Discussion Neurodivergence yields misery, the question is distribution

[derpyderpins]

My parents visited for thanksgiving, so of course after spending time with my mom I'm very depressed.

If you don't know, I've never told my parents about any mental health problems I have. They know my IQ would normally be linked with some type of neurodivergence but assume that I'm fine because I'm independent.

So, in between my mom asking directed rhetorical questions about how my cousin can be so much more successful than I am while raising three kids and making disapproving comments about my nieces and nephews having autism and mental health problems, she asks me "how were you always such an easy boy to raise? Were we just great parents?"

The actual answer is that I've always absorbed all the misery for my neurodivergence. Because if I shared my struggles, she would have reflected them back ten-fold.

Which, I guess, gets me to my point. Being and thinking different in a way that isn't compatible with the typical functions of society is going to produce misery. The only question is 'who will have to absorb it?' when I was a kid I just had to fake a smile and come up with innocent topics until I could get up to my room and say I was studying, or I had a sports practice/game or something, and then I could drop the facade and be nice and miserable in private.

Well, now I'm married. I'm out of energy to fake smiles all day. I have to do it at work so I'm not seen as weird or troublesome. So that leaves home, where my loving wife naturally hurts when she knows I'm hurting. How much of the misery I produce by being messed up can I realistically ask her to absorb? I may not have any control, because at some point I will hit my masking limit... And then what?

 

[AnxiousLlama]

Neurodivergence is a disease, a defect. Today I realised that any "positives" about it is just cope. Sure, rarely it is advantageous, but most of the time it's social death and perpetual misery, often combined with comorbidities like anxiety disorders, misophonia, major depression and sensory problems.

 

[skyflame]

sorry to read about your struggles. im autistic and I've reached my masking limit- I can't do it any more.

I hope you can share with your partner and someone in your family, or try to communicate your needs even if it's starting off small. And maybe you could try to reinforce boundaries as well so you don't get emotionally trampled.

(I don't think this message makes any sense lol but I feel ya and I wish I could help more)

 

[-Link-]

Most people need to feel understood, feel supported, and feel (unconditionally) loved.

We also need to be able to release negative energy without compromising the relationships that fulfill the above-mentioned needs.

To start, I'd look at which of these needs are being met, how they're being met, how efficiently they're being met, and where there are deficits or voids that could be filled.

So that leaves home, where my loving wife naturally hurts when she knows I'm hurting. How much of the misery I produce by being messed up can I realistically ask her to absorb? I may not have any control, because at some point I will hit my masking limit... And then what?

You are a rock for your wife. You are a rock for your mother. You are a rock for your extended family. You are a rock for your clients. You are a rock for your employer. You are a rock for other members on this forum. But you are not actually a rock. You are a human being with emotional needs just like the rest of us, and what you've shared here -- having to keep a mask on in so many aspects of your life -- indicates an imbalance as far as you meeting the needs of other people, versus how much your own needs are being met.

When the mask is off, needs can be met on a give-and-take basis. When the mask is on, you're really only meeting the needs of others. If you spend so much time wearing the mask, maybe this is triggering a compensation when the mask comes off, where your own needs become too much for you to be able to meet the needs of others.

If your wife is on the wrong (right?) side of this imbalance, and if you're wanting to limit the amount of misery she absorbs while simultaneously maintaining your sanity, what can be done about this?

The standard go-to answer would be, "Find ways to reduce neurodivergence, and its ensuing misery would become less of a problem" (read: intensive mental health treatment). This is valid in many cases (ideally with an elaboration), but this is more of a long game, and it sounds like you could use a more immediate form of relief.

So, I would try to address this by taking off the mask in other situations, or by creating new situations in which you can keep the mask off.

One approach here would be to look at shortfalls within existing relationships. For example, what could you do (if anything) that may help your mother make you feel better understood by her and thus less-inclined to mask in her presence.

I'd also look at outlets. Who or what else can absorb some of that negative energy. You've mentioned elsewhere about seeing a therapist who hopefully would have some ideas as to where or how you can find some release. (The therapist, themselves, would be an outlet, but obviously they're not quite enough.)

A peer support group could be helpful for this. Any support group about any topic that applies to you. I've done so many of these, and personally, the understanding and support I felt in these groups is/was largely unmatched.

And although I recall you've expressed a hesitancy in this, I'd consider letting loose on the forum here. Not necessarily going all-out, but at least allowing yourself to vent a little more here.

There is also the physical approach. A physical outlet can only do so much for a deficit in emotional needs and thus may only amount to a stopgap in some cases. But anything like martial arts, boxing, or any other sport or activity that doubles as a release for negative energy would be something to look at.

None of this would be curative by any means, but if you can find other ways to release some of that negative energy (and even pick up positive energy in the process, eg. feelings of being understood and supported), then maybe that would help lessen the significance of that imbalance in whose needs are being met and, in turn, alleviate some of your concern about how much negative energy your wife is taking on.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

There is a reason why law isn't one of the stereotypical professions for autistic people....

Marriage definitely complicates things for you. You're torn between the desire and need to be your authentic self and to spare your wife distress. I would say overall it's better for your relationship for you to be as you are. There is a balance between your obligations to her in terms of what you lay on her and her obligation to you in terms of what she takes on herself. To be sure this is a monogamous matrimonial relationship unlike any other you have so emotionally baring yourself is going to have to happen. But I guess you're still in the process of striking that aforementioned balance. And it's important she not internalize your struggles as somehow reflecting some deficit or deficiency that she has as a partner. Maybe a joint therapy session would be useful if you're already doing counseling.

I don't know. I don't know if any of this is helpful.

 

[derpyderpins]

Most people need to feel understood, feel supported, and feel (unconditionally) loved.

We also need to be able to release negative energy without compromising the relationships that fulfill the above-mentioned needs.

To start, I'd look at which of these needs are being met, how they're being met, how efficiently they're being met, and where there are deficits or voids that could be filled.


You are a rock for your wife. You are a rock for your mother. You are a rock for your extended family. You are a rock for your clients. You are a rock for your employer. You are a rock for other members on this forum.

But you are not actually a rock.

What I was thinking reading the above. A rock is way more stable. I'm more of a clump of dirt. Natural wind and rain wear me down.

You are a human being with emotional needs just like the rest of us, and what you've shared here -- having to keep a mask on in so many aspects of your life -- indicates an imbalance as far as you meeting the needs of other people, versus how much your own needs are being met.

When the mask is off, needs can be met on a give-and-take basis. When the mask is on, you're really only meeting the needs of others. If you spend so much time wearing the mask, maybe this is triggering a compensation when the mask comes off, where your own needs become too much for you to be able to meet the needs of others.

If your wife is on the wrong (right?) side of this imbalance, and if you're wanting to limit the amount of misery she absorbs while simultaneously maintaining your sanity, what can be done about this?

The standard go-to answer would be, "Find ways to reduce neurodivergence, and its ensuing misery would become less of a problem" (read: intensive mental health treatment). This is valid in many cases (ideally with an elaboration), but this is more of a long game, and it sounds like you could use a more immediate form of relief.

So, I would try to address this by taking off the mask in other situations, or by creating new situations in which you can keep the mask off.

One approach here would be to look at shortfalls within existing relationships. For example, what could you do (if anything) that may help your mother make you feel better understood by her and thus less-inclined to mask in her presence.

Nah, mom is off the table.

If she gets the slightest hint that I'm unhappy she incessantly checks on me. If I opened up at all, it would be nonstop worrying and checking in and "I just don't understand", "did we not do enough?", "is this something [wife] did?", "Please always text me [at X time], you know so-and-so's son committed suicide and [sobs] I just can't think about that because all that matters is you being happy!"

I want to blow my brains out just thinking about it. I'd be getting articles about depression all the time and she would constantly be telling me what I have to do to fix everything. "My friend X was depressed, and she said yoga fixed it for her, you should sign up for a class!" "Did you sign up for a yoga class?" "Here, I text you a few links to yoga classes." Somehow, though, it would all be about her and how sad it makes her.

I'd also look at outlets. Who or what else can absorb some of that negative energy. You've mentioned elsewhere about seeing a therapist who hopefully would have some ideas as to where or how you can find some release. (The therapist, themselves, would be an outlet, but obviously they're not quite enough.)

I really want time to work on some of the songs I've been producing. I'm just always so drained. I really should be having more regular hour-long therapy but I have no idea how I would fit that in my schedule.

A peer support group could be helpful for this. Any support group about any topic that applies to you. I've done so many of these, and personally, the understanding and support I felt in these groups is/was largely unmatched.

Never tried this. My instinct is to be embarrassed and not even try it but if helped you that much that carries weight to me. I'll try to consider it.

And although I recall you've expressed a hesitancy in this, I'd consider letting loose on the forum here. Not necessarily going all-out, but at least allowing yourself to vent a little more here.

I think I have been a little more open on my profile posts and in some DMs, but you're right I'm still probably holding back trying to be Recovery Man.

There is also the physical approach. A physical outlet can only do so much for a deficit in emotional needs and thus may only amount to a stopgap in some cases. But anything like martial arts, boxing, or any other sport or activity that doubles as a release for negative energy would be something to look at.

I definitely need to exercise more. I mean, I do enough strength stuff so I can look good and carry things, but I need to stretch my legs more. I miss having a standing desk.

My wife got us a treadmill recently and I was determined to walk a little every morning. Haven't been good at that pledge but did use it a lot this past weekend.

None of this would be curative by any means, but if you can find other ways to release some of that negative energy (and even pick up positive energy in the process, eg. feelings of being understood and supported), then maybe that would help lessen the significance of that imbalance in whose needs are being met and, in turn, alleviate some of your concern about how much negative energy your wife is taking on.

I always appreciate your insights, Link. You balance the practical without over-promising. Also your face is on my morning coffee mug which is comforting.

There is a reason why law isn't one of the stereotypical professions for autistic people....

Marriage definitely complicates things for you. You're torn between the desire and need to be your authentic self and to spare your wife distress. I would say overall it's better for your relationship for you to be as you are. There is a balance between your obligations to her in terms of what you lay on her and her obligation to you in terms of what she takes on herself. To be sure this is a monogamous matrimonial relationship unlike any other you have so emotionally baring yourself is going to have to happen. But I guess you're still in the process of striking that aforementioned balance. And it's important she not internalize your struggles as somehow reflecting some deficit or deficiency that she has as a partner. Maybe a joint therapy session would be useful if you're already doing counseling.

I think she'd do joint therapy with me. There hasn't been a single crack in her defense. She is wonderful and always supportive, although I do worry about her internalizing it, like you said. I couldn't possibly ask for any more from her. She goes above and beyond what a partner is expected to do.

My big concern is just what will happen over years if I continue to struggle in a similar way. I've also calmed a bit since posting the original although I'm still feeling very down.

I don't know. I don't know if any of this is helpful.

It's very helpful knowing that you care and want to help, friend. Seriously. The people who have been good to me on here always help me feel heard.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What I was thinking reading the above. A rock is way more stable. I'm more of a clump of dirt. Natural wind and rain wear me down.

The kind of dirt people discovered gold in.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

you were my first real friend here. I know well who and what you are to the people in your life, with help from these words you wrote along with our talks.

but masking does truly have a limit and I recognize that. I see you and I feel you and I hear you others upthread have made some stellar recs, I hope you can implement what you can.

always here if you wanna talk. I want to say something akin to that i'm sorry all this brought you to this point, but I have faith in you and hope it can improve. sending hugs.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

My big concern is just what will happen over years if I continue to struggle in a similar way. I've also calmed a bit since posting the original although I'm still feeling very down.

It's not sustainable but I don't really know any feasible solutions. That doesn't mean it's hopeless, just talking about novel ideas on my part. And that are feasible because, hey, quitting law seems like a good idea (in that sense only)! I would suggest continuing to try to work on your self-image because that probably makes a big difference.

 

[MentalFuneral]

Neurodivergence is a disease, a defect. Today I realised that any "positives" about it is just cope. Sure, rarely it is advantageous, but most of the time it's social death and perpetual misery, often combined with comorbidities like anxiety disorders, misophonia, major depression and sensory problems.

I refuse to see it this way. Neurodivergent people are not the defective and diseased ones. This world and our societies are beyond diseased and defective, I think neurodivergent people are able to see this because we've never fit in to begin with, and it leads to profound misery. Either way misery and pain seems to be the baseline for most neurodivergent people Ive met

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

Your post was very relatable, although your particulars are unique. Masking is exhausting. It's particularly hard for us who are high masking, as people don't understand why you're suddenly different. I sense in you that you're very caring and considerate of those close to you. That's a great quality, although it can be taxing. It's easy to feel that it's an all or nothing game, like you have to mask to hold the social interactions together. I have faith that in due course you'll find ways to unmask and recharge when you need.

Regarding support groups, I have found this group helpful at times: https://autisticsupportnetwork.com/

 

[derpyderpins]

you were my first real friend here. I know well who and what you are to the people in your life, with help from these words you wrote along with our talks.

but masking does truly have a limit and I recognize that. I see you and I feel you and I hear you others upthread have made some stellar recs, I hope you can implement what you can.

always here if you wanna talk. I want to say something akin to that i'm sorry all this brought you to this point, but I have faith in you and hope it can improve. sending hugs.

I appreciate the hell out of you. It warms my heart that you consider me a friend.

I'll keep pushing. And you know the offer to talk is always open both ways.

It's not sustainable but I don't really know any feasible solutions. That doesn't mean it's hopeless, just talking about novel ideas on my part. And that are feasible because, hey, quitting law seems like a good idea (in that sense only)! I would suggest continuing to try to work on your self-image because that probably makes a big difference.

That's sound. Makes sense, since you know me pretty well at this point. Many roads lead back to bad self-image, regardless of my specific issue of the day. By bad self-image, I mean inaccurate. I have to reconcile my positives and negatives in a reasonable way.

I refuse to see it this way. Neurodivergent people are not the defective and diseased ones. This world and our societies are beyond diseased and defective, I think neurodivergent people are able to see this because we've never fit in to begin with, and it leads to profound misery. Either way misery and pain seems to be the baseline for most neurodivergent people Ive met

I don't think anyone is defective or diseased due to their neurotype, but your comment has a lot of truth to it otherwise. The world is - understandably - built for the neurotypical. If you fit the paradigm, you don't have as much reason to look at and question it. Neurodivergent people may already be predisposed to analyze things in more detail, and as the "outsiders" are going to question basic foundations more than anyone else.

Your post was very relatable, although your particulars are unique. Masking is exhausting. It's particularly hard for us who are high masking, as people don't understand why you're suddenly different. I sense in you that you're very caring and considerate of those close to you. That's a great quality, although it can be taxing. It's easy to feel that it's an all or nothing game, like you have to mask to hold the social interactions together. I have faith that in due course you'll find ways to unmask and recharge when you need.

Regarding support groups, I have found this group helpful at times: https://autisticsupportnetwork.com/

Thank you. You always have great resources. That link got me looking into PDA. The description fit a lot of my symptoms, including periods of success and the constant fight/flight.

Autism PDA Explained

In this post, we'll explore what PDA is, and its core characteristics. So whether you're a caregiver, parent, or just someone interested in learning more about autism PDA, this infographic is for you.

neurodivergentinsights.com

 

[opheliaoveragain]

appreciate the hell out of you. It warms my heart that you consider me a friend.

I'll keep pushing. And you know the offer to talk is always open both ways.

Proud of you, homie. Always have space for you <3