BabyYoda
F*ck this sh!t I'm out
- Dec 30, 2019
- 552
This will be the first year I won't make any new year resolutions. They just usually dissolve down the drain and I have no motivation whatsoever to improve my life. I really feel like my life should be mostly spent on fandoms and school work. If I can be happy with just that, will it be a waste of my time?
I see many people are more privileged than I am. They get to travel, date, spend time with family and all those stuff. That is the definition, according to society, a meaningful life. I don't really have a lot of money compared to others my age so the only time I can travel is when our relatives invite us. I'm not good enough to be a good romantic partner so romance is eliminated for me. I don't really connect with my family in general. So far I have very little desire to improve my skills in the arts because I just don't know what path I should be going. Because of this I never win in contests or I'm not recognized as the artistic type.
Fuck what should I do. I want to CTB in a few years after I graduate but I'm not sure if I'll actually do it. If I decide not to, then it would be too late already to develop the necessary skills for the job I want. How the fuck am I supposed to get motivated when I already accept that I'm worthless? That I can't change anything? I'm hesitant to CTB because of upcoming anime/games/manga and I can't afford to miss out on the good stuff. At the same time I want to reduce the pain I'll feel because I can't handle much anymore due to severe mental illness during the past months. So what I'm thinking about is applying for a job that doesn't deal with many people, one on one is okay.....but most companies want people with high EQ uggggghhhhhhhhhhh. But without a job I can't sustain myself. I don't want to get attached to people anymore because I end up hurt. I'm even afraid to post this because of what people will say.
If I'm not worthy to others then I'm not worthy to myself either, because that also means I can't get a fucking job or something. It means I don't have privilege. If no one wants to date me then I'm trash hands down. I despise myself for falling for anyone other than a 2D character on a screen. Nobody wants a freak like me. Relationships are what I'll miss out on because I'm not good enough. First of all I dress well but I am ugly as fuck. Second every time I give time and attention to someone it is taken for granted. Third the nice ones are always taken by ATTRACTIVE people.
At the same time compliments don't work on me. Every time I hear someone say that I'm deserving of love I just say thank you but I don't really absorb it. Cause I assume it's just fake cheesy stuff we are programmed to give, nothing meaningful. I do not see why I SHOULD be loved or anything. I hate those pictures of quotes on social media telling you how worthy I am. Because what will be my worth if I'm no use to anybody.
So what is left for me. Fandoms of course. And the friends who I am still in touch with. Though I feel a bit distant to them except for one person. I have only one person I'm truly open with. Others I just feel blah but that doesn't make them less as friends. I just hate emotional attachment that's all. I wanna be chill.
I see many people are more privileged than I am. They get to travel, date, spend time with family and all those stuff. That is the definition, according to society, a meaningful life. I don't really have a lot of money compared to others my age so the only time I can travel is when our relatives invite us. I'm not good enough to be a good romantic partner so romance is eliminated for me. I don't really connect with my family in general. So far I have very little desire to improve my skills in the arts because I just don't know what path I should be going. Because of this I never win in contests or I'm not recognized as the artistic type.
Fuck what should I do. I want to CTB in a few years after I graduate but I'm not sure if I'll actually do it. If I decide not to, then it would be too late already to develop the necessary skills for the job I want. How the fuck am I supposed to get motivated when I already accept that I'm worthless? That I can't change anything? I'm hesitant to CTB because of upcoming anime/games/manga and I can't afford to miss out on the good stuff. At the same time I want to reduce the pain I'll feel because I can't handle much anymore due to severe mental illness during the past months. So what I'm thinking about is applying for a job that doesn't deal with many people, one on one is okay.....but most companies want people with high EQ uggggghhhhhhhhhhh. But without a job I can't sustain myself. I don't want to get attached to people anymore because I end up hurt. I'm even afraid to post this because of what people will say.
If I'm not worthy to others then I'm not worthy to myself either, because that also means I can't get a fucking job or something. It means I don't have privilege. If no one wants to date me then I'm trash hands down. I despise myself for falling for anyone other than a 2D character on a screen. Nobody wants a freak like me. Relationships are what I'll miss out on because I'm not good enough. First of all I dress well but I am ugly as fuck. Second every time I give time and attention to someone it is taken for granted. Third the nice ones are always taken by ATTRACTIVE people.
At the same time compliments don't work on me. Every time I hear someone say that I'm deserving of love I just say thank you but I don't really absorb it. Cause I assume it's just fake cheesy stuff we are programmed to give, nothing meaningful. I do not see why I SHOULD be loved or anything. I hate those pictures of quotes on social media telling you how worthy I am. Because what will be my worth if I'm no use to anybody.
So what is left for me. Fandoms of course. And the friends who I am still in touch with. Though I feel a bit distant to them except for one person. I have only one person I'm truly open with. Others I just feel blah but that doesn't make them less as friends. I just hate emotional attachment that's all. I wanna be chill.