Ber0
Quiet
- Dec 27, 2020
- 49
Just my thoughts on everything lately, bit jumbled cause I wanted to write my thoughts on current life and it took a very long time, some stuff might be out of order. Not expecting replies to so much. Even I don't know what I'd say. The first thing I've been struggling with is seeing others struggle. I took a bit of a break from SS to figure some stuff out and start my plan early. But I also left because a part of me will always wish the best for others and seeing others depressed or sad usually makes me feel the same way. Although I understand the various arguments for why life might not be worth living and the overall pointless features of it all, I do believe that life is initially inherently valuable or has the potential to be valuable because of the opportunities that an individual can have to experience the joys and happiness of life, I truly wish everyone would be able to find their happiness and peace. But I also understand that being happy and at peace is not the same for everyone. I get that some people need to be done with living itself. And there's too many reasons to list here as to why someone might want to, or no reason at all. I'll always respect someone's decision when it comes to their life choices. But there are still sometimes where I see certain posts that just kill me. I always look for something good or the positives in the dark. Perhaps something to say, maybe something to help them, even a hug emoji is better than nothing, I typically am not the person to say something just to say it, if I don't mean it, I won't say it, that's why I like the emojis sometimes because even if I can't relate to a situation or have nothing to contribute which would make it better, I can let them know someone's listening, or they aren't alone. But sometimes there's just nothing to do or say. I've seen some posts where it's just rock bottom and then some, situations I wouldn't have even though possible. They've shared their life and situation and they've covered all the bases of detail concerning their situation and I just read it and all I can do is re-read is over and over and curse and sit in silence. I know no-one expects anyone to say anything, and it's not like anyone's asking, but I wish so badly that I could say something. Anything that would help. Sometimes I just can't even relate though. To think what that person has just described, and to imagine what it must be like. And that's all I can do. I can only imagine. Nothing I could say would help. If I could take all of their pain I would, but I can't. And other times I see the goodbye posts. Awhile ago, I was online late at like 2am because I couldn't sleep and I clicked on a new post and it was a goodbye thread and it was a goodbye message stating that in 30m they would take SN, the post was marked 43m ago and I just always think to myself when I see these threads, It is a feeling of crestfallen, heart break, there is no way to accurately describe it. And yet I shouldn't be so selfish. I know I shouldn't. It's technically a positive, perhaps it would be the peace this person has been searching for. It's technically horrible and morally questionable for me to hope that they lived. And yet I do. I hope that as I scroll past the comments with different timestamps seeing the different responses from the OP until the last known message, whatever it may be. I hope that they'll come back and be safe, and we can send hug emojis and hearts and jokes and be back to talking and seeing them post. And yet it would be so fake and selfish, to want that just so I could enjoy their company. There are some truly amazing people here, who've given me insight or different perspectives on things that I'm extremely grateful for. Or just people that are enjoyable to talk to. And yet it's selfish to want them to stay just because (I) enjoy them. Sometimes I wonder if we value ourselves based on self verification or verification of other's opinions of us. And I wonder which one did we start considering to be socially acceptable as "the norm.". It's so terribly selfish and horrible to hope they come back or don't succeed. I respect their decision, it's not that I want to drag them back into this hell of living, but it just kills me to know that it's gotten this bad for the person to have come to this, I think that's the real cause of what I feel, not that I want them to live against their wishes necessarily, but just that it's gotten so unbearable, that it's come to that. The feeling is like suddenly I'm not able to have the answers to their problems, and I'm not able to try and comfort or be there or talk to the person. I know that there's nothing I can do, and it just makes me cry and the only thing I can do is hope they found their peace. I also feel terrible because maybe I'm making it worse, maybe I'm making it harder to leave, or maybe it's offensive for me to try and help them, like who tf am I to try to help someone I don't know. Maybe I should just stop talking forever, idk, and I'm not stupid, I know it comes with the territory and nature of where I am, I was trying to figure out a good way to describe it, and one post I read comes close, I think. Being here is like boarding a train, and everyone gets on and has their destination for better or worse, even me. And I should be happy when people finally reach their destination, it would be selfish of me to want them to stay on the train. And although I'm happy for them, it still hurts a little to see them go, because even if the change is small, no matter how much I knew them or if they were just a stranger, each person brings their own unique identity and color into the train, and although the disappearance might not be obvious for everyone, there is a sense of emptiness. It's not like an ocean is made of a single drop of water after all. To think that perhaps things could've turned out differently for people who never wanted to board the train, perhaps it's a last resort for some, or maybe just one thing after the other led them here, or maybe it's a welcome decision for some. And like I said, it's the part that kills me the most, to know that it's not enjoyable to them being alive, that their life isn't going to plan, that they aren't happy. Looking around the train, you probably couldn't name all the strangers you've seen leave, perhaps forgotten many of them are, and yet they leave behind the absence of themselves. Whether it was a larger interaction or small, there's just something missing, something not quite place-able in words. Everything is fine, and yet, there's something missing with such deafeningly small detail. I know I shouldn't be so selfish, and I do always respect other's decisions, but it never changes that empty feeling and sadness I get each time I see those posts. I know it's in the realm of possibility that I'll join them one day, but that brings me to my current situation that I'm dealing with.
I often wonder if my want to CTB is even valid. I think of people with chronic illnesses and conditions, mental health problems, people who hate themselves or just their living situation. Maybe they don't have water or food, maybe no home, maybe struggling to pay debts or rent. And I just wonder if I'd be doing a major disservice to those people. I know that probably many people here are understanding and would respect my decision either way, but I also get that it would technically be such a "-- you" to people who would kill to be where I am. On some level, it just feels wrong. But basically, my thoughts on my life right now is I'm just tired. I don't want to keep waking up each day to these #ty headlines and people being people. I'm sick of it. The more I grow up the more I realize how fundamentally flawed the world is already, including the people. It seems we're in a downhill cycle and we just can't help ourselves, like an addiction. Not enough people care about things that matter to make a difference until it's too late. I believe from my observations that to make actual change in any area in the world, you'd have to devote your entire life to make it possibly happen. You'd sacrifice your dreams, hopes, free time, etc. All for just a chance that it might happen in your lifetime. I'm not willing to do that because I would've needed to start much younger, and I'm also just selfish and tired. In the big scheme of things, our lives mostly have no meaning. Other than scientifically furthering our species, not many of us will make contributions to society that actually matter, perhaps the small conglomerates or people with large amounts of money. Tesla/Apple/Microsoft. You know as examples, just the big companies and people that have innovated some of the most life changing technologies and inventions. But for most of us, we # up our lives early or others due it for us due to lack of knowledge and experience, we're impressed upon by others wanting to take advantage of us, thinking they know better. Terrible things can happen which can ruin your life early, and if you make it past that, we go to school or drop out, some of us might be successful, but I feel like many people end up with jobs they don't like. Although of course many people enjoy the smaller jobs, they can find happiness in them. But for some people, it's just doing things just to grind by each day, and the days turn into months turn into years and you look back and wonder where all the time went. You ask yourself why you get up each day. And most of the time people will say it's for other people. Because they want to help their family, or don't want to hurt anyone by leaving. Or maybe they have a last dream they're still trying to achieve and just need a little longer of suffering to finally take a step, they know they can endure it because they're confident in their dream. So, what's another day to them. But I'm tired, I don't want to do anything; I don't want to be. The world will continue and that'll be that. People that try to keep others here may be the worst. Saying things like, "they'll die" if the person were to leave. "I'd never be the same". Congratulations. The fact that you have the audacity to use my own life against me as blackmail to keep me here is so disgustingly selfish. And yet It's selfish of me to leave. I think when life gets to that point, no one wins. I once had a saying that. "Once you can accept there will be loss, you can begin to make hard decisions". Maybe it applies here. Maybe people need to know when to cut their losses or stop trying to avoid feeling pain. It might hurt and there will be nothing to say. Eventually people will lose their tolerance for that blackmail and it'll be effective no longer. And so when they go, instead of trying to understand and be with them, they'll have spent the remaining time being selfish and not understanding. People will move on and the world will keep turning. I believe that it's astonishing how much people fail to see the bigger picture of life and our existence as humans. Hyper focusing on singular people. It's a cycle of wasted time if you look at it from an efficiency perspective. And yet it's not, on an individual level, because it's part of life. We were not made to be machines, we're capable of amazing things. And yet our own society prioritizes efficiency and progress over the life experience. It's like we're all taught to be machines, while wanting to be people. Humans were not meant for such a rigid cycle of existence I believe. Between constant work or forced education, even our sleep. We try to balance achieving success and progress with a constant work cycle of society, fitting in being human when we can. But if you look out of place or don't fit in for any reason, life becomes 1000x harder. Some people have lost the battle before it's even begun. And yes, everyone has a chance at happiness, but those people are already suffering from the start. Having a different look, different ideas, different worldviews or sexuality, anything different creates such a harder life straight away. Being in such a terrible place really accelerates things and makes people realize they won't have it easy. When they realize no one else but them gets treated the same way. And sometimes people realize this life isn't for them. I acknowledge how much harder it is for people who are less fortunate, and like I said previously it's why I feel bad for thinking the way I do sometimes. And I know I could try different combinations of meds and maybe talk to people, I could change things in my life, I could make new goals and dreams. I know all of the things I could do, I'm not stupid. I'm just tired and people don't understand. When you see the world for how terrible it is and how terrible people can be to each other, you'll realize what a self-destructive nature human have and exactly where we're heading.
People that have never been in this spot, people that are strictly pro-life, just can't seem to understand that I simply don't want to live anymore. Just being so exhausted and tired from it all, the constant hum of living. It's in my head, my thoughts, my body, it's always there. I never asked to be here or part of this world. And people say "Oh but you are, so make the most of it". How are you to tell me what "the most of it" looks like? I could very well have already attained such a thing and you'd never know. You say the "most of it" because there's something that you imagined I would do that I haven't. Like have kids for you or become successful so I could support you, always about some idea that you made, and because I haven't achieved your view of me, I haven't "made the most of it". Because the people saying that don't actually care or put any meaning behind it. The reason they say that is to fit their agenda of "always keep living" as a bigger picture because they don't understand how someone could not want to live. And it shows that they still don't understand. And at this point, if they still don't get it. Then there's nothing to be said. There's a high chance many will not understand, even when presented with clear evidence and a reason why, they will still even convince themselves of misunderstanding. Because to finally understand how I feel, you have to be here, and feel this. And once you do, you'll never be able to misunderstand again, and you'll see everything for how it really is without a bubble. And suddenly, life won't be so easy anymore. "Oh but my life isn't perfect, look at this event and this event, but I've endured it all with help of x, x, x, and x, and you can too!". And they still. Don't. Get it. Because although they may never get it, if they finally do, there's nothing to be said. No one will make fun of them for finally understanding, no one will laugh at them, it's just silence and echoes of thoughts that were already known to most of us. They'll be welcomed, but there will be nothing to say. It is like wearing new glasses. They'll be able to see in clarity, but only those that understand will be here for them, and suddenly people they knew, when they try to tell them, no one will understand them, they won't be able to describe it to anyone, and the cycle continues. So some people, even me now, acknowledge that life is always worth fighting for if you want to, that anything is possible if you try. But they just don't get that some of us don't want to. They turn a want into a need, put words and thoughts into my head, decide why or why not I chose to do things. They treat it like a puzzle or mystery, trying to investigate what went wrong. But to anyone that understands, nothing went wrong at the end. They see the choices and realize that by making the choice I wanted, I could do no wrong. I've been happy, I've done a lot I wanted to, I've seen enough. That was primarily my thoughts until last week. I was trying to get stuff ready, I deleted all my social media, and started crossing off my list of things to do. I should have it all finished by August. I've chosen SN and have it with me. I just want to have it on hand just in case. Everything was going well, but I'm not the person to just leave without saying something. Anything of importance or how I really feel, I write letters to people or put it in text. I just can't describe everything in words properly. But my Dad is a realist and he's the most down to earth person I've ever known in my life. So I was able to just talk normally for the most part, but I sent him how I felt about everything in a message and asked him to read it. We had a very very long talk and he said basically that although he acknowledges that it would be technically humanly selfish to want to keep me here, he would respect the choices I make in life, whatever it may be. Obviously, I'm not gonna type everything, it was like 2h, but that's basically the summary. I asked him if I should tell my mom though. She's not that open and she's very fragile. We decided against it. But a few days later I was passing by my Mom in the living room and she literally looked at me and just asked "Are you suicidal?". I knew she probably saw changes in my attitude or maybe things I don't do normally, I could just feel it. So there was no hiding it, I sat down and talked with her for a few hours. I sent her the same thing as my dad. She said that my view of life is cynical and that it's selfish of me to want to leave, she said how it would affect her and told me about how she had one of her friends CTB before in her life. We argued back and forth about who was more selfish and obviously it wasn't going anywhere, we were both pretty heated. She told me about getting help and meds and etc etc the usual stuff. But the main point is that I get that there's meds, I already see a therapist and talk to people and all that other s-t, I just don't want to keep going. It is like somebody saying, "I know for a fact there's gold at the end of this rainbow". But you've already been on the rainbow for so long, seen so much, and I'm just tired, I'm exhausted, the colors aren't amusing anymore and it's all devoid of variety, there are plenty of people who will carry on to find the gold but just without me. And she just doesn't understand that I don't want to keep going, I'm simply exhausted, I've already described how I felt above though. She threatened to admit me (she later apologized for that) and lots of stuff happened after that but in summary, I didn't want them to worry so I ended up making a promise that I would talk to them in some form before I made a serious decision. As for my therapist, I meet with him soon and I have no clue what I'm going to say, or if I should say anything. He's not just some bs "oh ok and how does that make you feel". He never pushes ideals onto me and always listens, he only gives advice when I ask or need it. He's never once tried to force my thinking in a different way, and he's been with me for a few years now, even back when I was constantly self-harming, he helped me to get out of it. And I get that on a level I'm paying for a service, but it's not just a grind for him. He genuinely loves his job and we've had some amazing conversations. He also shares a wide spectrum of humor which is great cause mine can be a little dark lol, and not everyone can share a laugh. I've cried, and laughed, and talked with him. And I honestly don't know what to say or if I should say anything at all. To think how it would affect all the people I know, him, my mom/dad. I just can't imagine doing that to them, and yet I'm planning on it. It's killing me with all these decisions.
I currently am very borderline, I have a plan for living, and a plan for leaving. They overlap in some areas but basically, I currently take classes going into Media and Journalism, I can speak English, Spanish, and still learning basic Japanese, I have a list of "to do", which are goals and things I enjoy. I mainly enjoy making videos for others, I have a decent channel on YT and I make videos for entertainment and making others laugh, it truly makes me happy. I'll be getting some hardware/software, because I plan on doing a cinematic project which I've always wanted to do for years since it's on my list. Like the whole thing, a properly published cinematic project. And I have awesome friends that are on board for it. I already have the script written and VAs worked out. I want to see my dad again (different state rn), hopefully later in Spring if things get better (Covid). And I recently got rid of my socials which has been good for my mental health, as well as I decided to live a little more without caring what people think. So, I've been trying different clothing and styles. I styled my hair somewhat long, then I shaved it completely recently, next style I want to try is a half-shave or something, the only reference off the top of my head I can think of is Judy Alverez from CP2077, like that half shave. Other things I already did are getting a small tattoo, drink alcohol for the first time, etc, etc. It's been going ok, but obviously even though I enjoy certain things and some stuff brings me joy, most of the time I'm just stuck in my thoughts at home dealing with stress and depression and the exhaustion that I described initially. I know things could get better, but I just don't know if I want to hold out for that. Nostalgia has been killing me. Listening to 2000s songs, watching all of the "old" YT videos. Anyone remember "The Castle" series or SD videos? I remember old games I would play. Runescape and Roblox were a massive part of my life growing up, and nothing feels the same, everything has changed. And ofc I moved onto games off of Steam many years ago, but you get what I mean. The typical "last login: ___ years ago". It just kills me. I miss old friends. Maybe I wonder if I should've done things differently. Lots of regret. These days I don't even know who's me or who's not. Seeing myself go from perfectly fine one day to wanting to CTB is terrible. It's like there's 2 of me and idk which one is real. One day I'm just playing games with friends and working on videos, and the next I'm here writing my thoughts about wanting to CTB while dealing with extreme depression due to my thoughts and extreme nostalgia. I got told yesterday by my mom that I have a mild version of BPD, maybe it explains some stuff. I don't want to keep taking meds or talking to anyone, but my meds apparently keep me "normal". I never cared much before but my mom has to pay for them and I didn't want to keep being such a burden, it feels sh—y to have to take meds to stay "normal" and have it be paid by my parents. And wtf does that even mean? So when I'm not on my meds I'm not me? Or is that who I'm supposed to be? Knowing that I'll mentally change if I do or don't take meds scares me, not knowing which one is actually me. I don't feel normal having to take meds, but off them, I feel worse. But is it just the effects of coming off them or is that really what I'm like? I can't even trust my own thoughts anymore. I don't know which me is what I really want. Sometimes I feel like maybe I wish I had done certain things a certain way. But I believe in the butterfly effect and I realize that I had to suffer and go through all the terrible events to learn or get to where I am rn. I've met some amazing people that I never would've had I not endured so much terrible events. The kind of friends you can't find on a day to day basis. I met these people through sheer coincidence, one of them my best friend to this day for many years now. But to think of how stacked the odds were against me meeting them. For example, had I decided that out of any of the thousands of days of my life, to have slept in maybe a few more minutes or hours, I might not have met them at all. I'll never take it for granted, and knowing that if I change any of the past, that it could affect my future of ever meeting those friends, is enough for me to be ok with where I am. And yet I still fight with which "me" exists depending on the day and I still find ways to be unhappy. I can't appreciate what I have. When I was younger I'm sure we all did the "I'm actually 5 and a half". As I grew up I was less able to stay in the moment, always looking towards the future. Now I'm older and I can't stop living in the past. I only say my next age year on my birthday. I'll say I'm 21 until the very day I turn 22 for example. I find myself clinging to each number that passes, unwilling to boast about the next like back when I was 11. When I should've focused on the future, I was living in the moment. And when I needed to be in the moment, I'm stuck in the past. I decided back in Oct. 2020 on my birthday that I would give it a year more and see what happens. So as I finish my plan, and continue to go on, I'll try my hardest and I'll do everything I can. But I'm still uncertain as to what my final decision will be. I'll probably have a more clear idea by Aug/Sept. So right now, I'm just left with my thoughts above and decisions on how to tell my parents properly, how to tell my therapist, my friends, followers. Or if I should tell anyone at all. As for the opposite plan of leaving. I've chosen SN, 99.6%, 113g (15g should be enough I believe) probably wait until late night, drive to the highway, pull off to the side in the dark, or maybe a service/military road (all of these roads are extremely untraveled at night), probably put on some music, and exit. Other than that, I'm just kind of existing at the moment, or rather co-existing with someone who I'm not even sure is actually me anymore. Or what myself ever was or was/is supposed to be.
I often wonder if my want to CTB is even valid. I think of people with chronic illnesses and conditions, mental health problems, people who hate themselves or just their living situation. Maybe they don't have water or food, maybe no home, maybe struggling to pay debts or rent. And I just wonder if I'd be doing a major disservice to those people. I know that probably many people here are understanding and would respect my decision either way, but I also get that it would technically be such a "-- you" to people who would kill to be where I am. On some level, it just feels wrong. But basically, my thoughts on my life right now is I'm just tired. I don't want to keep waking up each day to these #ty headlines and people being people. I'm sick of it. The more I grow up the more I realize how fundamentally flawed the world is already, including the people. It seems we're in a downhill cycle and we just can't help ourselves, like an addiction. Not enough people care about things that matter to make a difference until it's too late. I believe from my observations that to make actual change in any area in the world, you'd have to devote your entire life to make it possibly happen. You'd sacrifice your dreams, hopes, free time, etc. All for just a chance that it might happen in your lifetime. I'm not willing to do that because I would've needed to start much younger, and I'm also just selfish and tired. In the big scheme of things, our lives mostly have no meaning. Other than scientifically furthering our species, not many of us will make contributions to society that actually matter, perhaps the small conglomerates or people with large amounts of money. Tesla/Apple/Microsoft. You know as examples, just the big companies and people that have innovated some of the most life changing technologies and inventions. But for most of us, we # up our lives early or others due it for us due to lack of knowledge and experience, we're impressed upon by others wanting to take advantage of us, thinking they know better. Terrible things can happen which can ruin your life early, and if you make it past that, we go to school or drop out, some of us might be successful, but I feel like many people end up with jobs they don't like. Although of course many people enjoy the smaller jobs, they can find happiness in them. But for some people, it's just doing things just to grind by each day, and the days turn into months turn into years and you look back and wonder where all the time went. You ask yourself why you get up each day. And most of the time people will say it's for other people. Because they want to help their family, or don't want to hurt anyone by leaving. Or maybe they have a last dream they're still trying to achieve and just need a little longer of suffering to finally take a step, they know they can endure it because they're confident in their dream. So, what's another day to them. But I'm tired, I don't want to do anything; I don't want to be. The world will continue and that'll be that. People that try to keep others here may be the worst. Saying things like, "they'll die" if the person were to leave. "I'd never be the same". Congratulations. The fact that you have the audacity to use my own life against me as blackmail to keep me here is so disgustingly selfish. And yet It's selfish of me to leave. I think when life gets to that point, no one wins. I once had a saying that. "Once you can accept there will be loss, you can begin to make hard decisions". Maybe it applies here. Maybe people need to know when to cut their losses or stop trying to avoid feeling pain. It might hurt and there will be nothing to say. Eventually people will lose their tolerance for that blackmail and it'll be effective no longer. And so when they go, instead of trying to understand and be with them, they'll have spent the remaining time being selfish and not understanding. People will move on and the world will keep turning. I believe that it's astonishing how much people fail to see the bigger picture of life and our existence as humans. Hyper focusing on singular people. It's a cycle of wasted time if you look at it from an efficiency perspective. And yet it's not, on an individual level, because it's part of life. We were not made to be machines, we're capable of amazing things. And yet our own society prioritizes efficiency and progress over the life experience. It's like we're all taught to be machines, while wanting to be people. Humans were not meant for such a rigid cycle of existence I believe. Between constant work or forced education, even our sleep. We try to balance achieving success and progress with a constant work cycle of society, fitting in being human when we can. But if you look out of place or don't fit in for any reason, life becomes 1000x harder. Some people have lost the battle before it's even begun. And yes, everyone has a chance at happiness, but those people are already suffering from the start. Having a different look, different ideas, different worldviews or sexuality, anything different creates such a harder life straight away. Being in such a terrible place really accelerates things and makes people realize they won't have it easy. When they realize no one else but them gets treated the same way. And sometimes people realize this life isn't for them. I acknowledge how much harder it is for people who are less fortunate, and like I said previously it's why I feel bad for thinking the way I do sometimes. And I know I could try different combinations of meds and maybe talk to people, I could change things in my life, I could make new goals and dreams. I know all of the things I could do, I'm not stupid. I'm just tired and people don't understand. When you see the world for how terrible it is and how terrible people can be to each other, you'll realize what a self-destructive nature human have and exactly where we're heading.
People that have never been in this spot, people that are strictly pro-life, just can't seem to understand that I simply don't want to live anymore. Just being so exhausted and tired from it all, the constant hum of living. It's in my head, my thoughts, my body, it's always there. I never asked to be here or part of this world. And people say "Oh but you are, so make the most of it". How are you to tell me what "the most of it" looks like? I could very well have already attained such a thing and you'd never know. You say the "most of it" because there's something that you imagined I would do that I haven't. Like have kids for you or become successful so I could support you, always about some idea that you made, and because I haven't achieved your view of me, I haven't "made the most of it". Because the people saying that don't actually care or put any meaning behind it. The reason they say that is to fit their agenda of "always keep living" as a bigger picture because they don't understand how someone could not want to live. And it shows that they still don't understand. And at this point, if they still don't get it. Then there's nothing to be said. There's a high chance many will not understand, even when presented with clear evidence and a reason why, they will still even convince themselves of misunderstanding. Because to finally understand how I feel, you have to be here, and feel this. And once you do, you'll never be able to misunderstand again, and you'll see everything for how it really is without a bubble. And suddenly, life won't be so easy anymore. "Oh but my life isn't perfect, look at this event and this event, but I've endured it all with help of x, x, x, and x, and you can too!". And they still. Don't. Get it. Because although they may never get it, if they finally do, there's nothing to be said. No one will make fun of them for finally understanding, no one will laugh at them, it's just silence and echoes of thoughts that were already known to most of us. They'll be welcomed, but there will be nothing to say. It is like wearing new glasses. They'll be able to see in clarity, but only those that understand will be here for them, and suddenly people they knew, when they try to tell them, no one will understand them, they won't be able to describe it to anyone, and the cycle continues. So some people, even me now, acknowledge that life is always worth fighting for if you want to, that anything is possible if you try. But they just don't get that some of us don't want to. They turn a want into a need, put words and thoughts into my head, decide why or why not I chose to do things. They treat it like a puzzle or mystery, trying to investigate what went wrong. But to anyone that understands, nothing went wrong at the end. They see the choices and realize that by making the choice I wanted, I could do no wrong. I've been happy, I've done a lot I wanted to, I've seen enough. That was primarily my thoughts until last week. I was trying to get stuff ready, I deleted all my social media, and started crossing off my list of things to do. I should have it all finished by August. I've chosen SN and have it with me. I just want to have it on hand just in case. Everything was going well, but I'm not the person to just leave without saying something. Anything of importance or how I really feel, I write letters to people or put it in text. I just can't describe everything in words properly. But my Dad is a realist and he's the most down to earth person I've ever known in my life. So I was able to just talk normally for the most part, but I sent him how I felt about everything in a message and asked him to read it. We had a very very long talk and he said basically that although he acknowledges that it would be technically humanly selfish to want to keep me here, he would respect the choices I make in life, whatever it may be. Obviously, I'm not gonna type everything, it was like 2h, but that's basically the summary. I asked him if I should tell my mom though. She's not that open and she's very fragile. We decided against it. But a few days later I was passing by my Mom in the living room and she literally looked at me and just asked "Are you suicidal?". I knew she probably saw changes in my attitude or maybe things I don't do normally, I could just feel it. So there was no hiding it, I sat down and talked with her for a few hours. I sent her the same thing as my dad. She said that my view of life is cynical and that it's selfish of me to want to leave, she said how it would affect her and told me about how she had one of her friends CTB before in her life. We argued back and forth about who was more selfish and obviously it wasn't going anywhere, we were both pretty heated. She told me about getting help and meds and etc etc the usual stuff. But the main point is that I get that there's meds, I already see a therapist and talk to people and all that other s-t, I just don't want to keep going. It is like somebody saying, "I know for a fact there's gold at the end of this rainbow". But you've already been on the rainbow for so long, seen so much, and I'm just tired, I'm exhausted, the colors aren't amusing anymore and it's all devoid of variety, there are plenty of people who will carry on to find the gold but just without me. And she just doesn't understand that I don't want to keep going, I'm simply exhausted, I've already described how I felt above though. She threatened to admit me (she later apologized for that) and lots of stuff happened after that but in summary, I didn't want them to worry so I ended up making a promise that I would talk to them in some form before I made a serious decision. As for my therapist, I meet with him soon and I have no clue what I'm going to say, or if I should say anything. He's not just some bs "oh ok and how does that make you feel". He never pushes ideals onto me and always listens, he only gives advice when I ask or need it. He's never once tried to force my thinking in a different way, and he's been with me for a few years now, even back when I was constantly self-harming, he helped me to get out of it. And I get that on a level I'm paying for a service, but it's not just a grind for him. He genuinely loves his job and we've had some amazing conversations. He also shares a wide spectrum of humor which is great cause mine can be a little dark lol, and not everyone can share a laugh. I've cried, and laughed, and talked with him. And I honestly don't know what to say or if I should say anything at all. To think how it would affect all the people I know, him, my mom/dad. I just can't imagine doing that to them, and yet I'm planning on it. It's killing me with all these decisions.
I currently am very borderline, I have a plan for living, and a plan for leaving. They overlap in some areas but basically, I currently take classes going into Media and Journalism, I can speak English, Spanish, and still learning basic Japanese, I have a list of "to do", which are goals and things I enjoy. I mainly enjoy making videos for others, I have a decent channel on YT and I make videos for entertainment and making others laugh, it truly makes me happy. I'll be getting some hardware/software, because I plan on doing a cinematic project which I've always wanted to do for years since it's on my list. Like the whole thing, a properly published cinematic project. And I have awesome friends that are on board for it. I already have the script written and VAs worked out. I want to see my dad again (different state rn), hopefully later in Spring if things get better (Covid). And I recently got rid of my socials which has been good for my mental health, as well as I decided to live a little more without caring what people think. So, I've been trying different clothing and styles. I styled my hair somewhat long, then I shaved it completely recently, next style I want to try is a half-shave or something, the only reference off the top of my head I can think of is Judy Alverez from CP2077, like that half shave. Other things I already did are getting a small tattoo, drink alcohol for the first time, etc, etc. It's been going ok, but obviously even though I enjoy certain things and some stuff brings me joy, most of the time I'm just stuck in my thoughts at home dealing with stress and depression and the exhaustion that I described initially. I know things could get better, but I just don't know if I want to hold out for that. Nostalgia has been killing me. Listening to 2000s songs, watching all of the "old" YT videos. Anyone remember "The Castle" series or SD videos? I remember old games I would play. Runescape and Roblox were a massive part of my life growing up, and nothing feels the same, everything has changed. And ofc I moved onto games off of Steam many years ago, but you get what I mean. The typical "last login: ___ years ago". It just kills me. I miss old friends. Maybe I wonder if I should've done things differently. Lots of regret. These days I don't even know who's me or who's not. Seeing myself go from perfectly fine one day to wanting to CTB is terrible. It's like there's 2 of me and idk which one is real. One day I'm just playing games with friends and working on videos, and the next I'm here writing my thoughts about wanting to CTB while dealing with extreme depression due to my thoughts and extreme nostalgia. I got told yesterday by my mom that I have a mild version of BPD, maybe it explains some stuff. I don't want to keep taking meds or talking to anyone, but my meds apparently keep me "normal". I never cared much before but my mom has to pay for them and I didn't want to keep being such a burden, it feels sh—y to have to take meds to stay "normal" and have it be paid by my parents. And wtf does that even mean? So when I'm not on my meds I'm not me? Or is that who I'm supposed to be? Knowing that I'll mentally change if I do or don't take meds scares me, not knowing which one is actually me. I don't feel normal having to take meds, but off them, I feel worse. But is it just the effects of coming off them or is that really what I'm like? I can't even trust my own thoughts anymore. I don't know which me is what I really want. Sometimes I feel like maybe I wish I had done certain things a certain way. But I believe in the butterfly effect and I realize that I had to suffer and go through all the terrible events to learn or get to where I am rn. I've met some amazing people that I never would've had I not endured so much terrible events. The kind of friends you can't find on a day to day basis. I met these people through sheer coincidence, one of them my best friend to this day for many years now. But to think of how stacked the odds were against me meeting them. For example, had I decided that out of any of the thousands of days of my life, to have slept in maybe a few more minutes or hours, I might not have met them at all. I'll never take it for granted, and knowing that if I change any of the past, that it could affect my future of ever meeting those friends, is enough for me to be ok with where I am. And yet I still fight with which "me" exists depending on the day and I still find ways to be unhappy. I can't appreciate what I have. When I was younger I'm sure we all did the "I'm actually 5 and a half". As I grew up I was less able to stay in the moment, always looking towards the future. Now I'm older and I can't stop living in the past. I only say my next age year on my birthday. I'll say I'm 21 until the very day I turn 22 for example. I find myself clinging to each number that passes, unwilling to boast about the next like back when I was 11. When I should've focused on the future, I was living in the moment. And when I needed to be in the moment, I'm stuck in the past. I decided back in Oct. 2020 on my birthday that I would give it a year more and see what happens. So as I finish my plan, and continue to go on, I'll try my hardest and I'll do everything I can. But I'm still uncertain as to what my final decision will be. I'll probably have a more clear idea by Aug/Sept. So right now, I'm just left with my thoughts above and decisions on how to tell my parents properly, how to tell my therapist, my friends, followers. Or if I should tell anyone at all. As for the opposite plan of leaving. I've chosen SN, 99.6%, 113g (15g should be enough I believe) probably wait until late night, drive to the highway, pull off to the side in the dark, or maybe a service/military road (all of these roads are extremely untraveled at night), probably put on some music, and exit. Other than that, I'm just kind of existing at the moment, or rather co-existing with someone who I'm not even sure is actually me anymore. Or what myself ever was or was/is supposed to be.
