toxicjester
The world’s worst jester
- Dec 11, 2023
- 97
Things got really bad today. So bad to the point that even though I barely had a plan before I kind of started to have an outline.
It's still a lot of work and would take a while before I could ctb, but it'd almost comforting having a rough draft essentially.
I always want to pass away in my sleep, and while that's not possible in a cool way, I feel like carbon monoxide is a close second. In order to do that in a place that's not a room in the house that my gf could find me though it'd prolly have to be more like "the pussy method" as I saw someone I know say one time, or the exit bag. I still don't know the method all that well but honestly, beats wanting to just lock myself in the bathroom and cut my arms and bleed to death, which feels like more of a theatrics thing tbh.
I'd also get a big seal plush. Like one that's laying down and is like 4 feet long or something. I'd just want to feel like I have my mama with me. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to hurt anyone crazy so I think that's a good solution. And part of me feels like if I have the seal plush with me and I feel sleepy and drift off, maybe I'll wake up in my next life as a baby harp seal, right next to my mama that I always wanted.
It's so bad right now, my ferret of nine years passed away on Oct. 26, and if I think about it too much I start sobbing. I always thought I'd have my own apartment and I could finally have my ferret in my own place since I can't have her where I'm living right now and so she was still living with my family, but I never got her out of there and I will forever hate myself for that. She was suffering so much, she had been screaming according to my family, and when I had got to the house a couple days before she passed, she stopped screaming and walked around and fell asleep on me. As soon as I left she started again and then the day after that she barely moved at all. And then I couldn't even be there when she died, when I finally got to the house her body was cold, and I held her for hours, just hoping I could warm her up enough and that she'd start breathing. I miss my baby.
My girlfriend and I had another bad fight cause I'm so incompetent and can't take care of her and she has to do all the leg work emotionally. I feel so burnt out all the time and I don't know how I'm supposed to do introspection. I feel like we're so close to breaking up. She's getting more and more tired of me and she feels like I don't understand her and I'm starting to feel like I don't for real.
It's good that I have this plan, stuff is getting bad and once I get stuff straightened out maybe I can finally be with my mama
I like hearing other's thoughts, makes me feel like I have friends, feel free to say whatever about my stuff
Edit: a lot of this stuff isn't coherent or makes sense and I realize this, I'm still feel horrible atm and I don't know a whole lot about a lot of this stuff
It's still a lot of work and would take a while before I could ctb, but it'd almost comforting having a rough draft essentially.
I always want to pass away in my sleep, and while that's not possible in a cool way, I feel like carbon monoxide is a close second. In order to do that in a place that's not a room in the house that my gf could find me though it'd prolly have to be more like "the pussy method" as I saw someone I know say one time, or the exit bag. I still don't know the method all that well but honestly, beats wanting to just lock myself in the bathroom and cut my arms and bleed to death, which feels like more of a theatrics thing tbh.
I'd also get a big seal plush. Like one that's laying down and is like 4 feet long or something. I'd just want to feel like I have my mama with me. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to hurt anyone crazy so I think that's a good solution. And part of me feels like if I have the seal plush with me and I feel sleepy and drift off, maybe I'll wake up in my next life as a baby harp seal, right next to my mama that I always wanted.
It's so bad right now, my ferret of nine years passed away on Oct. 26, and if I think about it too much I start sobbing. I always thought I'd have my own apartment and I could finally have my ferret in my own place since I can't have her where I'm living right now and so she was still living with my family, but I never got her out of there and I will forever hate myself for that. She was suffering so much, she had been screaming according to my family, and when I had got to the house a couple days before she passed, she stopped screaming and walked around and fell asleep on me. As soon as I left she started again and then the day after that she barely moved at all. And then I couldn't even be there when she died, when I finally got to the house her body was cold, and I held her for hours, just hoping I could warm her up enough and that she'd start breathing. I miss my baby.
My girlfriend and I had another bad fight cause I'm so incompetent and can't take care of her and she has to do all the leg work emotionally. I feel so burnt out all the time and I don't know how I'm supposed to do introspection. I feel like we're so close to breaking up. She's getting more and more tired of me and she feels like I don't understand her and I'm starting to feel like I don't for real.
It's good that I have this plan, stuff is getting bad and once I get stuff straightened out maybe I can finally be with my mama
I like hearing other's thoughts, makes me feel like I have friends, feel free to say whatever about my stuff
Edit: a lot of this stuff isn't coherent or makes sense and I realize this, I'm still feel horrible atm and I don't know a whole lot about a lot of this stuff
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