LilyLaroux2000
fairy
- May 5, 2024
- 45
In the dark of the night a new diary shifts to life once again
Those are the thougs my brain came u with at 3 am
(if you find any mistakes in my writting please dont point them out? I probably wont read over it. It just makes me feel really anxius when people point my mistakes out so please dont?)
Entry number 1
My head hurts. I mean it has been hurting for years but, it really hurts now. It does that sometimes. I kind of hate it - at least Im used to the pain by now.
My hands are shaking a bit as well - maybe its the monster I had drunk at around 10 pm? Should the effects be gone by now? Or is it that fanfiction taht I have finnyshed reading 3 hours back?
Dunno.
Maybe I should care so much.
Why am I constantly in pain?
Mental or physical-
Do I even hate that?
I guess Im quiet content in the chaos of my life- but you know having something less chaotic brings some peace - so I dont knlw if Im actually enjoying the chaos or hating it.
Im just weird like that I guess.
Its kind of a strange feeling sharing my diary with people online.
Ever since I started writting diaries I wasnted someone, anyone to read at least some of it.
At first it was a call for help. Then It just turned into somenthing complex. I dont quiet understand the reasons myself. I do understand some of them a bit. Maybe one of them is a call for help, maybe one of them is seeking some attention - in my defense I didnt get much attention as a kid AND I dont really care if this gets noticed-!
I really dont care if it gets noticed or even read by anyone.
Maybe another reason is actually to just put my thoughts and experiences somewhere.
Maybe it it to look at them after a while and think how far I have gotten.
Yeah that can be it.
Just a few months back I had red over some of my past diaries with my partener.
I realized a lot thanks to them.
Like how far into the past some of my mental illnesses go-... Yeah thats not very pleasant.
Moving on, I had a few exciting converzations today.
I still cant belive I have so many friends now.
I've been gaining friends and loosing them over the last 2 years.
Before that I had no friends or they were my bullies...
At some point I was so alone I added this loneliness to my 13 reasons why.
I still remember that day when I felt the most alone.
It wasnt a normal day in the slightest, but when I really think about it, nothing much has happened.
I wanted to go outside with a friend, never before have I done that. The thing was, I had no friends.
Actually thinking about it maybe I wanted to go outside to ctb, I just remember telling my mom I will be going outside with a friend...
At her question of what friend-? (You have none) I answered something along the lines of- my friend from school! You know Sarah! We started talking again!
I still cant quiet understand how could she belive such a bad lie and let me go outside so easily.
I remember how I was feeling really desparate to talk to someone.
I pulled out my phone and try to call a girl from that camp I went to years ago. We werent in tuch at all... She didnt pick up - not even on the 5th ring.
I vent to the city and found a flat that was behin repaired so I could have climbed the things around it. They were there for workers to get everywhere they needed, but no workers were there at that moment. I think the building is 7 stories tall.
First I wanted to see if any of my old classmates would go outside with me. So I texted a lot of them, basicaly every person I had a contact to got texted and I even tryed calling them. I texted or called everyone I knew. No one pucked up, basically no one texted back, and if they did - they just said that they dont have time.
I was sitting on a bench and was feeling really terrible. I though I should just go thought with it.
Then my phone started buzzing, someone was calling me.
I picked up and talked to a girl from a camp I was at during that year. I think I told her that she saved me. Then she hung up seemingly having to go.
I sat there.
I thought that I was going to die but it just seemed it was not my day.
So I got up and walked around.
Ocasionally a teenager like me would go past me, I really wanted to say hi and maybe start a conversation and get a new friend.
But I never got the curage to do that.
I dont remember how I got home or how the rest of my day vent.
It was years ago after all.
Its just a sad memory now.
Sometimes I think about it, I think about my first attempts and notreally-attempts.
I remember when I was around 5 years old opening the window, plan in mind as my mom stepped inside and scremed at me. She had beat the shit out of me when she caught me.
So all these things have been going on for a while.
I even though of possible causes. I came to the conclusion that its mostly my moms fault. I dont blame you for it though. I understand her reasonings.
And after all. We are all kind of broken sometimes and we all do bad things sometimes. And I think thats okay. Because we do good things too. And I think that is what matters...
You have reached the end of my entry. Have a wonderful day/night. And dont forget to do good things in your life :D
(whoa 1000 words????)
Okay bye for now. I hope I will someday write another entry again. (I most likely will)
Feel free to talk about anything in the comments. I will read them (and replay).
β
Those are the thougs my brain came u with at 3 am
(if you find any mistakes in my writting please dont point them out? I probably wont read over it. It just makes me feel really anxius when people point my mistakes out so please dont?)
Entry number 1
My head hurts. I mean it has been hurting for years but, it really hurts now. It does that sometimes. I kind of hate it - at least Im used to the pain by now.
My hands are shaking a bit as well - maybe its the monster I had drunk at around 10 pm? Should the effects be gone by now? Or is it that fanfiction taht I have finnyshed reading 3 hours back?
Dunno.
Maybe I should care so much.
Why am I constantly in pain?
Mental or physical-
Do I even hate that?
I guess Im quiet content in the chaos of my life- but you know having something less chaotic brings some peace - so I dont knlw if Im actually enjoying the chaos or hating it.
Im just weird like that I guess.
Its kind of a strange feeling sharing my diary with people online.
Ever since I started writting diaries I wasnted someone, anyone to read at least some of it.
At first it was a call for help. Then It just turned into somenthing complex. I dont quiet understand the reasons myself. I do understand some of them a bit. Maybe one of them is a call for help, maybe one of them is seeking some attention - in my defense I didnt get much attention as a kid AND I dont really care if this gets noticed-!
I really dont care if it gets noticed or even read by anyone.
Maybe another reason is actually to just put my thoughts and experiences somewhere.
Maybe it it to look at them after a while and think how far I have gotten.
Yeah that can be it.
Just a few months back I had red over some of my past diaries with my partener.
I realized a lot thanks to them.
Like how far into the past some of my mental illnesses go-... Yeah thats not very pleasant.
Moving on, I had a few exciting converzations today.
I still cant belive I have so many friends now.
I've been gaining friends and loosing them over the last 2 years.
Before that I had no friends or they were my bullies...
At some point I was so alone I added this loneliness to my 13 reasons why.
I still remember that day when I felt the most alone.
It wasnt a normal day in the slightest, but when I really think about it, nothing much has happened.
I wanted to go outside with a friend, never before have I done that. The thing was, I had no friends.
Actually thinking about it maybe I wanted to go outside to ctb, I just remember telling my mom I will be going outside with a friend...
At her question of what friend-? (You have none) I answered something along the lines of- my friend from school! You know Sarah! We started talking again!
I still cant quiet understand how could she belive such a bad lie and let me go outside so easily.
I remember how I was feeling really desparate to talk to someone.
I pulled out my phone and try to call a girl from that camp I went to years ago. We werent in tuch at all... She didnt pick up - not even on the 5th ring.
I vent to the city and found a flat that was behin repaired so I could have climbed the things around it. They were there for workers to get everywhere they needed, but no workers were there at that moment. I think the building is 7 stories tall.
First I wanted to see if any of my old classmates would go outside with me. So I texted a lot of them, basicaly every person I had a contact to got texted and I even tryed calling them. I texted or called everyone I knew. No one pucked up, basically no one texted back, and if they did - they just said that they dont have time.
I was sitting on a bench and was feeling really terrible. I though I should just go thought with it.
Then my phone started buzzing, someone was calling me.
I picked up and talked to a girl from a camp I was at during that year. I think I told her that she saved me. Then she hung up seemingly having to go.
I sat there.
I thought that I was going to die but it just seemed it was not my day.
So I got up and walked around.
Ocasionally a teenager like me would go past me, I really wanted to say hi and maybe start a conversation and get a new friend.
But I never got the curage to do that.
I dont remember how I got home or how the rest of my day vent.
It was years ago after all.
Its just a sad memory now.
Sometimes I think about it, I think about my first attempts and notreally-attempts.
I remember when I was around 5 years old opening the window, plan in mind as my mom stepped inside and scremed at me. She had beat the shit out of me when she caught me.
So all these things have been going on for a while.
I even though of possible causes. I came to the conclusion that its mostly my moms fault. I dont blame you for it though. I understand her reasonings.
And after all. We are all kind of broken sometimes and we all do bad things sometimes. And I think thats okay. Because we do good things too. And I think that is what matters...
You have reached the end of my entry. Have a wonderful day/night. And dont forget to do good things in your life :D
(whoa 1000 words????)
Okay bye for now. I hope I will someday write another entry again. (I most likely will)
Feel free to talk about anything in the comments. I will read them (and replay).
β
