grungeCat
Awkward & weird
- Jul 5, 2020
- 1,110
Hello everyone,
Two days ago, on the night of 13-14 November I wanted to ctb via SN. I mentioned it here :
Some people wanted to know more so I decided to create a thread about my SN attempt. Maybe someone will find this information useful.
Actually I didn't plan to kill myself that night. The decision was rash and impulsive. I haven't eaten for 12 hours anyway so I thought I could use this situation out. I was crying and cutting myself all day and I was very desperate. That's why I made few crucial mistakes because of my chaotic actions. I took a few pills of diazepam and paracetamol. Half a hour later I dissolved 2 teaspoons of SN in 50 ml of water, ,then guzzled it down. Solution was very salty but the taste actually wasn't as bad as some people describe. Then I realized that I should have prepared second glass of SN if I don't take antiemetics. That was the biggest mistake. I tried to make another solution in hurry but funny things had started to happen with my body before I was done making it.
I felt very dizzy and numb and I stopped making another SN solution without reason. I lost track of time, my vision was blurred. This state felt like being moderately drunk. After a few minutes I vomitted all over the floor. I went to toilet. My heart has racing and my fingers and lips turned blue. That was a lot more horrific then I imagined. This was a moment when I panicked very badly. I wanted to abort this attempt. I drank lots of water to flush the SN out of my digestive system and then threw everything up. I think this was the most stressful situation in my life. If I could find my phone I would fetch an ambulance. I lost consciousness near the toilet. I woke up later, still blue. I don't know how long I was unconscious. My head was aching very badly. I was lying on a huge puddle made of my own vomit. I was extremely scared. I felt as my leg right started to ache and stiffen up. I couldn't walk. I glanced on a mirror and I looked like a corpse.
I crawled to kitchen and drank water again. I felt extremely tired so I felt asleep on the floor. I woke up a few hours later. It was already the next day, about 11 am. I wasn't blue anymore and my head didn't ache but my leg hurt unbearably. My father woke up (he was asleep drunk during my attempt) and asked me what happened. I didn't know what to say so I confessed I tried to hurt myself. He already knew I had mental problems. He was very worried, he cried but I convinced him that I didn't want to die. Very awkward sitution. I promised that I won't do it again and I try to seek for help.
Now I feel a lot better. My body is still sore though. My leg doesn't hurt but it's numb. Maybe when I got tachycardia a thrombus unsticked off my heart and blocked an artery in my leg. After this experience I think I will give up on killing myself for some time. Maybe I should give myself one last chance.
Two days ago, on the night of 13-14 November I wanted to ctb via SN. I mentioned it here :
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/im-dying-right-now-im-actually-dying-sn.77177/post-1386575
Some people wanted to know more so I decided to create a thread about my SN attempt. Maybe someone will find this information useful.
Actually I didn't plan to kill myself that night. The decision was rash and impulsive. I haven't eaten for 12 hours anyway so I thought I could use this situation out. I was crying and cutting myself all day and I was very desperate. That's why I made few crucial mistakes because of my chaotic actions. I took a few pills of diazepam and paracetamol. Half a hour later I dissolved 2 teaspoons of SN in 50 ml of water, ,then guzzled it down. Solution was very salty but the taste actually wasn't as bad as some people describe. Then I realized that I should have prepared second glass of SN if I don't take antiemetics. That was the biggest mistake. I tried to make another solution in hurry but funny things had started to happen with my body before I was done making it.
I felt very dizzy and numb and I stopped making another SN solution without reason. I lost track of time, my vision was blurred. This state felt like being moderately drunk. After a few minutes I vomitted all over the floor. I went to toilet. My heart has racing and my fingers and lips turned blue. That was a lot more horrific then I imagined. This was a moment when I panicked very badly. I wanted to abort this attempt. I drank lots of water to flush the SN out of my digestive system and then threw everything up. I think this was the most stressful situation in my life. If I could find my phone I would fetch an ambulance. I lost consciousness near the toilet. I woke up later, still blue. I don't know how long I was unconscious. My head was aching very badly. I was lying on a huge puddle made of my own vomit. I was extremely scared. I felt as my leg right started to ache and stiffen up. I couldn't walk. I glanced on a mirror and I looked like a corpse.
I crawled to kitchen and drank water again. I felt extremely tired so I felt asleep on the floor. I woke up a few hours later. It was already the next day, about 11 am. I wasn't blue anymore and my head didn't ache but my leg hurt unbearably. My father woke up (he was asleep drunk during my attempt) and asked me what happened. I didn't know what to say so I confessed I tried to hurt myself. He already knew I had mental problems. He was very worried, he cried but I convinced him that I didn't want to die. Very awkward sitution. I promised that I won't do it again and I try to seek for help.
Now I feel a lot better. My body is still sore though. My leg doesn't hurt but it's numb. Maybe when I got tachycardia a thrombus unsticked off my heart and blocked an artery in my leg. After this experience I think I will give up on killing myself for some time. Maybe I should give myself one last chance.
