nembutal
everything will be okay in the end
- Jul 14, 2022
- 334
i'd like to give some background to my situation and beg for answers as to what i should do to fill my existence with actual purpose
i am a 21y/o
- my childhood was not stereotypically traumatic, and i don't know why i am so naturally and chronically suicidal and pessimistic
- symptoms started at 16- loss of hope for the future, self mutilation, no sense of self. diagnosed with MDD and BPD. most prevalent symptoms are passive suicidality and being unable to steer myself in any direction without a romantic partner (which to me is the highest piece of evidence for having purpose, personally)
- dropped out of a full scholarship paid college admission at the end of the first year
- not talented in any specific field, no physical or emotional energy to spare toiling away at a min wage job
- holding down work along with frequent bulimic symptoms, inability to socialize "conventionally" = no employment
- little to no engagement with people, those who i do talk to are all in my phone
currently i am a NEET who sees no future for myself in conventional society, as a deeply untalanted person with visible scars all over my arms. i make cash from escorting from anywhere to 4-600/h. poor relations with my parents, mother specifically, leaves me with constant threats of being kicked onto the streets. i am so full of self hatred from not being worthy enough that every moment outside of distraction with drugs and meaningless entertainment is filled with fantasies of suicide.
my biggest concern is the fact that even those with a better standing than me are struggling in modern society. degreed students are unable to find jobs. service workers are unable to pay rent. if i were to go back to school or work, what would it all be for?
my days are filled with numbing with heroin and sleeping as much as possible. some days i eat until i can feel my stomach splitting and hurl it all up afterward. sometimes i reach out to others and tell them of plans in a final attempt to be saved. no one wants to be a savior these days. i am the pinnacle of unconventionality, and carry symptoms that others find putrid and unworthy of care.
perhaps someone has been in the same position as me and is now doing a bit better and would like to share how they were able to improve. please and thank you.
i am a 21y/o
- my childhood was not stereotypically traumatic, and i don't know why i am so naturally and chronically suicidal and pessimistic
- symptoms started at 16- loss of hope for the future, self mutilation, no sense of self. diagnosed with MDD and BPD. most prevalent symptoms are passive suicidality and being unable to steer myself in any direction without a romantic partner (which to me is the highest piece of evidence for having purpose, personally)
- dropped out of a full scholarship paid college admission at the end of the first year
- not talented in any specific field, no physical or emotional energy to spare toiling away at a min wage job
- holding down work along with frequent bulimic symptoms, inability to socialize "conventionally" = no employment
- little to no engagement with people, those who i do talk to are all in my phone
currently i am a NEET who sees no future for myself in conventional society, as a deeply untalanted person with visible scars all over my arms. i make cash from escorting from anywhere to 4-600/h. poor relations with my parents, mother specifically, leaves me with constant threats of being kicked onto the streets. i am so full of self hatred from not being worthy enough that every moment outside of distraction with drugs and meaningless entertainment is filled with fantasies of suicide.
my biggest concern is the fact that even those with a better standing than me are struggling in modern society. degreed students are unable to find jobs. service workers are unable to pay rent. if i were to go back to school or work, what would it all be for?
my days are filled with numbing with heroin and sleeping as much as possible. some days i eat until i can feel my stomach splitting and hurl it all up afterward. sometimes i reach out to others and tell them of plans in a final attempt to be saved. no one wants to be a savior these days. i am the pinnacle of unconventionality, and carry symptoms that others find putrid and unworthy of care.
perhaps someone has been in the same position as me and is now doing a bit better and would like to share how they were able to improve. please and thank you.
