Silverstars
Ande’thoras-ethil 'May your troubles be diminished
- Nov 11, 2024
- 9
I started seeing a therapist. I finally got in for the surgical trauma I had in March but now the therapy has turned into more. At the same time a co-worker opened up to me about his marital problems with his wife and the therapy he just started.
The behaviors and speech he described about his wife are so eerily similar to my husband's its fascinating to share and compare. I told him his wife is by far worse compared to my husband but he said the fact I was repeatedly forced into xxx made mine worse. And he is probably right. He knew what he was getting into and chose it anyway and I was still a child and had no idea what was happening.
The day before this discussion with my coworker my therapist said I am exhibiting signs of being in an abusing relationship with a narcissist and started to teach me what thats is and what that means and we are picking apart what that has done to me.
How it has dismantled my perception of self and caused such cognitive dissonance I cant trust if my memories, my narrative, are true or false. My husband's narrative constantly changes and I have always questioned if it is his memory or mine thats wrong.
This has kept me in a survival state and part of that means I don't feel emotions or not as strongly as I should. Part of this is my primary emotion became fear, and the fear is in control of my reactions to everything in life.
And when I begin to feel safe all the emotions rush in all at once and I need a safe space, sometimes a safe person, to process them as they come. A wife should go to their husband to do this but when I do I am berated for ruining his day and making him feel bad and I fall back into a survival state. If I try to do this alone by hiding in a room to simply feel and cry to myself I am also berated. I would go to a firend but I have not been allowed to gain any.
I entered a relationship with my husband almost 14 years ago. Almost half my life has been with him. My entire adult life. We have one young child. I have always worked 6-7 days 12 hours or more a week. Cleaned the home, handled the finances, everything. While he played games or spent time with friends, mostly jobless.
Until 2 months ago he always said he loved me and now he doesn't and wants out. But he wants me to leave our house and move into an apartment on my own and give up physical custody of our child to him. He will still let me see our child a-lot but my child cant live with me.
Our child is a near carbon copy of him. For the last 3 years My child has constantly told me he doesn't love me and wants to move far away from me with daddy. Long before his father started saying it out loud to me.
His friends and family are telling him to work it out with me. "Cheeper to keep her." Was one of the phrases his friends used. Others quoted the bible to him (he says he is religious but never acted it out.) So he is still here silently "trying". He has broadcasted, through memes on SM platforms, our marital problems to the community.
Everyone (my parents, coworkers, random people I see on the street that know me but i have no idea who they are) are telling me to break away from him. That I will be happier and my child will grow up to see his abuse for what it is. One happy parent is better than 2 unhappy parents.
He tried recording me when he started 2 discussions a few weeks ago. One where we talked about my depression (which I have always been open about with everyone I meet) where he tried to insist I was mentally unstable and should leave for a month or so to fix myself. I told him my reaction to being told I am no longer loved by my husband, along with everything else this year, is perfectly normal and he couldn't argue with that.
The other discussion he said I hit our child on the cheek and he is afraid of what I will do when left alone with my child, he has seen how I yell at our child when I get frustrated. I choked down a laugh at being told I yell when he does it so much more and spanks very hard. I defended myself and countered with his recent choice of trying to secretly bring mothers of our child's friends into our home for playdates and the mothers brought their adult sons along, to prevent misunderstanding that it was more than a playdate. I recorded this discussion and played it for an advisor, she said he cant use this against me but we can save it if needed as defense against his antics, should he actually file. Since then my child has also been telling me I hit him on the cheek but he doesn't remember when. I recorded this too and filled it with my advisor.
The more I have learned about Narcissists the more I see and understand his behavior and my present mind set, and the more concerned I become about being a shield for my child.
But I also just want to give up.
Most days I just want to fall into the background and give up on life. Other days just life with him and take my child far far away and disappear. Some days I want to give up on both and go far far away and disappear alone.
I like what I was told by a stranger. We were made to sit in the woods in our underwear and eat honey. Nothing more complicated than foraging for food and tinder.
I just want to feel safe for once.
The behaviors and speech he described about his wife are so eerily similar to my husband's its fascinating to share and compare. I told him his wife is by far worse compared to my husband but he said the fact I was repeatedly forced into xxx made mine worse. And he is probably right. He knew what he was getting into and chose it anyway and I was still a child and had no idea what was happening.
The day before this discussion with my coworker my therapist said I am exhibiting signs of being in an abusing relationship with a narcissist and started to teach me what thats is and what that means and we are picking apart what that has done to me.
How it has dismantled my perception of self and caused such cognitive dissonance I cant trust if my memories, my narrative, are true or false. My husband's narrative constantly changes and I have always questioned if it is his memory or mine thats wrong.
This has kept me in a survival state and part of that means I don't feel emotions or not as strongly as I should. Part of this is my primary emotion became fear, and the fear is in control of my reactions to everything in life.
And when I begin to feel safe all the emotions rush in all at once and I need a safe space, sometimes a safe person, to process them as they come. A wife should go to their husband to do this but when I do I am berated for ruining his day and making him feel bad and I fall back into a survival state. If I try to do this alone by hiding in a room to simply feel and cry to myself I am also berated. I would go to a firend but I have not been allowed to gain any.
I entered a relationship with my husband almost 14 years ago. Almost half my life has been with him. My entire adult life. We have one young child. I have always worked 6-7 days 12 hours or more a week. Cleaned the home, handled the finances, everything. While he played games or spent time with friends, mostly jobless.
Until 2 months ago he always said he loved me and now he doesn't and wants out. But he wants me to leave our house and move into an apartment on my own and give up physical custody of our child to him. He will still let me see our child a-lot but my child cant live with me.
Our child is a near carbon copy of him. For the last 3 years My child has constantly told me he doesn't love me and wants to move far away from me with daddy. Long before his father started saying it out loud to me.
His friends and family are telling him to work it out with me. "Cheeper to keep her." Was one of the phrases his friends used. Others quoted the bible to him (he says he is religious but never acted it out.) So he is still here silently "trying". He has broadcasted, through memes on SM platforms, our marital problems to the community.
Everyone (my parents, coworkers, random people I see on the street that know me but i have no idea who they are) are telling me to break away from him. That I will be happier and my child will grow up to see his abuse for what it is. One happy parent is better than 2 unhappy parents.
He tried recording me when he started 2 discussions a few weeks ago. One where we talked about my depression (which I have always been open about with everyone I meet) where he tried to insist I was mentally unstable and should leave for a month or so to fix myself. I told him my reaction to being told I am no longer loved by my husband, along with everything else this year, is perfectly normal and he couldn't argue with that.
The other discussion he said I hit our child on the cheek and he is afraid of what I will do when left alone with my child, he has seen how I yell at our child when I get frustrated. I choked down a laugh at being told I yell when he does it so much more and spanks very hard. I defended myself and countered with his recent choice of trying to secretly bring mothers of our child's friends into our home for playdates and the mothers brought their adult sons along, to prevent misunderstanding that it was more than a playdate. I recorded this discussion and played it for an advisor, she said he cant use this against me but we can save it if needed as defense against his antics, should he actually file. Since then my child has also been telling me I hit him on the cheek but he doesn't remember when. I recorded this too and filled it with my advisor.
The more I have learned about Narcissists the more I see and understand his behavior and my present mind set, and the more concerned I become about being a shield for my child.
But I also just want to give up.
Most days I just want to fall into the background and give up on life. Other days just life with him and take my child far far away and disappear. Some days I want to give up on both and go far far away and disappear alone.
I like what I was told by a stranger. We were made to sit in the woods in our underwear and eat honey. Nothing more complicated than foraging for food and tinder.
I just want to feel safe for once.
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