Venting New here and I'd like to share some things

[lawr]

greetings people. i have recently found myself closer to committing than i have ever been in my entire life, and as a consequence have stumbled across this forum. it has been a little refreshing to see people who struggle with the same problems i do, and to see how supportive everyone here is. though this is my first ever post, i'd like to take a moment to thank you all for being you.

anyways, i felt like trying to encapsulate my current thoughts in text somewhere, which is something i have never done, and i've decided to do that here. long and disjointed read ahead.

i've always felt miserable, misunderstood, excluded, and lonely since childhood. i still have memories of being a 4th grader going around asking my classmates if they would care if i committed suicide. suicide has always been in the back of my mind, and the way i view it aligns perfectly with a lot of ignorant people's stereotypical view that it is "the easy way out". i don't care about myself. i don't care about the people around me the way that i should. i don't have ambitions or goals. i don't want to work just to survive, though i force myself to. my personal philosophy has always revolved around following the path of least resistance and i am now at a point where suicide is a part of this path. my experiences have hardwired my brain to believe the only important thing in life is to avoid pain, not to pursue happiness. i'm more than willing to deny myself all future pleasures and joy if it means i avoid the suffering. throughout the years though, at least until now, i always knew deep down that suicide was not an option no matter what. i am miserable but not fully delusional. i know that my life is redeemable. i know that it is possible for me to achieve peace. i don't have a chemical imbalance in my brain that prohibits me from being happy. i just have a shitty life and had a shitty upbringing to match. but i am now at the point where i simply don't care. all the instances in which i was neglected and abused have not left just a lack or an emptiness within me, but a score to settle. i once had so much love to give to others. i gave it all innocently and was abandoned and abused in return. true happiness and healing is supposed to come from within, but where's the retribution? i don't feel it's fair that i should have to repair the damage that others have inflicted upon me myself. what could come from within me that could possibly replace that nurturing and unconditional love which i never received? i accept myself just fine. but that is not enough. i need to be accepted and loved by others. the only way i can feel safe is through somebody else's comfort. this train of thought is the perfect recipe for, "that guy", who nobody wants to be around. the type of person who thinks the world or the people around them owe them something, and sits around waiting for someone else to come into their life, to love them, comfort, them, and fix them, all the while having zero obligations to reciprocate. and to be frank, that is where i am. i have nothing left to give. my disposition towards being a giver has transformed into greed and selfishness. i sit and wait hoping that somebody will take interest in me without me doing anything to appear interesting, and that that person will go the extra mile to make me feel comfortable in their presence and care for me. my dream is to encounter somebody who understands me wholly without me having to explain myself, because doing so is unbelievably exhausting, and often impossible, because my thoughts and beliefs are in cycles of constant contradiction and i sometimes find myself struggling to explain who i am to begin with. i no longer feel comfortable opening up to others at all.

i am that guy who says "really?" to every compliment. i am that guy who baselessly assumes that he is nothing but a footnote in everyone else's life. i am that guy who needs to be the center of attention, otherwise he feels invisible. i am that guy who keeps the score when it comes to who reaches out to who first, even when it comes to his friends, because i assume my presence is unwanted by anybody and everybody, and simple things like people texting me first prove to me logically that this person wants something to do with me, or enjoys having me around. and logical assumptions like these are the only thing that can keep me somewhat grounded when i am so naive and such a slave to my feelings. the only reason why i'm not the type of person who drags others down with them, or exhausts people's attempts to help while ignorantly continuing their self destruction, is because i know how to keep things to myself and i understand the importance of not making my problems other people's problems too.

i don't want suicide to be the answer. i want to be happy and succeed. i want to be a positive influence in other people's lives. there is just too much for me to overcome before i can achieve those things. i have no support system. i have lived a life where the act of being myself has never gone without punishment. i can't meet anybody who understands me. i can't meet anybody who shares my passions or views. the longer i have lived, the more i have struggled to relate to others, and thus, the more lonely i have become. i can't expect that there's anybody on this planet that sees life through the exact same lens that i do. nobody can. we all live our own unique lives. and while there is a certain beauty to be found in differing perspectives, the idea that there will be nobody who has lived my life, and can completely understand and visualize things the exact way that i do, is reason enough for me to resign myself to the belief that i can never be fully understood by another person. and as the type of person who's achievements are never their own, who can only see the value of their accomplishments if others do, this belief is soul crushing. there is a personality inside me screaming to be seen and screaming to be understood that i don't have an explanation or the words for.

there is much more bogging me down but this post is long-winded as it is so i will be saving the rest for later. view this post as a stream-of-consciousness rant similar to how one would use a journal. i am grateful for the opportunity this forum has provided me, to put some of my thoughts out there anonymously in an open-minded and accepting community. cheers guys.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm impressed with how brutally honest you are about yourself. What you need and what you're willing to give/ not give in return.

Do you wonder if you are still capable of reciprocally loving someone though? If you were open to that in the past? It sounds like, the way you've developed has been through (understandable) coping mechanisms to, in some ways distance and thereby, protect yourself from others- so you think? If you found someone you could truly trust though, maybe it would be different. Of course, I guess finding them and trusting them is the tricky part!

I agree with the path of least resistance thing. It's exhausting having to comply to life just because we're told we have to. It's so much harder when we don't have the motivation to want to do it for ourselves too. I think I feel similar to you in that way, only I don't feel the need for other people so much. I can't go without people entirely but, I can get by on smaller amounts. I guess I've also learnt not to trust people too I suppose. It's pretty risky relying on others.

 

[lawr]

I'm impressed with how brutally honest you are about yourself. What you need and what you're willing to give/ not give in return.

Do you wonder if you are still capable of reciprocally loving someone though? If you were open to that in the past? It sounds like, the way you've developed has been through (understandable) coping mechanisms to, in some ways distance and thereby, protect yourself from others- so you think? If you found someone you could truly trust though, maybe it would be different. Of course, I guess finding them and trusting them is the tricky part!

I agree with the path of least resistance thing. It's exhausting having to comply to life just because we're told we have to. It's so much harder when we don't have the motivation to want to do it for ourselves too. I think I feel similar to you in that way, only I don't feel the need for other people so much. I can't go without people entirely but, I can get by on smaller amounts. I guess I've also learnt not to trust people too I suppose. It's pretty risky relying on others.

Finding them and trusting them is definitely the tricky part, yeah. I do absolutely think it's possible for me to love again, I'm just not sure that love would be on equal terms.
I'd imagine I'd make a pretty awful partner at this point, at least for a while, since I would probably never be comfortable making decisions, or doing/initiating anything that could end in rejection, no matter how slim the chance. I used to be giddy with excitement at the idea of doing things for a person that I love, and now I feel totally the opposite, because I can only base my willingness to do these things on how likely I think it is that they would show me the same gestures in return. And of course I'm the type to assume that 1:1 reciprocation of these gestures is the result of courtesy and being nice, so I place an unrealistic weight on spontaneity. If I give someone a gift and they later give one back, they did so simply because that's what you do in such a situation. Not because they are happy to do it. If I am the first and they are the second, how am I to know they would have ever done it to begin with if I didn't do it first? Which is a very obviously unrealistic stance. Yet that's how my feelings work at the moment.

Is it even possible to know, with 100% certainty, that someone can be trusted? No matter who they are, or what kind of relationship you have, trusting someone will always involve leaps of faith to a certain degree. You simply never know for sure what's going on in someone's head. That being said I do think I still have it in me to put my trust in somebody, at least once last time.