Venting Not wanting to get better

[Loona KLD]

So I had a conversation with a close friend of mine, they suffer from depression and they began taking antidepressants, they said that it feels great and that it really helps them, they told me that I too should take it, that it could change my life.

But the thing is that I don't want to, I want my life to get worst, I want to find the strength to finish it, even if someone could give me all the things that I want at the end of the day I would still choose to end it.

I can't explain it but I just want to die, i don't want to face reality, I don't want to get better, in fact I'm afraid of getting better. Yesterday I put 25g of SN in front of me and it scared me, how can I use it if it scares me? How should I deal with it?

 

[SVEN]

Store it safely away, relax safe in the knowledge that you now have it for when you are ready and build up the other products recommended to be taken.
When you're ready to go, everything is available. If you never reach that point, then that's okay too.

 

[pain6batch9]

I was given SSRIs by the Doc. Turned me into a zombie. I reckon I'd rather suffer than have the intelligence knocked out of me. The self is important. It might be messed up but if the alternative is zombie or pain, I choose pain.

 

[AbusedInnocent]

Maybe draw a smiley face on the SN container to make it less scary?

SOwOdium Nitrite :3

 

[Holu]

I have felt the same way for a very long time. I've told my parents, a handful of therapists, my psychiatrist, and two of my close(now deceased :( friends). I don't want to improve. It's not that I don't know how to(at least roughly). It's not that I don't have the energy to. It's that ultimately, my belief is that regardless of improvement, the ingrained nihilism and self awareness that has existed for the past 10-12 years of my experience on this earth has made it so that regardless my suffering will be present. I have learned to hate existence, and to believe(understand) sentience is suffering. My ideal petty suicide unironically would be at the peak of my life, where my family would assume I'm better and happy, just out of complete spite and disregard for happiness and life to prove a point that I care not for improvement and am self destined for an early death.

As for the fear thing, that reminds me of my friend, who couldn't go through with her attempt and at least currently has been changed by her failed SN attempt to at least temporarily cling to life. But more common than her is that despite your fear, when the time comes, and you are completely out of willpower to live, your survival instincts will be overcome and you will pass. It's not so much that you beat the fear, but just accept it, and disregard or push through it. It might linger even after swallowing, but if you're dedicated to death, you will die, even if it takes multiple tries. So dont stress the fear, if your mind is as made up as it sounds, you will be fine in due time.

Whatever happens I hope for you the best, and that whatever path you ultimately choose goes smoothly. I'm sorry to hear you suffer.

 

[Loona KLD]

Store it safely away, relax safe in the knowledge that you now have it for when you are ready and build up the other products recommended to be taken.
When you're ready to go, everything is available. If you never reach that point, then that's okay too.

I've put in a safe place, it's closed and all, I just wanted to see how much 25g of it looks like and then I filled a glass with 50ml, I didn't meant to dissolve it just to look at it.

I thought that when I'll have all the ingredients I'll feel more at peace but it didn't came, I'm more anxious then ever.

Maybe draw a smiley face on the SN container to make it less scary?

SOwOdium Nitrite :3

I might actually do it, the label that is

 

[BojackH]

I'm exactly like you. Don't want things to better but rather worse. Sending hugs to you

 

[Loona KLD]

I have felt the same way for a very long time. I've told my parents, a handful of therapists, my psychiatrist, and two of my close(now deceased :( friends). I don't want to improve. It's not that I don't know how to(at least roughly). It's not that I don't have the energy to. It's that ultimately, my belief is that regardless of improvement, the ingrained nihilism and self awareness that has existed for the past 10-12 years of my experience on this earth has made it so that regardless my suffering will be present. I have learned to hate existence, and to believe(understand) sentience is suffering. My ideal petty suicide unironically would be at the peak of my life, where my family would assume I'm better and happy, just out of complete spite and disregard for happiness and life to prove a point that I care not for improvement and am self destined for an early death.

As for the fear thing, that reminds me of my friend, who couldn't go through with her attempt and at least currently has been changed by her failed SN attempt to at least temporarily cling to life. But more common than her is that despite your fear, when the time comes, and you are completely out of willpower to live, your survival instincts will be overcome and you will pass. It's not so much that you beat the fear, but just accept it, and disregard or push through it. It might linger even after swallowing, but if you're dedicated to death, you will die, even if it takes multiple tries. So dont stress the fear, if your mind is as made up as it sounds, you will be fine in due time.

Whatever happens I hope for you the best, and that whatever path you ultimately choose goes smoothly. I'm sorry to hear you suffer.

I'm sorry to hear about your friends, I too came to the realization that life is ultimately meaningless, if everything that ever existed will die then what's the point? Making money? Seeing our world run down by psychopaths? I've reasons to die but the two main ones are loneliness and financial stress. I've to die so my family could get the insurance, they'll at least have the chance to buy themselves a better live. Thank you for reassuring me that I'll make it through, I bought a ton of diazepam to fight the SI, I hope that when the time will come I'll make it.

I'm exactly like you. Don't want things to better but rather worse. Sending hugs to you

Sending hugs back to you, btw is your username a reference to Bojack Horseman?

 

[grungy自殺]

This is exactly how i feel before when the thoughts where becoming more perpetual and even now.

I'm starting to also feel that literally i want to do take my own life for the sake of fulfilling a lost long desire that i couldn't achieve when i was still a vulnerable young teenager, and it's the result of being left all alone with no direction to take and being beaten down by ruthless judgement..

Death for me is the most liberating thing that i really want especially since i no longer feel grateful for life now and literally as i learn more about this world, the more exposure i see on how god awful human beings can be .

and i'm starting to believe that the concept of "getting better" is slow and steadily getting more and more tainted as i keep getting thoughts about how my life should've been if i was still a goddamn TEEN..

despise being an adult so much

SO FUCKING MUCH