Not improving in the ways that matter to me

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Hi all, I don't post so much anymore, as in general I'm trying to work through everything and keep myself busy.

The problem I'm having is that no matter how hard I try to work and get over it, my mind isn't meeting me halfway. I have posted in the past about my cognitive impairment/decline, and it's still very bad. It actually feels like it's getting worse. My mind has been swirling and feeling muddled since 2014. I can't follow conversations unless I really concentrate, and things like movies are just a blur, especially if they're a little involved or feature a plot twist.

I used to pride myself on my mind. I used to be very sharp. I speak several languages. I'm not an idiot, and I'm certainly not insane or a danger to anyone. But it feels like I have Alzheimer's. I know that realistically I don't, but nobody can help me. If I go get checked out, they scan my brain and just send me on my way. It's all still there, intact, but it's not working right. I'm a 6 cylinder engine running on 3.

It seems that nobody else knows what this feels like. Nobody can tell me what's causing it or why it happened, and of course as of right now there is no hope for feeling better. I had anxiety and depression for most of my life leading up to all this, and at some point it feels like my mind just sort of gave up and disconnected. I'm now just a floaty, absent-minded shell of my former self.

I am trying so hard to reconnect with the world. To get involved with people more and force myself into functioning better, but it's just not happening the way I need it to. I feel scared for my future, and I don't want to keep functioning this poorly.

On top of this, my energy level is less than zero. My limbs feel like lead. Any small effort feels like a mammoth task. It's been that way for years. It's as if I've been hit with a tranquilizer dart, both mentally and physically.

If any members, new or old, can identify with this, feel free to post. Other than that I guess this is just another rant into the void. What I wouldn't give for some way out of feeling like this.

 

[Circles]

Hi all, I don't post so much anymore, as in general I'm trying to work through everything and keep myself busy.

The problem I'm having is that no matter how hard I try to work and get over it, my mind isn't meeting me halfway. I have posted in the past about my cognitive impairment/decline, and it's still very bad. It actually feels like it's getting worse. My mind has been swirling and feeling muddled since 2014. I can't follow conversations unless I really concentrate, and things like movies are just a blur, especially if they're a little involved or feature a plot twist.

I used to pride myself on my mind. I used to be very sharp. I speak several languages. I'm not an idiot, and I'm certainly not insane or a danger to anyone. But it feels like I have Alzheimer's. I know that realistically I don't, but nobody can help me. If I go get checked out, they scan my brain and just send me on my way. It's all still there, intact, but it's not working right. I'm a 6 cylinder engine running on 3.

It seems that nobody else knows what this feels like. Nobody can tell me what's causing it or why it happened, and of course as of right now there is no hope for feeling better. I had anxiety and depression for most of my life leading up to all this, and at some point it feels like my mind just sort of gave up and disconnected. I'm now just a floaty, absent-minded shell of my former self.

I am trying so hard to reconnect with the world. To get involved with people more and force myself into functioning better, but it's just not happening the way I need it to. I feel scared for my future, and I don't want to keep functioning this poorly.

On top of this, my energy level is less than zero. My limbs feel like lead. Any small effort feels like a mammoth task. It's been that way for years. It's as if I've been hit with a tranquilizer dart, both mentally and physically.

If any members, new or old, can identify with this, feel free to post. Other than that I guess this is just another rant into the void. What I wouldn't give for some way out of feeling like this.

I'm just sorry you're feeling all this. I don't have any answers myself, I don't have the fortitude you have to endure all this especially to my thirties. I try not to expect anything good to change anymore even when I try. You're trying atleast and that's just all you can do sometimes. You're a strong person for trying and that's all that matters especially when the only person we have most of the time is ourselves. I know none of this will help, but I hope you've felt heard. Hugs to you man.

 

[woxihuanni]

Is there anything that is hijacking your mind? Some twisted life situation, some past fuck up that still weighs on you, anything?

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Thank you both. I do have some unresolved issues that I never fully dealt with (anxieties and trauma). I just wish life was fair, or at least gave me enough to keep going.

 

[woxihuanni]

Thank you both. I do have some unresolved issues that I never fully dealt with (anxieties and trauma). I just wish life was fair, or at least gave me enough to keep going.

I wish it hadn't given me anything other than bare survival even for a moment, then I wouldn't grieve the loss or lack of it.

 

[Jean4]

Thank you both. I do have some unresolved issues that I never fully dealt with (anxieties and trauma). I just wish life was fair, or at least gave me enough to keep going.

If you want to talk about it we are here and are good listeners. I know I spilled my guts for the first time here. Nobody is judgemental.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Are you maybe obsessing over this ?

When I was younger I was obsessed with 'being th great artist' and being unable to justify it with feeling completely culturally estranged .

That wheelbarrow of shit dtill get's pushed in front of me .

I'm just being inherently insensitive ,

(I'm spamming the board with hopeful mindful shit .
Such an arsehole .)

I'm one of many who have always liked your posts dude .

I'd like to think something clicks into place for you .

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I appreciate everyone. I sometimes wonder if I obsess over it too much, but it's formed such an obstacle in my life that it's proving impossible to overcome. I'm not one of these people who's incessantly negative just for the sake of it. In general I like to think that when all doors close, a window eventually opens.

I should add it comes with a permanent dizzy/off balance sensation which waxes and wanes, and often keeps me stuck at home. I have compared it all to what dissociation wants to be when it grows up. Of course, neurological testing is normal. Once in a while I find an internet post that describes what I feel, but it remains super obscure, apparently.

This is clearly the big challenge in my life, and I'm not always sure I have the strength to get past it.

 

[azucaramargo]

Hi all, I don't post so much anymore, as in general I'm trying to work through everything and keep myself busy.

The problem I'm having is that no matter how hard I try to work and get over it, my mind isn't meeting me halfway. I have posted in the past about my cognitive impairment/decline, and it's still very bad. It actually feels like it's getting worse. My mind has been swirling and feeling muddled since 2014. I can't follow conversations unless I really concentrate, and things like movies are just a blur, especially if they're a little involved or feature a plot twist.

I used to pride myself on my mind. I used to be very sharp. I speak several languages. I'm not an idiot, and I'm certainly not insane or a danger to anyone. But it feels like I have Alzheimer's. I know that realistically I don't, but nobody can help me. If I go get checked out, they scan my brain and just send me on my way. It's all still there, intact, but it's not working right. I'm a 6 cylinder engine running on 3.

It seems that nobody else knows what this feels like. Nobody can tell me what's causing it or why it happened, and of course as of right now there is no hope for feeling better. I had anxiety and depression for most of my life leading up to all this, and at some point it feels like my mind just sort of gave up and disconnected. I'm now just a floaty, absent-minded shell of my former self.

I am trying so hard to reconnect with the world. To get involved with people more and force myself into functioning better, but it's just not happening the way I need it to. I feel scared for my future, and I don't want to keep functioning this poorly.

On top of this, my energy level is less than zero. My limbs feel like lead. Any small effort feels like a mammoth task. It's been that way for years. It's as if I've been hit with a tranquilizer dart, both mentally and physically.

If any members, new or old, can identify with this, feel free to post. Other than that I guess this is just another rant into the void. What I wouldn't give for some way out of feeling like this.

Hello My Palmetto-State Pal,

I hate to imagine you in pain. A lot of your symptoms sound like medication side effects. Some of the mood-stabilizers cause cognitive decline and lethargy. I'm guessing that's not your issue. It does sound like you put an incredible amount of pressure on yourself. Also, these sound like depression symptoms. Are you determined not to take anti-depressants?

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Thanks Margo, I hope you are doing better these days. I am on celexa (an SSRI) but my symptoms started long before I began taking meds. Hopefully one day this will get figured out. I'm considering another round of testing, for all the good it will likely do.

 

[Final Escape]

I suspect it's complex ptsd. Yes over years of living with it, it begins to destroy you in ways exactly like you are expressing. One of my friends is going through EMDR and he says it's amazing. I began doing virtual emdr online because I can't get in touch with a therapist through the state run mental health service. So far I have noticed improved sleep and I'm a bit less weighed down by that heavy feeling and more manageable emotional state. Like some things lifted a bit. I'm hoping it frees up my mental capacity so I can begin to concentrate better again.

Since most people don't understand complex ptsd u should read complex ptsd from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. That's a really comprehensive one. They discuss a lot in it about how to heal. What it does to people and identifying what's happening to u and why. Or what's happened to u. You sound a lot like myself a freeze type. Like your trauma response leans toward freeze. There are 4 trauma responses, fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. A lot of mental disorders are these responses maladapted from childhood. They kept u safe then but they become ingrained and u still use them in adulthood unless u can fix it.

 

[SawItOnce]

This is clearly the big challenge in my life, and I'm not always sure I have the strength to get past it.

It surely is a big challenge, having something that is so obscure and also paralyzing in many ways. I do relate. Even if what I have is not quite the same, it is a weirdness in the functioning of an otherwise healthy brain, stuff that limits me incredibly and I can't approach anyone with this problem, bc all I get is shrugs or advices right out of point. I'm keeping my questions private now...

Please do find a way to get past it. With every person that wins their war, our world becomes one more worthy to live in. Wish you strength.

 

[azucaramargo]

Thanks Margo, I hope you are doing better these days. I am on celexa (an SSRI) but my symptoms started long before I began taking meds. Hopefully one day this will get figured out. I'm considering another round of testing, for all the good it will likely do.

I don't want to meddle or imply any medical expertise, but I just wonder why you're not taking more meds. Celexa is considered an off-label drug for anxiety. I know not everyone loves meds or has access to them,, or is willing to accept some of the side-effects, or wants to be dependent on chemicals, but it seems like you are consulting neurologists more often than psychiatrists. I wonder why you're not on additional anti-anxiety medications., or if any other medications have been discussed with you (e.g., atypical antipsychotics, SSNRIs, MAO inhibitors, cognition-enhancing medications like the ones used for Alzheimer's patients, or even stimulant medications [yes, I know this would be difficult with your anxiety, but just for conversation's sake with your psychiatrist]).

It seems strange to me that you would be kept on Celexa if there was minimal relief of your symptoms. Again, I have ZERO medical credentials, but I just want to make sure you a psychiatrist is aware of your symptoms.

Stress and depression can definitely compromise our mental agility, but it ain't permanent. I know the mental-health resources in our state are few and far between. But, for my money, it seems unusual that you keep having to shell out money for these brain scans rather than try different/additional medication regimens. And, I don't pretend to know about your insurance situation, etc. I remember you said your parents are British, and you are a man...I just hoping that your pride and your stiffing-upper-lippiing is not getting in the way of your dialogue with a psychiatrist. Sorry to impose.
Have you had your hormone levels checked? I would recommend asking your doctors about this, too.

 

[k75]

Thank you both. I do have some unresolved issues that I never fully dealt with (anxieties and trauma). I just wish life was fair, or at least gave me enough to keep going.

Forgive me if you've already answered this and I missed it, but are you in therapy? If not, it might be worth exploring. There are therapists that specifically work with trauma. Things like that could definitely cause the issues you're dealing with. Major depression alone can do that. People understand how bad it messes with your head and your ability to think and function.

How long have you been on Celexa? As far as antidepressants go, that's kind of a really mild one. It sounds like it's not working for you, and I really don't know why you should stick with it. Trintellix is one that worked for me in the past when I was feeling like you do. You might need more than one drug at a time.