Venting Not Me; wishing i was someone else; no self love

[Life_and_Death]

so this thought sprung from watching a fb video (its actually been awhile but why not get it out). completely unrelated to the video (to a degree depending on how you look at it), and this male had his finger nails painted. im not 100% sure if this exactly explains the feeling, but i liked the contrast. kind of how it didnt belong but it did. it kinda makes me wish i had "guy hands"

and then just in general. do you ever have any thoughts that come off as judgmental and offensive when in actuality its the exact opposite.

one of my biggest things is probably girls with short hair. "omg, how do you do that!?" i can see how it can come off like im saying its ugly or whatever, but im really not. i actually admire it. im not asking "how do you do that" because you "shouldnt be", but because i honestly want to know. id love to have the confidence to try short hair. but even aging (if i get that far), idky but a lot of people seem to have short hair and i cant see it, but long grey hair doesnt leave me feeling to good either.

and there was this other girl...boasting about how she put on weight and how shes 135lbs now. and she posted pictures in a bikini! and the best part.... most if not all of the comments were clean and encouraging! not derogatory and gross.

and when i think of myself i cant help wanting to change every part of me. i cant help wanting to cry, throw up, rip my heart out. vanish into nothing. feeling like im just something to be used

Spoiler: a more graphic replacement for "used

fucked

, and thrown away.
i dont want to be me. i dont want to be part of the human race. i dont want to exist. the more im alive the more thats just reinforced, im right, i dont want to be alive. i have no desire being in a world that defends making other people feel like shit and it pisses me off "things will get better". no, humans are always going to be assholes. if my only option in life is to hole up and be alone then whats the fucking difference if im alive or not. why are you trying to convince me to live for nothing? oh right, youre human. your selfish urges are overflowing and you want to "keep me", fuck that i spend my days literally counting the seconds closer to death. idk when it is, but i know im closer.

 

[Kibby]

yes i can relate. I think in general normal people can relate to being jealous of others a lot especially on social media. And yeah I tend to think of how I come off when it can mean two things. Like "Wow, I can't believe you are like that!" or something but its fine it depends on your tone and you can clarify after... but in terms of life Im completely apathetic to everything, other humans generally so predictable and boring yet theyre the only things that give me joy, for me as im male a cute girl maybe could give me some feelings or maybe anxiety when I talk but in the end they all disappoint or disgust me the only ones that are interesting to me are ones who talk about things deeply which seems to be depressed people. Idk its just rough. Apathetic and hate life ---> talking to people is the only cope ---> talking to people makes me hate life more. Its over. I wish I had more emotion but the only emotion I feel is anxiety and desire for money. I hate humans and myself. I wish I could change myself sm too. I wish I could even fucking say that i was a pos that deserved death but I was never even in an opportunity to be a cunt who pushed people away, there was just no one ever. Meh Im sleepy and im not sure if what I said makes sense its probably so disjointed. All I can say is I relate. If I could choose, I wish I could reincarnate into someone with a healthier brain and surroundings.