This is a fairly pointless venting, moany, self indulgent thread, so feel free to ignore!
So much of my days seem to be spent not wanting to do what I have to do but then also, not particularly wanting an alternative either. It strikes me as if- that's surely when you know you're done right? When you don't even want anything anymore!
I'm finally reaching the end of a marathon slog of work. I thought I'd be relieved. I suppose I am in a way. It's nice to slow down to a nice leisurely pace at least.
Maybe I can't properly relax because the place is such a tip. Maybe it's because I know I've got the mamouth task of tidying/ cleaning ahead that I'm so grumpy. I hate domestic shit even more than work. It's really that it's all just shit though really. Life just seems like an endless conveyor belt of chores.
I sort of do still want to do some leisure things still. I'd like to go and visit some places. But then, I think about the effort and cost involved in doing that and wonder if it's worth it. I suppose life just feels tediously stupid!
I was probably better at doing things I didn't want to do when I was younger. I felt more shame about everywhere being a mess. Maybe I didn't, I still used to make a mess! But, maybe I was more enthusiastic in cleaning it up.
Do you ever wonder if all people feel like this? If it's this difficult for everyone? If it's more difficult for some people? I do at least mostly have my health- which I'm grateful for. I'd be even worse without it.
I'm just so annoyed that I'm alive really and that I'm expected to comply to supporting myself and being cheerful about it. That's what it comes down to I suppose.
My parents are starting to suffer with their health. My Dad is (naturally) worried about where it all might lead. They moved hundreds of miles away years ago. In their words- so that they wouldn't be a burden. Really, I think it's more that they wanted to retire somewhere pretty away from the burden of us. Now though, I think my Dad is worried/ probably annoyed that I am just going to leave them to it. I don't honestly know what I'll do if things get worse.
I told him I was worried too- everyone worries about old age. Especially if they will be on their own. He said we all have a responsibility to make sure we can financially support ourselves after retirement. I suppose he's right. I suppose that's reasonable for a 'normal' person.
Sometimes I just want to go pop though. Say that- maybe you were willing to accept and embrace that kind of life. Obviously you were. You even thought it was good enough to want to perpetuate the cycle. But, I'm not that person! I resent all of this and I also resent it that the only way out of this mess is to hurt myself via some brutal suicide method! I wonder if I will just say it one day. I think I slip up on more than enough hints to infer it but I suppose no parent wants to realise they've spawned a life that wants to die!
Anyhow. Thank you for reading- if you got this far. I realise these are far less severe problems than what some people are enduring here. It just helps to have a moan before I make myself get back on with something constructive. I expect there will be a lot of that in the coming weeks while I try to bribe myself through. I hope you all have as bearable days as possible. 'Good days' sound a bit too ambitious!
So much of my days seem to be spent not wanting to do what I have to do but then also, not particularly wanting an alternative either. It strikes me as if- that's surely when you know you're done right? When you don't even want anything anymore!
I'm finally reaching the end of a marathon slog of work. I thought I'd be relieved. I suppose I am in a way. It's nice to slow down to a nice leisurely pace at least.
Maybe I can't properly relax because the place is such a tip. Maybe it's because I know I've got the mamouth task of tidying/ cleaning ahead that I'm so grumpy. I hate domestic shit even more than work. It's really that it's all just shit though really. Life just seems like an endless conveyor belt of chores.
I sort of do still want to do some leisure things still. I'd like to go and visit some places. But then, I think about the effort and cost involved in doing that and wonder if it's worth it. I suppose life just feels tediously stupid!
I was probably better at doing things I didn't want to do when I was younger. I felt more shame about everywhere being a mess. Maybe I didn't, I still used to make a mess! But, maybe I was more enthusiastic in cleaning it up.
Do you ever wonder if all people feel like this? If it's this difficult for everyone? If it's more difficult for some people? I do at least mostly have my health- which I'm grateful for. I'd be even worse without it.
I'm just so annoyed that I'm alive really and that I'm expected to comply to supporting myself and being cheerful about it. That's what it comes down to I suppose.
My parents are starting to suffer with their health. My Dad is (naturally) worried about where it all might lead. They moved hundreds of miles away years ago. In their words- so that they wouldn't be a burden. Really, I think it's more that they wanted to retire somewhere pretty away from the burden of us. Now though, I think my Dad is worried/ probably annoyed that I am just going to leave them to it. I don't honestly know what I'll do if things get worse.
I told him I was worried too- everyone worries about old age. Especially if they will be on their own. He said we all have a responsibility to make sure we can financially support ourselves after retirement. I suppose he's right. I suppose that's reasonable for a 'normal' person.
Sometimes I just want to go pop though. Say that- maybe you were willing to accept and embrace that kind of life. Obviously you were. You even thought it was good enough to want to perpetuate the cycle. But, I'm not that person! I resent all of this and I also resent it that the only way out of this mess is to hurt myself via some brutal suicide method! I wonder if I will just say it one day. I think I slip up on more than enough hints to infer it but I suppose no parent wants to realise they've spawned a life that wants to die!
Anyhow. Thank you for reading- if you got this far. I realise these are far less severe problems than what some people are enduring here. It just helps to have a moan before I make myself get back on with something constructive. I expect there will be a lot of that in the coming weeks while I try to bribe myself through. I hope you all have as bearable days as possible. 'Good days' sound a bit too ambitious!
