husky
Member
- Jul 9, 2023
- 5
Hello,
I feel a bit weird writing this. I've been on this forum for a few months, looking around. I never share anything about myself or my experiences, but for some reason i am doing it now. I know this is an accepting place with accepting members, and i'm grateful that i was allowed to join.
I got diagnosed with severe depression when i was 15, i am now 32, and it has never left me.
I strongly suspect i have a lot of other disorders such as BPD and maybe some form of autism, but definitely Avoidant Personality Disorder which makes it impossible for me to seek help or even have friends, relationships...
I just stay in my room, my safe place in a way, only going out if i really need food. I also work an office job, from home 3 days a week and from an office 2 days a week usually. This is extremely hard for me, as i have to try to appear as normal as possible, and i come home absolutely exhausted from making that effort, physically and mentally. I'm a loner and an introvert.
The last 4/5 days have been particularly bad. I can't even eat or drink anymore, and just spend my time sitting in my room crying and sleeping.
Yesterday, I got closer than ever to CTB. I tried the night-night method using a belt with a ratchet lock and two rolled-up socks pressing against the carotid arteries.
It took me some time to decide to tighten the belt, but when i did, i almost immediately noticed my hearing starting to fade and like a black matter come over me, a bit like an old TV losing signal.
But then i stopped it, i got scared. I wish i went through with it, but anyone who attempted this will know how scary it feels. However, in a way, i feel a little comforted that it seemed to work, as people suggested in megathreads. After that i had a bit of trouble sleeping, as falling asleep would remind me of that sensation.
Anyway... i just feel like i'm stuck in a limbo state at the moment. Not knowing where to go.
As i've always said to myself, CTB is a permanent solution to a permanent problem. Not everyone can be saved.
It just makes me sad that people have to go through this alone and do it themselves, sometimes mutilating themselves just to escape the nightmare of reality.
I'm not sure if this will be useful or helpful in any way, but i just thought i would contribute on here.
husky.
I feel a bit weird writing this. I've been on this forum for a few months, looking around. I never share anything about myself or my experiences, but for some reason i am doing it now. I know this is an accepting place with accepting members, and i'm grateful that i was allowed to join.
I got diagnosed with severe depression when i was 15, i am now 32, and it has never left me.
I strongly suspect i have a lot of other disorders such as BPD and maybe some form of autism, but definitely Avoidant Personality Disorder which makes it impossible for me to seek help or even have friends, relationships...
I just stay in my room, my safe place in a way, only going out if i really need food. I also work an office job, from home 3 days a week and from an office 2 days a week usually. This is extremely hard for me, as i have to try to appear as normal as possible, and i come home absolutely exhausted from making that effort, physically and mentally. I'm a loner and an introvert.
The last 4/5 days have been particularly bad. I can't even eat or drink anymore, and just spend my time sitting in my room crying and sleeping.
Yesterday, I got closer than ever to CTB. I tried the night-night method using a belt with a ratchet lock and two rolled-up socks pressing against the carotid arteries.
It took me some time to decide to tighten the belt, but when i did, i almost immediately noticed my hearing starting to fade and like a black matter come over me, a bit like an old TV losing signal.
But then i stopped it, i got scared. I wish i went through with it, but anyone who attempted this will know how scary it feels. However, in a way, i feel a little comforted that it seemed to work, as people suggested in megathreads. After that i had a bit of trouble sleeping, as falling asleep would remind me of that sensation.
Anyway... i just feel like i'm stuck in a limbo state at the moment. Not knowing where to go.
As i've always said to myself, CTB is a permanent solution to a permanent problem. Not everyone can be saved.
It just makes me sad that people have to go through this alone and do it themselves, sometimes mutilating themselves just to escape the nightmare of reality.
I'm not sure if this will be useful or helpful in any way, but i just thought i would contribute on here.
husky.
