Venting not sure if CTB is for me

[ChaiTea]

im just documenting this for the sake of my shitty memory lmao

i have SN at home and plenty of water. im currently on a trip in a different country and i guess ive just been thinking. its not that i dont want to die but im not so sure i want to live. its been a few years of debating suicide (i think around 5 or so?). i haven't even looked at the stuff yet, i still have the box from CCS with my billing address. just moved houses too, about 30min from where everyone i know is from. if they see my scars again theyll put me back in the hospital.

i always hear to go forward. to keep going, to not stop even if im making little progress since progress is still progress. this is called happiness. its the little achievement that gives me happiness

but what does that matter? and why do i crave something that matters? im only human so i guess its in my selfish nature. but im stuck in between existence and not being real. the fine line between depression and maturity. i don't know. i guess im confused. and i don't think ill ever know. maybe i haven't fully comprehended that thought yet and maybe i never will

selfishness keeps us alive and its in our nature. is that inherently a bad thing? theyre watching me i cant say any more

im not sure if suicide is for me anymore

 

[IBM0000]

You're not immature or stupid for something that wasn't your fault, even if you think it was.