NSFW not sure if i was raped

[justfloating]

I know this is a little different to what is perhaps normally posted on here but I'm not sure if what happens classes as rape and i don't have anyone in my life i can talk about it with.

Basically, i met this guy off tinder and we went up to my flat and got in my bed. We started making out and and i gave him a hand job, all fine. Then he put his fingers in me which i felt weird about but i was fine with, at this point i told him that i didn't want to go all the way and he didn't say anything. Then he got on top of me and i knew he wanted to put it in so i said again that i didn't want to go all the way, which he ignored again. Anyways we had sex and i just laid there because i was like 'is this actually happening', then after we laid in bed together for like 15 mins chatting before he left.

So im not sure if this classes as rape because obvi i let him in and let things get sexual. Also if i had wanted to i could have pushed him off or shouted, and i think he would have stopped. And the fact we just laid there together after isn't very rapey. It's just that i never gave consent, and specifically said no.

To say that i was raped feels like a lie because it was over in a couple on minutes and it was kind of my fault. And what happens to other people who are raped is always way worse.

Anyways i don't have anyone in my life i can talk to about this because all my friends just don't care when I've stated to try talk about it. I just think about it every day.

 

[foxdie]

In my opinion, you are victim blaming yourself. If you said you didn't want to go all the way that's enough, regardless of what else happened to you. He ignored this. Not your fault and the time is irrelevant. And if you were okay with it, I doubt you'd post this. Just my opinion. I'm so sorry this happened to you

 

[_Kaira_]

I'm so sorry you went through this.. Rape doesn't always involve yelling and beatings. But from what you said, you clearly told him you weren't interested with further stages of intimacy, which he didn't respect and ignored your pleas. Yes you met him off tinder, yes you guys started going at it in your home. But once you say 'no, I don't want this' and they continue...that's crossing a line.

"Is this actually happening" Sounds like shock. A person should respect 'no' when they hear it. No matter the circumstances when it comes to getting frisky.

Do not blame yourself. I've been in this situation as well, and it boils my blood when I see others have been through something so traumatizing like this.

I'm so so sorry.

 

[darksideofthebright]

OP, I am so sorry that you have experienced that. That is NOT okay, and personally, that was something I struggled with myself before, so I hope I can give you some insights, both legally speaking and morally speaking.

Legally speaking, that is rape, you can find out about it here. As long as it involves penetration without consent, it is rape. I know that that is the definition by the FBI, but sexual assault is something against the laws in most countries, and they all are similar, to a certain extent. So, going off this, it was rape in your case.

Morally speaking, it doesn't matter what you do or not, if you clearly said no in this situation, then no one had the rights in any senses in the world to go against your will. You also need to know it's never your fault that that's happened, and your sufferings are valid. Don't compare your sufferings with others, OP. Your feelings and what happened to you matter just as much!

If you can and if you want to, it maybe a good idea to get in touch with sexual assault/rape hotlines where you are.

I wish you nothing but best in life OP. I know we are just strangers to each other, but this is something I used to struggle with a lot and tore myself apart for it much later on, and I genuinely don't want you to have to go through that process the way I did!

 

[ecmnesia]

absolutely not your fault. you are the victim. you clearly stated that you didn't wish to continue, you were coerced. how much it last doesn't matter.

when in a situation like this it's extremely difficult for the victim to keep resisting. the feeling of being powerless is overwhelming and we kind of freeze, just waiting for it to end.

i feel you and i am terribly sorry that happened to you. if you need to talk please reach out, you are not alone. and please do not blame yourself, that's unfortunately extremely common with rape victims, we feel ashamed and like the fault is upon us, but it's not, you did nothing wrong.

 

[waterstrider]

Yes, this definitely counts as rape.
It has happened to me before as well, in a very similar fashion as you described.
If he had even an ounce of human decency he wouldn't have continued.
You clearly said you didn't want to continue...even if you hadn't said a word - he should have made sure and asked you every step of the way if you are still feeling fine.
Some people are just scum...and we are the ones who are suicidal. I can't even.

I'm so sorry you had to experience this. If you're brave you can still call him out on his bullshit otherwise block him and try to move on.

 

[ecmnesia]

If you can and if you want to, it maybe a good idea to get in touch with sexual assault/rape hotlines where you are.

this.

 

[Isadeth]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are not alone here. Just because it wasn't or didn't seem violent doesn't mean it was not rape.

Anytime you say no or express unwillingness to have sex and they continue it's rape.

I've posted here before about an experience I unfortunately had with rape. My inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to... whether it's about this or everyday things.

I hope you're doing well, and if not, I can help you find resources to help cope if you'd like. ♡

 

[Shotgunjohn]

im so sorry you had to experience that... im glad that you were able to open up to us about what happened. its not healthy to keep things like that bottled in. i hope you can recover from this.

 

[lost guy]

In my opinion as a male, it is considered rape.

 

[justfloating]

Thanks for all the support guys, it means a lot.

Its been just over two months since it happens and its only been the last couple weeks I've realised what happened wasn't okay. The guy technically took my virginity so i was more focused on that than the fact i never said yes. And its because of that i don't believe in my head its rape, because if it was i should have seen it instantly from that pop.

I won't be going to the police, because i don't think he realises it might have been rape, i don't think it was his intention. Another reason in my head i can't see it as rape.

But i know that if a friend told me this happened to her i would definitely see it as rape.

confusing times :/

 

[bov]

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

i don't think he realises it might have been rape, i don't think it was his intention.

I'm really sorry you went through this. If was rape. You said no twice and he just went on ahead.

If it's okay to ask, why do you think he doesn't realize it and that it wasn't his intention? If you don't feel like saying, that's totally okay, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. You can just ignore my comment and I won't think anything of it. I'm just sincerely curious since he so obviously did, and I don't know how any guy in the West this day and age hasn't heard that no means no and ignoring that equals rape. I'm trying to be supportive, but if that kind of support doesn't feel comfortable right now, I have lots of compassion and empathy for that and am sincerely happy to back off. Whatever you think is best and prefer, I'm cool with.

 

[justfloating]

I'm really sorry you went through this. If was rape. You said no twice and he just went on ahead.

If it's okay to ask, why do you think he doesn't realize it and that it wasn't his intention? If you don't feel like saying, that's totally okay, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. You can just ignore my comment and I won't think anything of it. I'm just sincerely curious since he so obviously did, and I don't know how any guy in the West this day and age hasn't heard that no means no and ignoring that equals rape. I'm trying to be supportive, but if that kind of support doesn't feel comfortable right now, I have lots of compassion and empathy for that and am sincerely happy to back off. Whatever you think is best and prefer, I'm cool with.

its okay i'm completely okay to answer

as bad as it sounds he just doesn't seem like a rapist. You know, we laid there after and talked, he kissed me goodbye. i just don't in my heart feel like he meant to do it. And he genuinely looks and seems like a nice guy. Also he never unmatched me on tinder or blocked my snap which i feel like he would do if he realised it might be rape.

but then on the other hand i did say no and he ignored me

 

[demuic]

its okay i'm completely okay to answer

as bad as it sounds he just doesn't seem like a rapist. You know, we laid there after and talked, he kissed me goodbye. i just don't in my heart feel like he meant to do it. And he genuinely looks and seems like a nice guy. Also he never unmatched me on tinder or blocked my snap which i feel like he would do if he realised it might be rape.

but then on the other hand i did say no and he ignored me

A lot of people don't "seem" like a rapist, but they are. Just look at all the accusations against famous people that have come out in the last few years. Anyone can be a rapist, even (perhaps especially) "nice guys". There are a lot of people who are very good at hiding just how despicable they are. Or just don't care that they've taken advantage of someone, which they feel like they can get away with because they're such a "nice guy".

I hope I don't sound like I'm being critical of you. I just feel like this line of thinking isn't a good one, and can lead to some toxic behaviors and mindsets, like self-blaming.

I'm sorry for what you went through. I hope you can find the resources to help feel supported.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

its okay i'm completely okay to answer

as bad as it sounds he just doesn't seem like a rapist. You know, we laid there after and talked, he kissed me goodbye. i just don't in my heart feel like he meant to do it. And he genuinely looks and seems like a nice guy. Also he never unmatched me on tinder or blocked my snap which i feel like he would do if he realised it might be rape.

but then on the other hand i did say no and he ignored me

Hmm, Ted Bundy didn't seem like a serial killer, either.

Okay, talking to you like a caring aunt or big sister, or like your irl friends would have talked to you if they had a clue.

I'd leave him on Tinder and Snap but not communicate with him at all, only use the platforms as evidence. I'd report him to the police, keep a baseball bat by the door, start carrying mace, and go to a self-defense class right away. I'd research what to expect from a police investigation so as not to be caught off guard, and ask for a victim advocate first thing (or look that up even before reporting, as well as call RAINN for advice). This guy is likely a serial rapist, so if the police aren't already investigating him, they may discover he is if they get a warrant to check his Tinder and Snap accounts and talk to other women he's met up with. Whatever you do, don't respond to any message he sends you, it's called hoovering, it's a tactic. Write down every time you talked to him and saw him, every detail you can remember.

Most importantly, do not blame yourself for what you could not know. Dudes like this have a pattern, they know who and how to target. That's on him, not you.

I wish I could go to the police with you and have your back through this. I can be such an amazing bulldog. Seriously, I hope you'll call RAINN and see about getting an advocate.

I hope you'll be gentle, compassionate and patient with yourself. And I advise you don't take any new PMs here from anyone you weren't already PMing with. There are sick people who will want to take advantage of you being in a vulnerable state. I'd go bulldog on such people, too, if I could.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Sounds like he absolutely knew what he was doing, and knew just how far he could go to get his way without making it seem like out and out rape.
Which implies that he may have experience in doing this.

Don't let yourself get caught up in a stockholm syndrome response, or fall for any gaslighting he may throw your way.

 

[puppy9]

I'm really sorry op

As a male point of view, it's rape. You're a victim.

 

[Ghost2211]

he very much was able to understand that you were saying no, and he pushed the boundary anyway. That is absolutely rape, especially because you feel raped. If it was an OK consensual experience you wouldn't feel like you were ignored or your feelings disregarded. I'm sorry you went through that.

 

[Meditation guide]

Yes you were.

 

[HadEnough1974]

I know this is a little different to what is perhaps normally posted on here but I'm not sure if what happens classes as rape and i don't have anyone in my life i can talk about it with.

Basically, i met this guy off tinder and we went up to my flat and got in my bed. We started making out and and i gave him a hand job, all fine. Then he put his fingers in me which i felt weird about but i was fine with, at this point i told him that i didn't want to go all the way and he didn't say anything. Then he got on top of me and i knew he wanted to put it in so i said again that i didn't want to go all the way, which he ignored again. Anyways we had sex and i just laid there because i was like 'is this actually happening', then after we laid in bed together for like 15 mins chatting before he left.

So im not sure if this classes as rape because obvi i let him in and let things get sexual. Also if i had wanted to i could have pushed him off or shouted, and i think he would have stopped. And the fact we just laid there together after isn't very rapey. It's just that i never gave consent, and specifically said no.

To say that i was raped feels like a lie because it was over in a couple on minutes and it was kind of my fault. And what happens to other people who are raped is always way worse.

Anyways i don't have anyone in my life i can talk to about this because all my friends just don't care when I've stated to try talk about it. I just think about it every day.

If you said no and he continued, it's rape. It was non consensual. The fact that you didn't push him off you doesn't mean "ok fuck me".

Yes, some people have it worse. Please google "tea consent" on YouTube and watch the video.

 

[iftheworldwasending]

i'm so fucking sorry you went through this, b. i've been here too, you feel like well maybe because i didn't stop it in that sense, it was considered consensual and i just want to tell you that it wasn't, your feelings are VALID, you are loved and beautiful, and this does not define who you are as a person.
you will get through this. pls PM me if you need someone to talk to, okay?

 

[botanormal]

I am so so sorry you had to go through that. Yes, it is absolutely, undoubtedly rape. And no, it is in no way whatsoever your fault. When you're put into a situation like that, it can be so difficult to know how to react, or what to do. Your body can freeze up, your mind can go blank, and it can feel like all you're able to do is react to what's happening. Consent requires a clear yes, and you can retract that consent at any time you want. Interactions like this require both people to be completely comfortable, and if someone isn't, the other person should stop immediately. That is something you know, it is something I know, and so it is definitely something he knows, yet he chose to ignore that fact for his own enjoyment. I'm sorry if I'm coming across a little harsh, because you're definitely not the one who needs to be hear that right now. I just hope you do follow your gut instinct that's telling you something's wrong, because it really was wrong.

From reading through the replies, I think everybody else has expressed my exact thoughts. I just want you to know that this doesn't define you, it defines him. Even if he doesn't seem like the 'rapist type', he most certainly is, so please don't let him manipulate you in any way. Even someone you're extremely close to, and care a lot about, can end up doing something like this. So even if he seemed nice and respectable, it does in no way change what he did.

Whatever you choose to do from here onwards, just know that you are not alone. Everything you're feeling right now is completely valid, and you deserve all the love and support in the world. Take things at your own pace, okay? And if you ever need to talk, we're all right here. I'm sending you the biggest hugs right now, and good luck with everything moving forward.

 

[Apathy79]

Have you got a therapist you can talk to about it? I'd start there if possible. Take your time processing things. It's worthwhile having someone who knows what they're doing to nut it out with. You can always report it later too if you decide to go that way.

 

[justfloating]

Have you got a therapist you can talk to about it? I'd start there if possible. Take your time processing things. It's worthwhile having someone who knows what they're doing to nut it out with. You can always report it later too if you decide to go that way.

i did have a therapist but I've moved away from them since. I couldn't afford it on my own anyway so would have to tell my parents and that's something im not doing because they would thing im suicidal again and id have to explain that this happened.

i can't see it helping because im not struggling with what happened due to the fact im yet to accept it

 

[sadworld]

That's definitely not okay and completely fucked up. Uhh I hate humans.

 

[JustABunchOfAtoms]

Basically, i met this guy off tinder and we went up to my flat and got in my bed. We started making out and and i gave him a hand job, all fine. Then he put his fingers in me which i felt weird about but i was fine with,

Previous sexual activity doesn't indicate consent. Even if you consented before, you are free to change your mind and say "no" at anytime.

at this point i told him that i didn't want to go all the way and he didn't say anything.

This is a clear indication you don't want to have sex with him. IT'S RAPE!

Then he got on top of me and i knew he wanted to put it in so i said again that i didn't want to go all the way, which he ignored again.

You didn't consent twice. Definite rape

So im not sure if this classes as rape because obvi i let him in and let things get sexual.

If you "let things get sexual", no matter how sexual they get and don't consent, then IT'S RAPE. I think in my country we have a government PSA about it if you want to see it.

Also if i had wanted to i could have pushed him off or shouted, and i think he would have stopped.

Have you heard of the fight or flight response? Well there's a third response called "freeze". That's what you did. And it's perfectly nature. It doesn't mean, it's not rape. It IS rape.

And the fact we just laid there together after isn't very rapey.

Another common respond to rape is denialism. It's the first stage of the 5 stages of grief. That's properly why you talked to your rapist. And you were probably scared and anxious. Being polite to attacks is how people survive.

It's just that i never gave consent, and specifically said no.

The very definition of rape is "sexual intercourse without consent". Therefore it was rape. If you take one thing from this long post, I want you to take this.

To say that i was raped feels like a lie because it was over in a couple on minutes and it was kind of my fault. And what happens to other people who are raped is always way worse.

That's like saying that being murdered by a shotgun isn't murder because it's a relatively peaceful way to die. And people are brutality murder by being beaten to death etc.

I just think about it every day.

If you ask yourself "was I raped?" 99% of the time you probably were. And you 100% were raped. No doubt in my mind.

Go to the police. Make sure you don't wash the clothes you were wearing. Don't take a shower.

Apply for rape counselling.

 

[bpdteacher]

I'm so sorry you went through this. I went through a really similar experience, with a friend. I wanted to share with you what happened next for me-not to 'guilt' you into reporting it, but to give you some additional perspective.

I also did not report my rape to the police initially because like you, it didn't feel to me like 'proper rape' because we'd laid in bed together after. He was my friend (one of my closest) and we'd had casual sex previously so I figured if anything it was 'accidental rape' at worst. But I'd clearly, definitely said no on this occasion (I had a boyfriend now and I'm not a cheater). I stopped talking to the guy after this happened and thought that was that, and tried to come to terms with things.

Until a couple of months later when a mutual friend came to me upset that he'd now done the same to her. She'd gotten drunk with him after a night out, fallen asleep in his bed and he used that to his advantage. Again, she'd clearly said no.

I reported it to the police then, as did she, because twice didn't feel like an 'accident' any more. Unfortunately, as expected, they couldn't charge him as there wasn't enough evidence etc but the bit that bothered me more was the absolute guilt I felt that my actions might have led to him feeling 'enabled' to do that again, to someone else. This was over a year ago now and it still really haunts me.

So I get that you feel like your feelings aren't valid, and that he might not know what he'd done etc (btw your feelings ARE all valid), but he has committed a crime, and might go on to do it again.

It is YOUR choice what happens next, no-one else's. All I wanted to do was add another perspective to help you make an informed decision, when you're ready. I'm truly, truly sorry you went through that, especially with your virginity as well. Please continue to post/vent/talk in general about it all if that helps you get through this.

Big hugs.

 

[justfloating]

I'm so sorry you went through this. I went through a really similar experience, with a friend. I wanted to share with you what happened next for me-not to 'guilt' you into reporting it, but to give you some additional perspective.

I also did not report my rape to the police initially because like you, it didn't feel to me like 'proper rape' because we'd laid in bed together after. He was my friend (one of my closest) and we'd had casual sex previously so I figured if anything it was 'accidental rape' at worst. But I'd clearly, definitely said no on this occasion (I had a boyfriend now and I'm not a cheater). I stopped talking to the guy after this happened and thought that was that, and tried to come to terms with things.

Until a couple of months later when a mutual friend came to me upset that he'd now done the same to her. She'd gotten drunk with him after a night out, fallen asleep in his bed and he used that to his advantage. Again, she'd clearly said no.

I reported it to the police then, as did she, because twice didn't feel like an 'accident' any more. Unfortunately, as expected, they couldn't charge him as there wasn't enough evidence etc but the bit that bothered me more was the absolute guilt I felt that my actions might have led to him feeling 'enabled' to do that again, to someone else. This was over a year ago now and it still really haunts me.

So I get that you feel like your feelings aren't valid, and that he might not know what he'd done etc (btw your feelings ARE all valid), but he has committed a crime, and might go on to do it again.

It is YOUR choice what happens next, no-one else's. All I wanted to do was add another perspective to help you make an informed decision, when you're ready. I'm truly, truly sorry you went through that, especially with your virginity as well. Please continue to post/vent/talk in general about it all if that helps you get through this.

Big hugs.

i know that im not going to report this to the police as there is no evidence of anything at all and the messages between us on socials show i was the one that initiated. plus doing that would make a big fuss and my family would find out which just isn't something i want to deal with.

i no longer have any contact with him because i don't know him at all, the last time we spoke was like a couple days after it happened. in my heart i don't feel like he is the type of person that does this i just think he's an idiot, which again is why i don't feel like i can call it rape yanno.

 

[Lucifer'sRight]

I know this is a little different to what is perhaps normally posted on here but I'm not sure if what happens classes as rape and i don't have anyone in my life i can talk about it with.

Basically, i met this guy off tinder and we went up to my flat and got in my bed. We started making out and and i gave him a hand job, all fine. Then he put his fingers in me which i felt weird about but i was fine with, at this point i told him that i didn't want to go all the way and he didn't say anything. Then he got on top of me and i knew he wanted to put it in so i said again that i didn't want to go all the way, which he ignored again. Anyways we had sex and i just laid there because i was like 'is this actually happening', then after we laid in bed together for like 15 mins chatting before he left.

So im not sure if this classes as rape because obvi i let him in and let things get sexual. Also if i had wanted to i could have pushed him off or shouted, and i think he would have stopped. And the fact we just laid there together after isn't very rapey. It's just that i never gave consent, and specifically said no.

To say that i was raped feels like a lie because it was over in a couple on minutes and it was kind of my fault. And what happens to other people who are raped is always way worse.

Anyways i don't have anyone in my life i can talk to about this because all my friends just don't care when I've stated to try talk about it. I just think about it every day.

Yes, you were raped. And NO it's not your fault for fuck's sake, how could it possibly be your fault? You should really consider letting other women know because this sick fuck is probably capable of much more. Did you think about what he'd do if you'd have said no from the start? Chances he would do it anyway are quite big. Please don't think bad of yourself because of a fucking rapist, and seriously consider doing something about it, because HE WILL do it again to someone else. That's what RAPISTS do. They rape. The fact that you had a chat with him afterwards suggests that (I'm sorry I'm going to be straight forward, because I actually care about you) you need to educate yourself THOROUGHLY in what sexual abuse, sexual harassment and CONSENT are. And what a victim- perpetrator interaction is. You should really gain some knowledge in that respect.

in my heart i don't feel like he is the type of person that does this

Yes he is PRECISELY the type of person that does this, he just did it to you. There is no "type" for people like that. It's not like you meet so many in your life you can make up a type out of it.

I won't be going to the police, because i don't think he realises it might have been rape, i don't think it was his intention. Another reason in my head i can't see it as rape.

For fuck's sake, girl, I'm sorry, but THIS IS A NO FROM ME. I'm sorry I'm being rough, but you need help in this respect. You HAVE TO contact someone who specialises in this, because you'll be treated like complete shit if you don't get the ethics right. This is not a joke. Look how many women in here experienced that already, this is exactly how guys like this are conditioned to do MORE of that. Feel free to dm me, I'm happy to help you, but expect only truth.
Also, I hope he meets a very horny gay version of a "nice guy" in a dark alley.