Thekla
The Lord will take me home.
- May 29, 2024
- 50
I'm sorry if this sounds too explicit. I'm not really thinking about the structure of what I'm saying, just hoping it will make sense.
I consider myself asexual, I've never felt attraction towards people in my life. Like, I've never looked at a guy and was "turned on" by them. But occasionally, when talking to a guy or friend, my brain will start yelling at me: "You should rape him". It's not necessarily sexual, I'm not aroused by them, I don't know what else to call it.
I was never abused myself. At least, not by family or friends. I'm not entirely sure why I feel this way. I've heard a lot of women have rape fantasies, but they're usually on the "receiving side". These aren't so much intrusive thoughts, more like fantasies which appear at random which I need to consciously dispose of. As in, once I catch myself thinking about it, I need to hit myself metaphorically to get it to stop. I feel so awful for thinking like this.
It's not just sexual thoughts, it's about a lot of things. I take a walk every day and on one of my routes, there's a Chik-Fil-A surrounded by one of those fences with spikes.
Do you ever walk by one of those and think "what if I tripped and was decapitated in front of all these people". A "normal intrusive thought" would be reacted like "wow, that's awful, anyway—", while I would ponder on the idea for at least a few minutes. Thinking about the aftermath and how people would react. If people would scream or what people would be called to dispose of my body.
It's just weird.
I consider myself asexual, I've never felt attraction towards people in my life. Like, I've never looked at a guy and was "turned on" by them. But occasionally, when talking to a guy or friend, my brain will start yelling at me: "You should rape him". It's not necessarily sexual, I'm not aroused by them, I don't know what else to call it.
I was never abused myself. At least, not by family or friends. I'm not entirely sure why I feel this way. I've heard a lot of women have rape fantasies, but they're usually on the "receiving side". These aren't so much intrusive thoughts, more like fantasies which appear at random which I need to consciously dispose of. As in, once I catch myself thinking about it, I need to hit myself metaphorically to get it to stop. I feel so awful for thinking like this.
It's not just sexual thoughts, it's about a lot of things. I take a walk every day and on one of my routes, there's a Chik-Fil-A surrounded by one of those fences with spikes.
Do you ever walk by one of those and think "what if I tripped and was decapitated in front of all these people". A "normal intrusive thought" would be reacted like "wow, that's awful, anyway—", while I would ponder on the idea for at least a few minutes. Thinking about the aftermath and how people would react. If people would scream or what people would be called to dispose of my body.
It's just weird.
