Venting Need to get out

[Anarchy]

I live with my family and if they see me sneak out of the house at night, they will have me sectioned indefinitely. Been sectioned once before and I'd rather die ten times over than be imprisoned again.
I've not attempted before so I'm really scared because I don't know what to expect, and also I'm terrified of being caught.
I plan on taking a knife with me in case someone does find me, and then I might be able to kill myself with it or if not, at least show it and hope the other person backs off. I don't know. I just fear getting to the tracks and being too scared to go through. I wouldn't be able to get back in the house as I'll be climbing out the window as it makes less noise. So then I'd no doubt be imprisoned.
I can imagine myself getting dressed in the early morning ready to escape, and walking downstairs; I can even imagine myself picking up the knife, but not putting it into a backpack, climbing out the window, and walking to the tracks. And then the actual task itself.
I hope that I can force myself out of the house and be so consumed by fear and anxiety of possibly being heard, that I feel that I have no option but to run away from the house.
And then, when I get to the tracks, hopefully I will be so scared that someone has been following me or has seen me, that I will go ahead with it.

Arrggh. I hate this. I really can't imagine going through with it.
I'd prefer bleeding out to being hit by a train as I want to fully experience the dying process and have time to think whilst dying, but I doubt that I'd be able to stab myself. It hurts too much and the knives don't seem sharp enough.

I was thinking of taking painkillers so that I might use the knife on myself, but I fear that getting them would cause too much noise and that I'd be too shocked and scared to be able to take them.

I've always dreamt of running away, but I find it hard to imagine an outcome that does not involve my being hospitalised.

What if I get to the tracks but am too anxious to do anything and have no option but to stand there until someone locks me up?

My parents don't check on me in the night, barring one time several days ago when my mum came down at around 3am to tell me to go to bed - she'd seen the light on.

Last night I walked downstairs in the early morning and they didn't come down. Logically, I'm fairly sure that I could sneak out and not be caught.

But then I'd probably be paralysed with fear. Even if I get to the tracks, I'm not sure how I'd be able to go through with it. It seems really overwhelming.

If I get caught, it'll be back in hospital, to the insolent doctors who will just think to themselves that it's my fault that I got myself in there again, by attempting, as if I asked to be there. And then they'll patronise me again, going on about how I can't be trusted and that I'm making things worse for myself, and they'll be glad that I attempted because it'd them an excuse to imprison me - they didn't want to release me last time. And they'll get off from feeling all high and mighty, like they are morally perfect beings for 'saving' the 'vulnerable, not-to-be-taken-seriously' patient from themself.

My parents would be in shock and be distressed which I would find extremely uncomfortable as I don't like or respect them. Then they'd get angry and impatient and tell me off and just generally make me feel like an incompetent being who needs to think more about the consequences of their actions, and they'll try to get me to feel bad for trying to end things. They'd barely leave me alone afterwards and want to monitor me a lot and make me feel trapped, and they'd make out that I brought it on myself by attempting.
They'd be angry with me for not getting myself better and for not living up to their expectations.
My mum might try to hug me a lot and my parents would probably be angry if I were to push her away, saying that I isolate myself and that I shouldn't push people away.
Thr psych ward was absolute hell; these are the parents who threatened to have me sectioned there indefinitely for having an argument with them - I wouldn't be able to cope with being around them afterwards.

I'd be sectioned, the half-year section, but they'd keep on renewing it, stating that they can't trust me because I keep getting worse and because I faked that I was okay just to leave.
I'd be made to feel more incompetent and dislikeable than I ever have in my life.
I probably wouldn't have another chance at death for years. First section is half a year but renewals are a year...

It's hard enough without it being punishible by imprisonment. Call it legal, but it's treated almost exactly the same as a crime.
I don't want for a painless method; I just want to die on my own in relative peace, without the fear of being punished.
I'm not really scared of dying, just the risk of being locked up and humiliated.

 

[Threads]

Listen to me, I'm an expert.

Alright. First of all. Drop the knife. Get some pepper spray. If the police catch you with a knife, they'll hold you in county jail. You think psych wards are bad? County is fucked. If the knife is super important to your method, just carry a couple razors.

Second. Your parent's are going to do everything in there power to keep you alive. So instead of sneaking off, attempt to develop a relationship of trust with them. Be real with them. If your parents truly give a shit, they will respect that. Gain their trust and you'll have more freedoms.

Third. Do you even have a train schedule? Do you even know when the train is coming? Don't count on yourself to cut your wrists, because I can almost guarantee you, survival instinct won't allow that to happen. I can read it in your post. You have a lot of anxiety and confusion about the whole thing. You need a solid method that has a fail safe. I don't think you're there yet bro, I think you need to go back to basics on this one.

 

[Anarchy]

Hey, thanks for the reply.
So, I don't have access to pepper spray or razors. Can't go shopping on my own due to extreme anxiety and it would be too suspicious anyway.
I live in the suburbs so there shouldn't really be anyone around, especially in early morning. They shouldn't be able to see me at the tracks, let alone the knife. The tracks run through a field so it's not a busy area at all.
My parents see things as they see them and cannot be made to see from another perspective. They always believe that they're right.
They're not very respectful towards me in general so I hold no hope for talking things through with them. They would quickly have me sectioned if I raised any suspicion.
I don't have a train schedule but the trains come faurly regularly and it's only a ten or so minute walk from my house.
I was thinking of cutting my neck and as many places as I can that might cause major blood loss, to get me to jump.