Night gargle

[BecomingTired]

When I think of the time I've genuinely been closest to death, I don't really of my attempts, or the time I almost drowned, the time I chocked on a bottle cap I was chewing stupidly as a kid or the countless other moments in my life. Instead, I think of this old, relatively short arch bridge that was around my area when I was 9 to 11 that I would have to cross every time I walked to school, underneath this bridge was a huge drop to a railroad track I can't really tell if it was just my worldview as a kid made me mistook how big of a drop it really was or what because I just remember it seeming as though it would take a full minute or so to hit the floor. Impulsively, I would constantly think of jumping off it whenever I did cross: a genuine, strong desire to just jump and end it all. It wasn't just that I hated going home but I felt as though the only options for me was death or killing my mother then fleeing god knows where, it's sort of strange to just admit that after years of bottling it up but I guess the layers of anonymity made it far easier to. Everyday, I would cross that bridge with numerous increasingly dark thoughts, thoughts that would constantly twist my limited mind to consider these two options more and more, I would even plan out how I would commit the murder if I was to go through it increasingly detailed, and constantly think of re-enacting the plan then and there whenever I got home; I don't really care rn if that makes me a horrible person or smth it was the only way I saw myself surviving at the time. Eventually, I was beaten down hard by a group of kids around my age for being an obvious autist and a homeless that relied on council housing, like bad to the point I still notice vague scarring on my body whenever I shower, I wouldn't really say what shattered any hope left in my heart was the beatdown but the fact my mother was beating me then and there when she was forced to pick me up, right in front of the teacher who told her about the situation. Right in front of him with little care about where she was, and yet when I tried to look at him through my tears I could see his shift away immediately as though it was not his problem; that broke me. Like really badly hurt me in every way possible. I don't think I ever felt so much despair as I did then despite how much worse my life got later on, it genuinely scarred me. I remember I went home that night crying so desperately that I was constantly in a state of being unable to breathe multiple times throughout, desperately praying for God to put me out of my misery and despite my countless cries 'He' did not answer. I woke up trying to appear as visibly fine as possible throughout the morning, though I don't think it would've mattered if I didn't, and instead of going to school I sort of just stood there at the peak of the bridge; I wasn't standing on the ledge or anything yet but just silently looking down below, and felt a weird sense of dread I wasn't normally accustomed to, it wasn't really the sense of me being afraid of the height but the feeling that I was being forced to die with invisible hands slowly nudging me off, like I was looking at death itself and that scared me badly, so I stood there for a very long just staring down. When I eventually felt ready, I tried my best to get on the thick cement that acted as a rail without immediately falling, I would feel my heart burn and intense fear whenever it seemed as though my feet would just slip but at the same time I vividly remember feeling a crazy rush adrenaline, I wouldn't exactly call it excitement but something close, I wasn't thinking of anything other than jumping as I was about to give way; but as soon as I was almost feeling completely ready I was suddenly grabbed from behind by behind by someone passing by and dragged off. I don't really remember much after that other than an intense fear of death being lodged into my heart as I cried despite the sore throat, I just felt really empty. I would say, out of all my attempts that first attempt was most definitely the closest to death I ever been to it, atleast in terms of the way I felt. i'm not exactly sure why I even wanted to write all this, I just did. i should be sleeping right now lol i don't think i'll be able to, not really a shocker in any way. i just want things to be over, i don't "want" death I just wish I could cease to exist, everything that points to my existence never even occurring, just an empty pocket in the sea of time that quickly fills up as though it was never there. Yet I still exist, and continue to exist. If I wasn't stopped that day, I would've certainly died, without a doubt in my mind it was an absolute, yet I was. And here I am, typing away with more tears flowing down my face, nothing changed, nothing at all.
woe is me, amen.