non depressed people will never fully understand depression and im tired of dealing with that

[quietly_gone]

I've dealt with depression all my life and it wasn't until I finished college that it started becoming a major issue. My last year on university was so intense emotionally wise that I went through burnout, a psychotic episode and became agoraphobic.

My friends have always been supportive. When I started "dissapearing" from social media they were a bit confused and annoyed, but I managed to explain the way my episodes worked and they were understanding. But I think that is starting to fade and now I'm just a burden.

Whenever I say I can't go somewhere because I don't feel up to it (agoraphobia, lack of energy, anhedonia) they assume I haven't even tried to do so and the conversation always ends in a bitter note because they're very insistent and I am as well when it comes to my boundaries. I tell them that leaving the house is hard for me and they should always expect me to be late for things because I usually cry and try to calm myself down before leaving, but even then I can just feel the resentment hanging in the air. I've let them down so many times and I'm aware of that but I don't think they believe me when I say I'm trying my best.

For example, I struggle with weight gain and have been severely underweight since I was 15, which makes me struggle with very specific things, such as always being cold, constant appetite loss, etc (I don't have an ED diagnosis).

They are always silent when I bring up these things and because of that I started to avoid it. I felt like I was being one of those people who pretend being skinny is difficult.

Last month I went to sleep over with them and one of them said "Turns out the thing about skinny knees you said is actually true! Ever since I lost weight it's been so uncomfortable to sleep with my knees atop each other because they're bony now" and I just stared at them blankly because... Did you not believe me before? I only mentioned this in passing since it's a small issue, I needed an extra pillow to put between my legs and that was all. But hearing that kind of hurt? It made me reevealuate how they understood things I've said. This also happened with other stuff like insomnia. I'd explain it to them and they'd be like "yeah that sounds like it sucks" and later on one of them would start dealing with the same thing and be like "dude so it really is that bad". Like yep man it is. I told you so...

I'm constantly met with silence and "I'm here for you" but I think that at some level they find me dramatic. My friends aren't bad people, they just don't know what it's like. They don't know that it's possible to wake up every day and feel this overwhelming amount of sadness and dullness, and I hope they never have to. It's just tiring because no one believes how draining it all is until it happens to them.

It's all so alienating too because I know depression makes you feel alone and like no one understands you but truth is no one really can until they've gone through it themselves. It's sad but there will always be a barrier between me and them even if I do my best at communicating. I feel resentment growing every time I turn down an offer to go hang out. I'm always saying I'm sorry, but I don't think they believe me that much.

 

[BojackHorseman]

Your story is so sad, I'm so sorry that your friends are so indifferent to your struggles. They dont sound evil per se, but they definitely seem devoid of empathy and selfish. Please dont feel alone, I am positive most of us here understand and feel the same. I do my best not to make friends at work/school cause I know that leads to them wanting to be friends outside of work/school and I simply dont have the emotional/mental/physical capacity for that. I totally get what your saying about feeling invalidated by their comments of "wow that thing you said is actually true". That must be so frustrating and hurtful.
I have also experienced the frustration of trying to explain my situation to "regular" people. So many of them seem asolutely clueless, and good for them I suppose, they must be happy. But I dont see that as a valid excuse to invalidate others feelings and struggles. I used to try to explain myself, but honestly it felt like a loosing battle and I have mostly given up.
I wish I had advice but I dont know what to say. I know you dont want to hear "find new friends" cause it doesnt work like that and I am sure you probably still care for your current friends. Sorry I am of no help, but please atleast know your not alone ❤

 

[F&Inside]

Hello.
Never underestimate people because we don't really know if someone has experienced the same thing regardless of their behavior.

But if your friends do not really contribute to you and you think that in time it will not work out well, spend as little time as possible with them, wasting time with friendships that are not worth it is painful later, because they take away valuable time that you could have used to meet other people or to do something more productive.

 

[needthebus]

I've dealt with depression all my life and it wasn't until I finished college that it started becoming a major issue. My last year on university was so intense emotionally wise that I went through burnout, a psychotic episode and became agoraphobic.

My friends have always been supportive. When I started "dissapearing" from social media they were a bit confused and annoyed, but I managed to explain the way my episodes worked and they were understanding. But I think that is starting to fade and now I'm just a burden.

Whenever I say I can't go somewhere because I don't feel up to it (agoraphobia, lack of energy, anhedonia) they assume I haven't even tried to do so and the conversation always ends in a bitter note because they're very insistent and I am as well when it comes to my boundaries. I tell them that leaving the house is hard for me and they should always expect me to be late for things because I usually cry and try to calm myself down before leaving, but even then I can just feel the resentment hanging in the air. I've let them down so many times and I'm aware of that but I don't think they believe me when I say I'm trying my best.

For example, I struggle with weight gain and have been severely underweight since I was 15, which makes me struggle with very specific things, such as always being cold, constant appetite loss, etc (I don't have an ED diagnosis).

They are always silent when I bring up these things and because of that I started to avoid it. I felt like I was being one of those people who pretend being skinny is difficult.

Last month I went to sleep over with them and one of them said "Turns out the thing about skinny knees you said is actually true! Ever since I lost weight it's been so uncomfortable to sleep with my knees atop each other because they're bony now" and I just stared at them blankly because... Did you not believe me before? I only mentioned this in passing since it's a small issue, I needed an extra pillow to put between my legs and that was all. But hearing that kind of hurt? It made me reevealuate how they understood things I've said. This also happened with other stuff like insomnia. I'd explain it to them and they'd be like "yeah that sounds like it sucks" and later on one of them would start dealing with the same thing and be like "dude so it really is that bad". Like yep man it is. I told you so...

I'm constantly met with silence and "I'm here for you" but I think that at some level they find me dramatic. My friends aren't bad people, they just don't know what it's like. They don't know that it's possible to wake up every day and feel this overwhelming amount of sadness and dullness, and I hope they never have to. It's just tiring because no one believes how draining it all is until it happens to them.

It's all so alienating too because I know depression makes you feel alone and like no one understands you but truth is no one really can until they've gone through it themselves. It's sad but there will always be a barrier between me and them even if I do my best at communicating. I feel resentment growing every time I turn down an offer to go hang out. I'm always saying I'm sorry, but I don't think they believe me that much.

have you tried ketemine? they are doing it as an inhaler for depressed people, it's fast acting

i think your friends are probably being pretty nice and you are just depressed and they are doing the best they can

i agree that depression is extremely alienating and that it reduces the quality of friendships, but I am not sure if it's the fault of friends, it's more the fault of the disease. it's hard to maintain a friendship when you are sad

you sound cool. i hope you end up trying ketamine inhalations or something that works and you get to be more social. it's probably not that they find you dramatic, it's probably that when you don't go out and do things with friends, it's harder to maintain the friendship. i hope things work out for you somehow and you wind up ridiculously happy unexpectedly, or at least somewhat happy

 

[SketchTurner]

I've spent the last 15 years after I first got introduced to medicalised mindfulness trying to watch my depressive episodes, I've wrote notebooks of notes trying to describe it and create a description. In the moments my depression lifts the words are almost alien, I can't imagine it, despite spending thousands of days in it and only yesterday knowing it entirely. In a cognitive sense I now can but every time my depression lifts it's like a new day because I forget just how different it is to have a functioning mind. Watching the transition, seeing the mind change, and once capabilities come back one can't really access that.

Knowing that I really do believe it's almost impossible for the non-depressed to understand, if a person can't really "hold" that depressed mind in a relatable understanding. Similarly books and so on from people who overcame depression, depression as a memory is a totally different thing.

 

[cryone]

i know how it feels for people to be unable to grasp your difficulties. but it's an irrational mentality to be angry for the lack of understanding. there will always be someone suffering more than another person.

still, I 100% believe your friends need to empathize more. you don't have to completely understand what someone is going through to give them decent respect and empathy. If they don't understand that, they aren't good friends. There should be nothing wrong with declining invites, but i do understand their frustration with late arrivals, since this is my huge personal pet peeve. ive been in duo hangouts where the person doesn't arrive until over an hour later. it's is miserable, sometimes disrespectful, and my anxiety spikes. is there any way you could mentally prepare yourself earlier and try to make it earlier than later? I believe you're trying your hardest, but there r some practical changes that could b made w/o adding much stress.