Story Not strong enough for friends?

[nerve]

I've spent so long trying to be somebody I'm not by attempting to be sociable or friendly and to be honest, I'm just so tired and have nothing to show for it. It'd be great if I could accept feeling lonely and not get so upset when I hear about other people who get to have friends and stuff. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself I don't need friends and I can get by on my own, my heart still breaks every time I'm reminded of what I'm missing out on.

I'm beginning to think I maybe lost the capacity to form relationships, if I ever had it. Maybe I'd be okay with this if I had something else to fill my life, like something I cared about, but I don't. And trying to find something like that has been another "square peg in a circle" situation and I'm just so exhausted of trying to siphon some form or pleasure or connection out of this planet. Even the consolation prizes of life seem out of reach.

The loneliness is eating me alive and I lack the required skills to do anything about it.

Sorry for posting something so self-indulgent and kind of worthless. I hope you can allow me this.

 

[CuddleHug]

I often post little journal-like threads like this. Writing things out often helps, even if only a tiny bit. Don't be sorry for sharing, it's not worthless if you feel lighter for telling someone about it. I don't have any actual feedback that can help you, but I just wanted to say that.

Hugs

 

[RealHumanBean]

Oh man, I have wished for so long that it would be acceptable to just be "boring". With friends it feels like there's always some obligation to do something. If you're just sitting at home and I'm just sitting at home, can't we just sit together in one of our homes and just chill out and exist in peace. I don't need to do stuff, I just want people to be around.

 

[stillweary]

I'm sort of in the same boat. I tried to make friends for years and gave up when I was 30. You can only try, analyze what went wrong, and re-try for so many years before accepting that it's just not going to happen for you. I've also managed to shut out my unsupportive family, who never managed to meet any emotional need that I had. Now, I find comfort in my own company. I would avoid human interaction entirely if it were financially feasible.

 

[ladolcemorte]

I've spent so long trying to be somebody I'm not by attempting to be sociable or friendly and to be honest, I'm just so tired and have nothing to show for it. It'd be great if I could accept feeling lonely and not get so upset when I hear about other people who get to have friends and stuff. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself I don't need friends and I can get by on my own, my heart still breaks every time I'm reminded of what I'm missing out on.

I'm beginning to think I maybe lost the capacity to form relationships, if I ever had it. Maybe I'd be okay with this if I had something else to fill my life, like something I cared about, but I don't. And trying to find something like that has been another "square peg in a circle" situation and I'm just so exhausted of trying to siphon some form or pleasure or connection out of this planet. Even the consolation prizes of life seem out of reach.

The loneliness is eating me alive and I lack the required skills to do anything about it.

Sorry for posting something so self-indulgent and kind of worthless. I hope you can allow me this.

I can relate to this. There was a time in my life when I had a little group of really good friends. Then they all disappeared. I'm not sure whether I did something to chase them away, or if maybe they were never very good friends to begin with. Either way, I'm alone now.

 

[I_love_to_bake]

I think hobbies and mutual interests are what usually bring people together. Most of us here are too depressed to enjoy any hobby though, unfortunately. I'm trying to find hiking groups

 

[sighingspider]

There are many people who just want to be with friends and not talk about anything. And that includes me. But I realise that the only way to achieve that is to have a very close bond with that friend. If you can form a bond that both friends don't even talk and just sit there, or walk. That is true friendship. I have 1, or had 1. But maybe just a suggestion, find a friend at the library then. Or a bookstore. In my perspective, people who go to places are more likely to respect your personal space and likings. You never know.

 

[LittleJem]

I found it hard to keep in touch with people because I was so depressed, and also when I was in touch with them and I'd meet up with them, I'd just feel tense and on edge and not be able to speak. I have just one or two friends left - and some more acquaintances, but haven't had a single social invitation all summer, apart from the one that my closest friend cancelled on the morning we were supposed to meet, and really abruptly. So I am feeling a bit that I have lost her too....but also what is the point, because I am not enjoying anything. Then another newer friend hasn't contacted me all of lockdown, so I think that is over (I did contact him once and asked him if I did anything to upset him, and while he said no, it's been months and he has not asked me how I am). Then finally, one more new friend, I had a meltdown because I was being bullied at work, and was so late for dinner at his house that he told me not to come. I begged him to give me another chance, but now he is not returning my calls.

The only other friend I saw more often - he used to fancy me and I've realised he still does, as he often says stuff that I find inappropriate and uncomfortable, event though I have told him I'm not interested and he knows I'm ill. So I am not meeting up with him again because that is not friendship and the inappropriate comments make me really uncomfortable.

Last night, I wanted to go out to dinner, and my boyfriend didn't want to come, and I realised that I just had no-one to go out with. I felt sick and had a headache anyway, so I called them up to cancel and I cried to the Samaritans for 20 mins, who were lovely.

I'm not sure I have friends in my future - it just doesn't seem to work for me - so it is just all loneliness.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I can definitely relate to OP, it was some 15years or so ago that I was initially thinking maybe I have lost the ability to make friendships. There are older people that no-one thinks o there boring or anything like that and just pass-by unnoticed, I don't care anymore or maybe I'm just one step closer to ctb, one of the BIG worrys is christmas and new years where everyone is expected to have done something.

 

[woxihuanni]

Oh man, I have wished for so long that it would be acceptable to just be "boring". With friends it feels like there's always some obligation to do something. If you're just sitting at home and I'm just sitting at home, can't we just sit together in one of our homes and just chill out and exist in peace. I don't need to do stuff, I just want people to be around.

There are cultures where friendship is mostly sitting over a drink and chatting about whatever. There are cultures where you have to bust your asshole to be allowed to spend time with anyone, treading their hamster wheel. In the latter kind of cultures, there is no friendship anywhere anyway. Oh, btw, you wanna come to yoga and then walk tourist-ridden, noisy, chaotic streets like a frantic little rat with me? Later on we can go do some japanese pottery or african pop dance

 

[Cherrypea]

I'm OK meeting new people but once I get to know someone I get worried they don't actually like me and are just seeing me to be polite. With groups of friends I'm anxious they are doing stuff without me. I wish I could just accept it and not want friends but I yearn for it and it upsets me a lot.