I've been suicidal my whole life, and I'm in my 40's.
What kept me alive in my 30's was mainly the fact that I had young children. I also had a great career building technology that made positive impacts on the world, a house in the city, and a beautiful wife. I still wanted to kill myself frequently, but I held on to life because it contained things to love and care about.
If your life is lacking things to live for, it may be possible to find things that fill the void and build a better life for yourself. I don't know your situation, but I know that you're still young in your 30's and a lot of things are possible at that age.
What finally broke my will to live is irreversible damage caused by a lifetime of trauma, stress, and mental illness. This year I had a manic episode that completely destroyed my marriage, career, and finances. Now I'm in a severe depresson, heavily medicated, unable to work, and with no future. I'm the shell of the person I used to be, and bipolar is degenerative so things are only getting worse no matter how hard I try.
I still feel conflicted about ctb, but at this point I'm too shattered to find hope and I'm suffering every single waking moment. I can't take it anymore, I am defeated.
So I'm not sure what kind of shit life has thrown your way and I don't want to moralize, but I think ctb is always tragic and not something to be taken lightly. If all other options are exhausted and life is truly hopeless, then it might be time to ctb.
I'm sorry to hear about the manic episode that destroyed things for you. And I'm so sorry you feel defeated. You deserve kindness and peace.
I deeply relate to the lifetime of trauma and stress and mental illness.
The tldr life story for me is:
My mom was super abusive. One of my earliest memories is her picking me up by my hair and throwing me across the room, and then dragging me by my hair telling me that the church party we were going to was for ungrateful girls like me.
I remember I spilled paint on the carpet when I was six and she kicked me to the ground asking me if I was too stupid or too selfish to clean up after myself.
Other things like that.
She got married when I was 9. Her husband was a sexual assailant and raped me and abused me for years. I finally told a friend at 13. CPS got involved. My mom picked me up from school that day (weird) and drove me to an empty parking lot and took me behind a dumpster and started hitting and kicking me and screaming at me that I better tell her the truth.
I did. I thought she was taking my side but about 10 months later she let him back in and told me I needed to lie to CPS. Shortly after that, when I was 15, I had my first suicide attempt. I jumped from a height and ended up in a wheelchair. Started talking about suicide at school and CPS got involved and so while I couldn't walk my mom would come into my bedroom at night and scream at me about how I was too stupid to realize why her husband needed to come back and without him I would never go to college.
I did go to college, on a scholarship actually, but it wasn't a full one and so she would use money to control me even there.
I moved away for a while and then went back to live with her in 2016. When I didn't vote trump she harassed me at work and pulled a gun on me at home.
I left after that and have never really moved back home except briefly in 2023 to take care of my stepdad as he died of cancer, same one who raped me and all that.
I had to keep my mom from stabbing him with needles and shit because she was mad he was dying and taking it out on him.
This has been the majority of my life. I don't think I'm getting better. I deeply resonate with feeling like a shell
