deadtrace
Member
- Aug 7, 2023
- 77
I'll just reply to this in future for vents. I'll take up less space that way, hopefully it'll be less irritating for others.
I have a lot to say today. I've put a lot of effort into different things and it has all made everything worse. The first things is related to transitioning, and my general appearance. I've for a long time now just given up on my appearance. I don't pass as female at all, I don't look feminine at all, and I had no motivation to try. Recently I've had motivation to try again, been getting back into makeup and stuff, and it makes me feel nice. Like I'm actually trying to feel good about myself. But it all goes away when I look at myself. I feel nice trying, but I look in the mirror and it's just all horrible. Today was particularly bad, I thought I'd wear a dress, seen as I've not worn anything outwardly feminine in years and I miss it. I spent time putting on makeup and looking forward to it, then I had a moment whilst out where I walked past some glass in a train station and saw myself. Holy shit I'm fucking disgusting. Beyond not passing as female, and feeling masculine, just at a base level I look wrong. I'm just fucking ugly. Even before transitioning I've felt like this, I look at myself and it's just fucking wrong. Transitioning helped with dysphoria and everything, and I don't regret it at all, but wow no amount of clothes or makeup will change how basically ugly I am. It's like my family, and one other person who sees me regularly, see a completely different person when looking at me.
Then there's job related stuff from today. I've been struggling for over a year to get a job, and that's what most of my vents have been about. Well I got actual careers advice today from my university, cause I can still get help from them apparently. Well, their exact words on my CV are that "I am absolutely nothing special, and everything on there that I'm trying to push as good is crap" and that "I will not get any call backs for any job in the tech sector, even if I rewrite my CV," to top all that off there's "You've done absolutely nothing over the last year clearly from this CV other than waste time applying for jobs. You have no work ethic, and no recruiter will want to talk to the person behind this CV."
So basically, give up and fucking die. But yep I can't even do that. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I am mentally unable to CTB for various reasons, but holy shit do I want to... I don't even know why I'm here anymore.
I've really been trying to work on myself recently. Doing things that make me feel better about myself, applying for jobs again, getting actual fucking help with the process, but it's just all nothing, worse than nothing. I also relapsed on self harming today, for no fucking reason. It didn't help me feel in control, or feel something, and it wasn't for attention. I just fucking did it. It's been ages, why for fucking nothing. Having a breakdown on a train crying and trying to hurt myself that's where trying to get better has gotten me.
Admittedly I don't know why I've put this here. Maybe at some point I thought getting it all out would help, but it hasn't. I feel exactly the same as before. Now if I could just drop fucking dead and stop being a burden to my family that would help...
On one hand I want someone to hold me and tell me it's okay, someone I can actually be open with about everything that's happened and is happening, and just let everything out. Someone to help me actually work through everything properly and openly, but that isn't possible. I've gotten myself completely stuck I can't go to anyone because of how much I've lied and said shits okay. No matter how bad things get I still can't cope with everyone finding out that everything I've said for years is a fucking lie. On the other hand, I don't even know if that would help. Someone could tell me everything is okay, but I know it isn't being told that won't help any of the real, tangible issues I have. What the fuck am I supposed to do.
I know and accept that things are this bad because of my stubbornness, laziness, lack of motivation, delusion, stupidity, whatever you want to call it, it's my own fault it's gotten this far. Is that enough? Is that the point? Can something good happen now? I'm a fuck up and it's my own fault, I've caused it, it's all me, no one else it's me.
I have a lot to say today. I've put a lot of effort into different things and it has all made everything worse. The first things is related to transitioning, and my general appearance. I've for a long time now just given up on my appearance. I don't pass as female at all, I don't look feminine at all, and I had no motivation to try. Recently I've had motivation to try again, been getting back into makeup and stuff, and it makes me feel nice. Like I'm actually trying to feel good about myself. But it all goes away when I look at myself. I feel nice trying, but I look in the mirror and it's just all horrible. Today was particularly bad, I thought I'd wear a dress, seen as I've not worn anything outwardly feminine in years and I miss it. I spent time putting on makeup and looking forward to it, then I had a moment whilst out where I walked past some glass in a train station and saw myself. Holy shit I'm fucking disgusting. Beyond not passing as female, and feeling masculine, just at a base level I look wrong. I'm just fucking ugly. Even before transitioning I've felt like this, I look at myself and it's just fucking wrong. Transitioning helped with dysphoria and everything, and I don't regret it at all, but wow no amount of clothes or makeup will change how basically ugly I am. It's like my family, and one other person who sees me regularly, see a completely different person when looking at me.
Then there's job related stuff from today. I've been struggling for over a year to get a job, and that's what most of my vents have been about. Well I got actual careers advice today from my university, cause I can still get help from them apparently. Well, their exact words on my CV are that "I am absolutely nothing special, and everything on there that I'm trying to push as good is crap" and that "I will not get any call backs for any job in the tech sector, even if I rewrite my CV," to top all that off there's "You've done absolutely nothing over the last year clearly from this CV other than waste time applying for jobs. You have no work ethic, and no recruiter will want to talk to the person behind this CV."
So basically, give up and fucking die. But yep I can't even do that. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I am mentally unable to CTB for various reasons, but holy shit do I want to... I don't even know why I'm here anymore.
I've really been trying to work on myself recently. Doing things that make me feel better about myself, applying for jobs again, getting actual fucking help with the process, but it's just all nothing, worse than nothing. I also relapsed on self harming today, for no fucking reason. It didn't help me feel in control, or feel something, and it wasn't for attention. I just fucking did it. It's been ages, why for fucking nothing. Having a breakdown on a train crying and trying to hurt myself that's where trying to get better has gotten me.
Admittedly I don't know why I've put this here. Maybe at some point I thought getting it all out would help, but it hasn't. I feel exactly the same as before. Now if I could just drop fucking dead and stop being a burden to my family that would help...
On one hand I want someone to hold me and tell me it's okay, someone I can actually be open with about everything that's happened and is happening, and just let everything out. Someone to help me actually work through everything properly and openly, but that isn't possible. I've gotten myself completely stuck I can't go to anyone because of how much I've lied and said shits okay. No matter how bad things get I still can't cope with everyone finding out that everything I've said for years is a fucking lie. On the other hand, I don't even know if that would help. Someone could tell me everything is okay, but I know it isn't being told that won't help any of the real, tangible issues I have. What the fuck am I supposed to do.
I know and accept that things are this bad because of my stubbornness, laziness, lack of motivation, delusion, stupidity, whatever you want to call it, it's my own fault it's gotten this far. Is that enough? Is that the point? Can something good happen now? I'm a fuck up and it's my own fault, I've caused it, it's all me, no one else it's me.
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