Never thought about suicide before

[Empty RN]

Do you ever see other people so enthralled with life and catch yourself thinking about how vested they are into it that the consistent torment of wanting to die doesn't plague their thoughts?

 

[52shriek]

Yeah. And I can't understand those people same way they can't understand me. I feel like... Life has us watch this magic show, it's entertaining for a while and when the show is over, your eyes are still full of stars and wonder. Until someone explains to you the cheap trick behind it all, and it starts to look utterly and permanently pointless to you, and you can't unsee the trick no matter how much you'd like to, just so you could recapture your former excitement.

Happy people... Their eyes will remain, for the most part, full of stars and wonder.

 

[52shriek]

Well if you get my drift. It's not like there *is* a trick to explain, but it's my metaphor for depression. It makes you lose all sense of enthusiasm etc.

 

[Empty RN]

That's a very good way to articulate it actually. I don't know how I was caught up in the magic for so long. I wish I was back there- where life had more meaning. I feel like I'm not meant to be here anymore with this rawness of not caring about anything in life anymore captivating my being. I've stopped responding to all of my friends I used to have because I don't feel real nor like the same person I was when I knew them so when people call/ text it's someone else they are looking for who is already gone. The only person I feel guilty about this with is my little sister because she has no other immediate family she contacts. But I don't want to hurt her with the emptiness inside so I minimally keep in touch.

 

[52shriek]

I can absolutely relate to that.
I have good memories from life at times, but depression has tainted them and where I used to feel joy reliving those happy memories, I now feel rage and hopelessness that they're now gone forever, and I barely enjoy thinking about them. They just make me profoundly sad that I'm not in that mental space anymore...

 

[Empty RN]

I can absolutely relate to that.
I have good memories from life at times, but depression has tainted them and where I used to feel joy reliving those happy memories, I now feel rage and hopelessness that they're now gone forever, and I barely enjoy thinking about them. They just make me profoundly sad that I'm not in that mental space anymore...

This, exactly this. It feels so strange looking back on those memories. I have very vivd dreams lately and the joy I felt before, drive, ambition it's all there in those dreams. Maybe when we die we can shift back to a state of being ourselves again where we feel better and full of those glimpses of excitement and joy we once experienced

 

[52shriek]

I can only hope, yes...

At this point, all the good I've had in my life is hurting me as much as the bad stuff, because of the bitterness those happy times have left in their wake.

 

[worldexploder]

These "shiny happy people" boggle my mind. I will never understand them. From a philosophical standpoint even it should be simple to figure out that life is inherently a negative imposition.

 

[MAIO]

Do you ever see other people so enthralled with life and catch yourself thinking about how vested they are into it that the consistent torment of wanting to die doesn't plague their thoughts?

What king of RN are you? Basically life is giving into desire or In other words illusion. When people fully give into illusion, they usually feel good.