Venting need to figure out how to live

[kaleido777]

recent events are really depressing me and ive got that baseline ideation running in the back of my head, but its not registering as a thing im actually going to do anymore. im starting to accept that im a cockroach and there arent any bombs you can drop on me that will kill me. i have no clue how to actually improve my life and feel alive, though.

i was in therapy for 8 years on and off (mostly on) and sometimes it felt like it really helped me, but my last therapist told me to stop going even though i told him stopping made me want to ctb even more and that just completely ruined me. i have a few friends irl but i know for a fact that theyre too caught up in their own lives to ever actually be there for me. my family doesnt care about me. i need to get out of this hole and figure out how to stay out without a decent support system.

my problems: unmedicated dysthymia, anxiety, adhd, and ptsd. i very heavily suspect autism and bpd as well, but ive never tried to get diagnosed because i know its harder to find actual help for managing those. ive never had a job even though i should be employed at my age, i dont have a drivers license or medical insurance, and im transgender in a state that has a lot of anti trans legislation. i stay in my room all the time because i live with someone who makes the rest of the house feel hostile. i dissociate constantly and all i do is find distractions to try not to think about ctb. i just dont feel strong enough to do anything on my own, but i have no choice because no one else is really in my corner.

my goals: get mens clothes that fit me, get a job, dont get fired, get my drivers license + hopefully medical insurance, move out of this godforsaken house so i can feel safe + think a little clearer, and save up to move to a trans friendly state + medically transition.

i just dont know how to go from "totally isolated and mentally broken hermit" to "functioning member of society that is okay with being alive"

 

[Hvergelmir]

You seem to have a good, clear and achievable goals.
I'd start by applying for jobs where you want to move. With a job secured, I'd then use whatever savings, help and loans I could scrape together to make it happen.
I think it's wise to mention that you're trans while applying for jobs, to avoid surprises leading to awkward situations. I would however keep it very brief. It shouldn't be an important factor for most jobs.

It'll no doubt be hard mentally, considering the overall situation, but I think your goals are worth the effort.
I'd try to stay hopeful, or just emotionally detached, putting my faith in the strategy.

With financial security, safety, and independence, you'll be in a much better position to deal with the remaining problems.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Sorry to hear about the therapist. So you have no contact with some form of mental health expert or coach at this moment? Is there a way you can see someone else now, since you thought it helped you before? Maybe online if you can't IRL?

I can share my own experience and hope it will be somewhat relevant. As someone who's also had and has problems with employment, socializing, etc; I believe I managed to recover (get to okay with being alive, at least, not sure about 100% "functional" yet) without really changing the life situation that much. An (imo poorly executed, even) daily meditation practice started giving results after 1-2 months (there can of course also be more instant effects, too, like relaxation/decreased stress in the moment), and my motivation to act I started placing on helping others instead of achieving things like romance or wealth for myself (that sort of motivation seems to be too weak for me to get anywhere). The meditation I believe made it easier to do things I didn't feel like doing and to deal with various setbacks (including emotional distress and even small amounts of physical pain) and also to want less, things like romance and material possessions. In your case, maybe you can find a meditation teacher IRL, or online via something like the Brightmind meditation app? I haven't tried the app yet, but it includes 1-on-1 coaching among much else. Do you have any experience with meditation from before? I could send some links to guided meditations if you want.

 

[kaleido777]

I'd start by applying for jobs where you want to move. With a job secured, I'd then use whatever savings, help and loans I could scrape together to make it happen.
I think it's wise to mention that you're trans while applying for jobs, to avoid surprises leading to awkward situations. I would however keep it very brief. It shouldn't be an important factor for most jobs.

With financial security, safety, and independence, you'll be in a much better position to deal with the remaining problems.

the problem with this is my savings came from a life insurance payout, but my dad is controlling all of it because he was the beneficiary and there was no legal will. he wouldnt let me have it to move out of state unless i prove i can live on my own here first, and no one else i know will be willing to help me move out of state at the moment. even if i dont factor that in, i refuse to take out a loan because i hate the idea of being in debt. if things dont work out well enough for me to pay it back then im really screwed. that means i have to get a job here first to save up.
i know i probably need to disclose that im trans to any potential employers for payment/tax reasons, but im going to have trouble with it for sure. i need to figure out how to bring it up tactfully and not seem like im trying to be some special snowflake or something.

Sorry to hear about the therapist. So you have no contact with some form of mental health expert or coach at this moment? Is there a way you can see someone else now, since you thought it helped you before? Maybe online if you can't IRL?

The meditation I believe made it easier to do things I didn't feel like doing and to deal with various setbacks (including emotional distress and even small amounts of physical pain) and also to want less, things like romance and material possessions. In your case, maybe you can find a meditation teacher IRL, or online via something like the Brightmind meditation app? I haven't tried the app yet, but it includes 1-on-1 coaching among much else. Do you have any experience with meditation from before? I could send some links to guided meditations if you want.

no, im not talking to any kind of professional right now. ive been looking up low cost/sliding scale options but im not seeing any in my area or online that i can afford or arent sketchy. to be honest, if i have to choose between one or the other then i feel less like i need therapy/coaching and more like i need to find a way to get back on my psych meds, which is hard because i have to be able to afford appointments to get them prescribed regularly and then the meds themselves. and yes, i tried meditation multiple times but i found it didnt really help me except for in a few specific situations, just felt like i was putting a crappy bandaid on. im really glad it works for you though!

i appreciate your kind replies :]

 

[Hvergelmir]

he wouldnt let me have it to move out of state

I suspect that might change if you have a job offer. I of course don't know how he's reasoning, but it sounds like there might be room for negotiation.
Relocating for a job, tend to be seen as a very responsible and important move.

i refuse to take out a loan because i hate the idea of being in debt

Loans ought to be taken with care, and preferably short term. Correctly invested they can pay off, though.
Securing a recurring income - a job could be one such an investment. Keep it in the back of your mind, as a potential tool among others.

Taking up any job you can, in the vicinity, is of course also a good alternative, when available.

i need to figure out how to bring it up tactfully and not seem like im trying to be some special snowflake or something.

I'd probably tie into how you get along with and judge other people.
"I work well with all kinds of people. Being trans myself, I've learnt to appreciate different backgrounds and varying perspectives."

Something along those lines. I'd also see what buzz words the company use to communicate tolerance for minorities, if any.

Sounds like you're in a rough spot, but you seem to be on top of it. I hope you'll do well.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

no, im not talking to any kind of professional right now. ive been looking up low cost/sliding scale options but im not seeing any in my area or online that i can afford or arent sketchy. to be honest, if i have to choose between one or the other then i feel less like i need therapy/coaching and more like i need to find a way to get back on my psych meds, which is hard because i have to be able to afford appointments to get them prescribed regularly and then the meds themselves.

Wish I could come up with something more helpful to say, I hope you can find a path forward.

i tried meditation multiple times but i found it didnt really help me except for in a few specific situations, just felt like i was putting a crappy bandaid on. im really glad it works for you though!

Not super noticeable effects until after maybe 2 months of more or less daily practice for me (this year, at least, started around NYE last year).