Story Nobody wants to hear your life story

[four_walls_girl]

But here I go anyways lmao. Probably a very long one, was gonna cut some parts out but it wouldn't really be a life story if I did, so fuck it. But like, still, holy yap.

Story-introduction/ vent but idk what tag to use.

~★~

Currently I'm 23. Female. Binged and restricted myself on and off for a while but rn I'm probably about 78kg. Ugly, fat and downright unattractive in just in general since I don't look after myself.

From the earliest age I can remember I've always been bigger than kids in my class. I've always had a problem with overeating, even at 11 I was bingeing, thought I didn't know what it was then.
On Friday nights we'd get takeaway, and I'd get an extra pizza just for myself AND a big chocolate bar basically all in one sitting. I'd always beg for more snacks after tea and I'd eat whole family sized bags by myself. This one memory comes to mind of me at 7 sitting under the kitchen table eating an entire layer cake for some reason lol. I literally could not stop eating junk.




Now, I don't blame my mum at all, she was just a couple years younger than I am now when she had me, and I can't imagine me being that age and having the responsibility of a child as a single parent. I can't even look after myself or my pets without help.

But, because of how kind she is, she was very lenient with me. I didn't get yelled at really by her at all, but I also had a lot of anxiety back then too so I would sob if I did get in trouble for something I didn't know was wrong at the time. If she was mad at me I'd completely panic cause I wasn't used to it, I'm a very sensitive person even now, and anybody raising their tone even slightly WILL make me have a panic attack.



My dad was so much different. He came back all of a sudden at 8 after leaving us when I was 5, and eventually I had to stay with him on the weekends. He would yell at me for any mistake. I was constantly anxious around him and the thought of going to his house, I didn't want to be seen as useless but I just couldn't do what he wanted me to do cause mum never taught or made me do it. They were complete polar opposites so of course I hated staying over, cause again, very very sensitive, so I did everything to avoid it. he left again at 14.



That's probably why with mum I always got away with a lot of things like eating too much and not going to school, she just wanted me to be happy, and I got upset about change pretty easily.

From age 6-8 I discovered I could lie pretty easily to the school about feeling sick and they'd send me home, so I figured, I could lie to mum too. I hated school enough to the point I was "sick" for weeks on end, and she always let me stay off. I loved her for it then, and I appreciate her for it now, but the immense guilt I feel of tricking her and possibly getting her in trouble with the school and almost fined rages on pretty heavily now, since we were pretty much directly on the poverty line.

This carried on through highschool, then I was allowed to be "homeschooled" cause of "severe social anxiety" but nobody ever came to check I was actually doing work, so I just stopped doing anything and stayed in bed all day watching anime and playing video games. I actually don't remember much from this time period, or really any other time, brain fog go brrr, but I just continued my lazy pos ways.

It's always been a comfort to stay in bed and forget the world exists outside of youtube and movies and shows. As a teenager that's when I really started rotting, never going outside for months at a time during term breaks and stinking it up with not showering for a week from staying up all night and sleeping all day and days old plates littered around. It was real gross.

Unfortunately the government made me go to college a couple years later, and I basically had no social skills or grades to help me out. I fell into the old cycles, dropped out of one college after staying off for 3 weeks out of the 4 I'd been in for, then dropped out of the second one at the start of lockdown.


~~~break time, have a snack with me~~~



Anyways, the pandemic was pure bliss for me for a while, I got to go back to the time I wasn't in school or with dad. Got to scrounge off government benefits, didn't have to do anything. No responsibility, no worries.

But then something in my brain chemistry screwed itself over. I discovered the concept of reality shifting, and tried to leave this reality without ctbing, cause I didn't consider myself actively wantint to ctb, but I didn't want to stay here if it meant I could in a different universe with my comfort characters.

But it wasn't working, I was still me, growing fatter and growing older, which COULD NOT and still CANNOT happen.

I got frustrated, got depressed, doubted everything, developed more disordered eating, a hatred for being an adult and not the younger self I was trying to shift to be to restart my life, started acting more childish, developed an obsession with cutesy things and age dreaming/ regression to keep my childhood, more screen addiction, cutting addiction.

and, much more embarrassingly, an addiction to the chat bot site c.ai. Because of course the isolated loser can only find connections from bots, and if shifting wasn't working, I'd just talk to the ai version of the people I wanted to meet instead. Last summer alone had 15+ hours a day on the site with the same Aizawa Shouta bot every time. Pretty cringe.


~★~




Very long story short:

I've basically never had anything going for me, apparently probably autistic? (according to the person I was seeing for social anxiety back then) no gcse's, no work skills, nothing.

Always been too lazy to do anything, and now as an adult, I still don't have any motivation to be a person. I've become a disappointment to a mum who doesn't deserve a daughter who can't even stick to one thing or get a job to take her out of the shitty little council house she'll always live in.

So it's better if I do ctb, cause then maybe it'll be a chance for her to realise she has the chance to get out there and find someone who will look after her and get the life she deserves without me.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your upbringing, it seems really difficult to have one parent that while prioritized your well being (which is important) did not help you in the way that you wanted when you were younger, and also your father seems to be overprotective and controlling, which is the opposite of your mother, and getting mad at every little infraction seems like micromanaging and overbearing too. I could understand your reasoning for wanting to CTB to escape suffering and of course, as always any/all reason(s) are valid and CTB is a major decision. I hope you are able to find the peace you are seeking for as well as your mother.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

it seems really difficult to have one parent that while prioritized your well being (which is important) did not help you in the way that you wanted when you were younger

Tbh, I feel like she didn't even prioritize her daughter's well-being. An aspect of prioritizing your child's well-being is providing them with structure and ensuring that you set them up for a bright future. If she had noticed that her daughter was having issues with overeating and anxiety from a young age then she should have been looking into getting her all the proper support and treatment that she needed from a young age. She would not have just let her not go to school and would have made sure that she stayed on top of her schoolwork. She was a permissive parent from the sound of it.

@four_walls_girl I wonder if there are maybe some issues with your body's ability to send signals to the brain telling it that it's full. Also, you aren't a disappointment. This all seems to be the result of incredibly poor parenting. You don't seem to have been given proper structure and discipline as a child, let alone did your parents get you the help you needed. A lot of this could have been avoided if your mother worked harder to push you to do your school work and if both she and your father got you proper medical and psychological attention for your issues. Instead, your mother let you take large amounts of time off school since you were a young child and your father was an asshole. While I'm sure she is a lovely lady, your mother fucked up here. You shouldn't feel completely at fault for something that is partly on her. She was the one who decided to have you and she should have done more to ensure that you would never find yourself in this position.

 

[four_walls_girl]

This is literally so embarrassing and it's not even a few days later, why the fuck did I share so much like some weird attention seeking whore how the fuck do I delete this lmao

Tbh, I feel like she didn't even prioritize her daughter's well-being. An aspect of prioritizing your child's well-being is providing them with structure and ensuring that you set them up for a bright future. If she had noticed that her daughter was having issues with overeating and anxiety from a young age then she should have been looking into getting her all the proper support and treatment that she needed from a young age. She would not have just let her not go to school and would have made sure that she stayed on top of her schoolwork. She was a permissive parent from the sound of it.

@four_walls_girl I wonder if there are maybe some issues with your body's ability to send signals to the brain telling it that it's full. Also, you aren't a disappointment. This all seems to be the result of incredibly poor parenting. You don't seem to have been given proper structure and discipline as a child, let alone did your parents get you the help you needed. A lot of this could have been avoided if your mother worked harder to push you to do your school work and if both she and your father got you proper medical and psychological attention for your issues. Instead, your mother let you take large amounts of time off school since you were a young child and your father was an asshole. While I'm sure she is a lovely lady, your mother fucked up here. You shouldn't feel completely at fault for something that is partly on her. She was the one who decided to have you and she should have done more to ensure that you would never find yourself in this position.

There's literally so many ways I want to defend her cause she's amazing I and love her but they all just keep coming out as excuses that don't add anything.

I was an accident, she didn't even realise she was having me until a good few months later. We joke that I'm probably like this cause she drank and smoked a lot during term but I really can't blame her for any of this cause she just didn't know. I do think she feels guilty, but I really don't want her to, I just keep trying to understand her position from both her and my perspective but I'm not entirely good at that.


I completely forgot to add it in before posting and I can't edit it now, but I almost got sepsis as a baby and had to be rushed to the hospital cause my tubes were twisted, apparently I was completely blue and stopped breathing in the ambulance. I think that event traumatised her enough that she doesn't want anything else bad to happen to me, so she just let me do those things so I wouldn't hate her? Idk.

I don't, I just wish I didn't make it back then cause then I wouldn't have to be trying to go now lol.