Notes from residential

[willitpass]

I feel so hopeless. Helpless. Nearly 10 weeks into this stay and haven't made a bit of progress but now can't leave. After attempting to sign myself out last week I'm considered an elopement risk now even though I never threatened to run away or attempted to leave without permission. I simply signed the paperwork and said (I will admit not in the nicest way possible, I was much more rude than I ever am. It was very out of character for me, I was withdrawing from a med, not an excuse for my behavior of course) I wanted to leave ASAP. And with them telling my dad he should get an emergency conservator ship over me I need to be on my best behavior to make sure that doesn't happen. I'm overstimulated. I'm tired. I am frustrated. I am annoyed. I'm depressed. I'm suicidal as fuck.

I want nothing more than to CTB. The idea of setting myself on fire runs on repeat through my head day in and day out. I stopped fearing the idea weeks ago. I know that will be what kills me. One day I will do it. I can only hope it's sooner rather than later. The thought of it alone is its own form of hell. I just want it to be over and done. Stop being tortured by my mind, and by the thought of the most agonizing death possible, and see what meets us on the other side. I hope it's nothing. I've thought enough for a billion lifetimes, oblivion sounds so peaceful.

God help me.

 

[willitpass]

My hope only seems to be dwindling by the day. The little, microscopic seed of hope that drew me to the hospital has gone. I am not longer fearing I am delaying the inevitable, I know I am. And there is nothing I can do about it. I know lying my way out of here is an option, but I genuinely don't know if I have it in me to lie anymore. I lied for years and years about everything. And it was exhausting. And I am exhausted. I suppose I could try lying only about my intent to act. Say that I'm still passively suicidal but not active intent and that I believe I could keep myself safe at home. Even then I know it will be weeks before they let me go home. I'm so tired. Numb. Hopeless. Why can't there be any grace for the chronically suffering? Why is there no degree of mental agony and failure to find relief to be enough for people to say it's okay to let go?

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been sectioned, so I know what it's like. I faked so hard from day one (very gradually and I was out in 3 weeks), which is why I managed to get out so quickly. It's easier if you're naturally a person that can fake it (some can't and their face shows it all).

This is my suggestion to you - fake it, but again, do it gradually so the staff won't notice, because if you do it fast, they will know something is up.

Don't worry about being rude, I wasn't myself in the psych ward either, no one is -and no one can get better that way, impossible. But the best thing to do is breathe all that hatred in, suck it all in and release it when you get out. Don't show you're annoyed or anything, show you 'understand' they are merely doing their job and all that total bullshit that we are led to believe.

Correct me if I'm wrong, you seem to have a bit of hope there? You said you're exhausted from faking it, so that tells me you want help? If you want help, I'd still suggesting getting out as quickly as possible, because it isn't going to help you being there, unless the staff are decent and you're not on 24 hour watch.

It is absolutely disgusting that people are locked away for wanting to die. Locked away and treated worse than a fucking serial killer. I really do feel for you, I'm so sorry you're going through this

I really hope it eases for you, somewhat.

 

[willitpass]

Correct me if I'm wrong, you seem to have a bit of hope there? You said you're exhausted from faking it, so that tells me you want help? If you want help, I'd still suggesting getting out as quickly as possible, because it isn't going to help you being there, unless the staff are decent and you're not on 24 hour watch.

I don't believe there is any help left for me, and even if there was, I am too tired for it. I have been sick for over a decade. I was 9 when I first became depressed. I have been inpatient 10 times, this is my second residential, I've tried med after med after med, CBT, DBT, IOP, ECT, lifestyle changes, etc. You name it I've tried it short of ketamine. I have tried and tried and tried yet things have only gotten worse. The only reason I went to the hospital back in October was fear of the idea of setting myself on fire, which has been what my mind has decided on as my next method to CTB. I had the smallest possible shred of hope that maybe I could find one last thing to help me, something to make it so I wouldn't have to die that way. With time that fear has faded. And so has that hope. I have been in the hospital nearly 10 weeks and nothing has changed. I am simply meant to die, and if it's the most painful method possible then so be it.

 

[willitpass]

I don't see any way out of this hell I'm in other than death. We went on our weekly outing to the grocery store yesterday. This was my first time being able to go. We're not allowed down the medication aisles, but we stopped right outside the eye-drop aisle for a minute to talk about something. I stared down at the Visine and the urge to just go and grab as many bottles of it as I could get my hands on was so strong. I know for a fact if I were not being actively watched by a staff member I would have done it. There's no way they'll release me if they know that I'm still feeling like this, but they don't keep people over 8 weeks, so I don't know what they would do with me. I don't have it in me to lie any longer, but I need to find a way to get that ability back because I cannot do this.

 

[SVEN]

All I can do is to tell you that you have been heard. I'm so sorry for this mental and physical hell you inhabit. Every good wish for release.

 

[willitpass]

Went to the gym and ran for a bit today. That helped for a while but the runners high is coming down now. I keep catching myself scoping out the campus and thinking of ways I could obtain a lighter and something flammable and where I could go to do it that wouldn't risk setting something else on fire and putting others in danger. If I behave well enough I may be granted passes to go on outings by myself and I could do it.

 

[willitpass]

Went out again for another group outing today. It really just feels so far out of reach ever being able to find life worth living. I just keep playing out how I can possibly go through with CTB before even being discharged. I can't do this.