I had forced myself to be wasn't who I was anymore.
My ex-wife had been losing weight after having surgery from 2018 to 2020, and in those few short years she had become insanely vain and narcissistic, and I've already put the blame on myself for this... But the extent she went to were inhumanely sadistic.
I had finally had my breakdown/breakthrough in 2020 and I confronted my (ex) wife told her I was not happy being with her. I didn't love her. I didn't love the way she treated me. I didn't love the people she hung around. I told her I wanted us to have a divorce.
And she told me to leave and we ended up getting into a fight where her sister lied and said I was being physical. So I got arrested,
And when I had called her I found out she was having an affair and she told me I was never going to see my kids again.
I can accept her words and her actions as a consequence for my own.
She left me and when I had started to move on with someone new I had fell in love with this new woman for the first time in my life. It was honestly love at first sight, and I had given this person my all and I even told them that I was gender fluid and this was the first person I told. I even let them know before we started dating that I was looking at prison time.
We live together about 5 months before I had to do my prison sentence. When we had first started dating she had to take her baby with her everywhere, and I sincerely mean it when I say if it wasn't for her daughter temporarily filling the place in my heart where my daughter should have been, I would have CTB as I was heavily contemplating it and self-harming. Her family had ratted me out while I was on the run and they kicked down her door and dragged me out.
I found out she had begun cheating on me almost immediately. She got pregnant by another man and eventually left me while in prison. I spent time after I got out of prison trying to reconcile with her despite How deeply she hurt me because of my own insecurities and my own abandonment issues.
I have since come to terms that she's evil and that she only wanted me to be her way out of the situation she was in when we met.
When I got out of prison I was homeless and working my ass off walking to work in Winter without a coat, but I survived and I had finally got on my feet.
Near the end of 2023 I found out that my children were placed in foster care because my ex is an alcoholic and she has been accused of beating and starving my kids
And I read the reports that say my kids were the ones who said this about her.
We're now in court about to have a right severed because she has a lifetime protection order on me that she managed to manipulate the courts to get. She has actively told people that she would rather lose the kids than them go to me and made many threats against my well-being. There have been many times she's stalked me from fake accounts and told me to KMS. I feel like she became who I was,
And that there's no way to recover.
There is no way for me to fight my case in court. And yet all it would literally take her is her going to the court and saying she lied.
Believe me I've been a monster, but when it comes to the protective order she lied.
Now I know, a lot of people reading this think that my kids are better off without us.
But I'm not who I was, and I don't want my kids to grow up thinking their parents abandon them. Their mom is sick and I can't speak for who she is at the moment. But the person I remember was a mom first.. and I know that my kids love me and I was never abusive to them although I was an asshole to their mom and at times strict when I should have been more relaxed towards them.
There are days I imagine police kicking in my door and killing me.
There are days I worry about my oldest CTB cuz he doesn't know how to deal with the things he's going through. There are days I worry about my daughter being defenseless against who knows what.
Sometimes I tell myself if I was still capable of being who I once was this would have never happened. If the whole world thinks I'm a monster, then all I want is my kids to still love me and to hold them at least one last time.
But my soul is crushed. And as I've said before I'm just waiting for that knockout Bell on the 27th so I can officially give up this foolish belief in a miracle happening for me.
I must beg God for this every day,
But I know I don't deserve help.
I took some of the worst vile things I had ever heard, and I told them to the people I loved.
I watched my beautiful wife turn into a alcoholic zombie who beats our kids,
And I have watched all the power I had as a man and as someone who was fearless...
Turn into cowardness and weakness.
I am the villain who destroyed my life.
I was the one afraid to feel. I was one afraid to be hurt. I was the one who took what I hated and made it a part of me. And I was the one who had to find out last that my kids were taken. I really don't want to live in this world.
I miss my babies.
I know this was a long read. I really had to get it off my chest.
Until I was 5 years old I lived in a hospital hooked to a feeding tube, when I finally got out I lived with my mom who had several abusive boyfriends, thankfully I don't remember any of them being abusive towards me personally, but at 7 years old I watched her get all of her front teeth knocked out when her boyfriend slammed her face first into the floor. Those also there when the dentist severed all the nerve endings or whatever they do. And for a long time I've replayed this in my head. It filled me with a lot of hate growing up. My older brother lived with my dad who injured my life around when I was 8, and my dad was good to me when I was a child, but he was a total psycho. I saw him body slam my brother threw a dog house and break his arms multiple times while only calling me names, and then I've also seen him lose his job when my mom let the same ex who knocked her teeth out back into her life, he had started beating her on my 8th birthday and my brother had called my dad and he came down and beat the guy close to death. So I'm really conflicted on how I feel about my childhood.
I didn't have any friends as a kid because I was picked on for always being sick, and because I was undiagnosed as autistic. As a teenager my mom made my therapy appointments all about her so I didn't get a lot of the help that I needed.
I didn't have my first set of friends until high School and I had got married to my high school sweetheart, who I was unknowingly verbally degrading and mentally abusive too.
Looking back I own this. I cannot fix this but that is who I was then because I never dealt with my issues when I was with her.
I had also developed tourette's and OCD as a teenager well secretly suffering from gender dysmorphia.
As an adult I was a sex addict, and a violent person in which my ex surprisingly was quite thrilled by both of these things. Eventually she got weight loss surgery and developed some kind of narcissistic psychosis and became very manipulative and vindictive and cruel to total strangers and even her close friends, and I've always felt like this was my fault, but I can't even apologize without it being a felony at this point. I still pray for her even though I don't love her, because my kids need her to get off drugs right now.
My brother became an extreme cutter and when he was alive had the words "kill" grafted/indented into his leg at the age of 14.
He was incarcerated since he was 11 from everything from psych wards to prisons
At the age of 29 he was murdered by the SWAT team where he lived in 2019 on my and my ex-wife's anniversary, and I was in denial until I saw the body cam footage, and it was a wrongful death but the state had money and he had a record. So I had to deal with that on my conscience. My daughter was born in 2020 and her and my ex had covid before it was officially confirmed to be in the states, and she and my ex fortunately both survived.
I had become almost catatonically bedbound from all the stress, and my ex had begun to neglect my daughter but I managed to become her primary caregiver while I was still grieving over the loss of my brother.
I had a breakdown while taking care of her because I didn't care who I was after she was born. I had dealt with suicidal ideation all my life, but I remember looking in her eyes as she was babbling and looking at me and I swear she's the most perfect thing I have ever seen.
I wanted to be whoever she saw me as. I didn't want to be a piece of crap sex addict or verbally abusive. I didn't want to be the man afraid to feel his feelings because he worried they might destroy him. I wanted to be the one to keep her safe and protect her from everything. But I couldn't keep the mask up (autistic masking) and when she was born I was forced to personally confront my gender dysmorphia at 28, but everything that I had thought I was and I had forced myself to be wasn't who I was anymore.
My ex-wife had been losing weight after having surgery from 2018 to 2020, and in those few short years she had become insanely vain and narcissistic, and I've already put the blame on myself for this... But the extent she went to were inhumanely sadistic.
I had finally had my breakdown/breakthrough in 2020 and I confronted my (ex) wife told her I was not happy being with her. I didn't love her. I didn't love the way she treated me. I didn't love the people she hung around. I told her I wanted us to have a divorce.
And she told me to leave and we ended up getting into a fight where her sister lied and said I was being physical. So I got arrested,
And when I had called her I found out she was having an affair and she told me I was never going to see my kids again.
I can accept her words and her actions as a consequence for my own.
She left me and when I had started to move on with someone new I had fell in love with this new woman for the first time in my life. It was honestly love at first sight, and I had given this person my all and I even told them that I was gender fluid and this was the first person I told. I even let them know before we started dating that I was looking at prison time.
We live together about 5 months before I had to do my prison sentence. When we had first started dating she had to take her baby with her everywhere, and I sincerely mean it when I say if it wasn't for her daughter temporarily filling the place in my heart where my daughter should have been, I would have CTB as I was heavily contemplating it and self-harming. Her family had ratted me out while I was on the run and they kicked down her door and dragged me out.
I found out she had begun cheating on me almost immediately. She got pregnant by another man and eventually left me while in prison. I spent time after I got out of prison trying to reconcile with her despite How deeply she hurt me because of my own insecurities and my own abandonment issues.
I have since come to terms that she's evil and that she only wanted me to be her way out of the situation she was in when we met.
When I got out of prison I was homeless and working my ass off walking to work in Winter without a coat, but I survived and I had finally got on my feet.
Near the end of 2023 I found out that my children were placed in foster care because my ex is an alcoholic and she has been accused of beating and starving my kids
And I read the reports that say my kids were the ones who said this about her.
We're now in court about to have a right severed because she has a lifetime protection order on me that she managed to manipulate the courts to get. She has actively told people that she would rather lose the kids than them go to me and made many threats against my well-being. There have been many times she's stalked me from fake accounts and told me to KMS. I feel like she became who I was,
And that there's no way to recover.
There is no way for me to fight my case in court. And yet all it would literally take her is her going to the court and saying she lied.
Believe me I've been a monster, but when it comes to the protective order she lied.
Now I know, a lot of people reading this think that my kids are better off without us.
But I'm not who I was, and I don't want my kids to grow up thinking their parents abandon them. Their mom is sick and I can't speak for who she is at the moment. But the person I remember was a mom first.. and I know that my kids love me and I was never abusive to them although I was an asshole to their mom and at times strict when I should have been more relaxed towards them.
There are days I imagine police kicking in my door and killing me.
There are days I worry about my oldest CTB cuz he doesn't know how to deal with the things he's going through. There are days I worry about my daughter being defenseless against who knows what.
Sometimes I tell myself if I was still capable of being who I once was this would have never happened. If the whole world thinks I'm a monster, then all I want is my kids to still love me and to hold them at least one last time.
But my soul is crushed. And as I've said before I'm just waiting for that knockout Bell on the 27th so I can officially give up this foolish belief in a miracle happening for me.
I must beg God for this every day,
But I know I don't deserve help.
I took some of the worst vile things I had ever heard, and I told them to the people I loved.
I watched my beautiful wife turn into a alcoholic zombie who beats our kids,
And I have watched all the power I had as a man and as someone who was fearless...
Turn into cowardness and weakness.
I am the villain who destroyed my life.
I was the one afraid to feel. I was one afraid to be hurt. I was the one who took what I hated and made it a part of me. And I was the one who had to find out last that my kids were taken. I really don't want to live in this world.
I miss my babies.
I know this was a long read. I really had to get it off my chest.
