a.n.kirillov
velle non discitur
- Nov 17, 2019
- 1,831
Family dysfunction and trauma are like fate in a way. You see it in all your relatives, how their life path was laid out ahead of them long before they were even born. They were predestined to become alcoholics, narcissists, borderlines, codependants, unemployed and miserable. And then you begin seeing it in yourself. It drags you down into the same endless pit of misery. The alcoholic unemployed uncle you once resented, that you judged harshly because you were naive and thought you'd never end up like him because you're morally superior somehow; you see yourself becoming more and more like him, it's like being cursed and an invisible hand fucking up your life.
That's what fucks me up the most: that my suicide will mean that fate got the better of me. I will distribute the trauma down the line to my brother's children, to my extended family and the cycle of despair will continue on and on.
This makes me realize I still have a vision of myself: of being a responsible brother, a strong and free thinking individual who overcame the suppressive silence, the emotionally stunting environment of his backwards family, who got educated, overcame his fear and inhibition, etc.., etc...
So hard to let that die and admit defeat...
That's what fucks me up the most: that my suicide will mean that fate got the better of me. I will distribute the trauma down the line to my brother's children, to my extended family and the cycle of despair will continue on and on.
This makes me realize I still have a vision of myself: of being a responsible brother, a strong and free thinking individual who overcame the suppressive silence, the emotionally stunting environment of his backwards family, who got educated, overcame his fear and inhibition, etc.., etc...
So hard to let that die and admit defeat...