New diary: Entry number 2

[LilyLaroux2000]

I shall wake up to cold water.


Entry number 2

Im so so tired. But the good change is its mostly just physicaly.

I seriusly need some energy providing drink or sleep.





I was doing the dishes when I was dancing and singing the loudest I have ever sang. I felt... Happy.

When I finnyshed the dishes and turned the music off hoewer. I felt fear wash over me. I swear I knew someone was in the house...

But it was nothing, I brushed it off as another hallucination.





Later that day (yesterday) I broke. My. Bed.
How? No idea!? I was just getting in bed when I heard a crack. The wooden plank holding the whole thing has snaped.
And it wasnt even the first time this has happened.
I was just done so I tryed to sleep but I barely got any sleep due to my bed behin kind of weird shaped because of the broken part.

I will have to deal with that.




Im still so so tired. And yet the world seems to not want to stop making me feel absolutely terrified.
The thing is, I dont fear dead. But sure as hell do I fear resposibilietes. And if its about money or involving other people in my problems?! Oh no yeah nope I would rather stick my arm into uhmmmm fire? Yep actually that would be wayyy better!

The other day someone tryed to scam me but Im having second thoughts - was it really a scam or do I own big money to someone-? Fuck no kill me... I dont even have money to begin with! Adulting is so stressful- TT


I look around my messy room, that I share with my little sister by the way- paint, canvasses, paper, glasses and bags everywhere. Mom is trying to force me to clean up.


Sometimes I hate the fact I still live with my parents. Sometimes Im deeply thankful. I mean Im still in school, it would be really difficult to live on my own.
In around 2 years hoewer I would like to live with my partner.

But everything is getting more and more complicated and I cant help it and just escape into the fantasy of those stories I like to read.

Its just they arent really helping as of recently.


I fear I might be failing at life. I probably am, and for a long time.







Okay I have an hour untill I will have to go and travel to my dorms that I stay at during the week.

A lot has happened at the dorms while I was gone.

Someone was caught vaping in there, someone was caught tattoing someone else and the theachers want to make the rules more strict.

So Im scared of going there. I still have to throw away the bottles...

Im afraid someone might find them.

I also wanted to get my tattoo finnyshed but the girl that can do that is scared as well.





Why does everything have to be so complicated, it makes me want to quit life.




Anyway I might write some more today, or not. We will see. I dont care about behin consistent - that never worked out for me anyway.


Have a nice and easy life.



Lily




We all strive to be
something more the we can chew
the world is scaring me
But there is nothing we can do

 

[timf]

You might want to try putting some seldom used books under the broken part.

In the movie "Wag the Dog" the guy played by Dustin Hoffman frequently says, "This, this is nothing..." and then goes on to cite a previous experience that was a major problem he had to resolve. It is sort of a picture of people who have gone through many difficulties and are able to handle new one better perhaps because of the experiences they accumulated along the way.

 

[LilyLaroux2000]

You might want to try putting some seldom used books under the broken part.

In the movie "Wag the Dog" the guy played by Dustin Hoffman frequently says, "This, this is nothing..." and then goes on to cite a previous experience that was a major problem he had to resolve. It is sort of a picture of people who have gone through many difficulties and are able to handle new one better perhaps because of the experiences they accumulated along the way.

Ah I kind of forgot about the part where you learn from your experiences. Maybe because its harder for me to learn from previus mistakes. But you gave me new hope. Maybe I will be able to overcome the problems easier in the future. So thank you! ^^

 

[andaira2k]

Hiya, really sweet diary post I must say!
I noticed that you said you'd rather stick your arm into a fire than get involved in anything financial / other responsibilities. I personally would say, that maybe you should apply that perspective exactly to those situations! Those responsibilities can be quite scary, just like holding your arm in a fire, but trust me, once you've got the hang of it, you will be even more proud of yourself, not just because you did it, but especially because you went to that scary place.
Also regarding your dorm thingy: I truly believe your current state in life sounds super exciting. Yes it's scary if you get caught during any of those stuff, but in my opinion, doing stuff like that with that fear in the back of your head is even more exciting and makes it even more special.
Even if caught or anything, at the end of the day, you go to bed with new experiences and memories, regardless of what will follow. And noone can take those away from you!

 

[LilyLaroux2000]

Hiya, really sweet diary post I must say!
I noticed that you said you'd rather stick your arm into a fire than get involved in anything financial / other responsibilities. I personally would say, that maybe you should apply that perspective exactly to those situations! Those responsibilities can be quite scary, just like holding your arm in a fire, but trust me, once you've got the hang of it, you will be even more proud of yourself, not just because you did it, but especially because you went to that scary place.
Also regarding your dorm thingy: I truly believe your current state in life sounds super exciting. Yes it's scary if you get caught during any of those stuff, but in my opinion, doing stuff like that with that fear in the back of your head is even more exciting and makes it even more special.
Even if caught or anything, at the end of the day, you go to bed with new experiences and memories, regardless of what will follow. And noone can take those away from you!

First of all thank you! ^^ Second of all. The logic with the fire is actually making sense and I feel a bit determined to actually try it. I never really looked at it that way- actually no at first when I was starting my art bussiness thing I was determined. But now I feel Iike I have a bit of that back so thanks a lot for that! ^^
Ah yes I must agree I do enjoy the chaos from time to time. Some of it really is exciting!
Im actually glad my life is super crazy. Its just exciting and a good story! And its even MORE exciting to share my experiences with others! I think the faces and reactions are quiet funny and when each one is different I feel like I no longer can predict peoples reactions or actions. Sometimes I still predict them and it has been somenthing I kind of hated and loved in my life. Its just, life is too boring if you know what is going to happen, you know?



Thank you for commenting! ^^ You made my day before it even strated (mornings are hard and its 5 am) If youd like to be friends you can text me! ^^ Or you can text me if you want to talk to someone or really the reason can be anything! (I love talking to new people thats also exciting)