aikou
fix me, machine; heal me, flesh.
- Jun 3, 2024
- 20
Hello, SS.
I kind of feel bad only coming here whenever I am depressed, but I guess we should help each other in times of need.
This is really just venting; nothing more, nothing less. If you don't want to read it and just wish to leave an uplifting comment, I'll accept it gladly.
I've been inactive since late July; things surprisingly got better. I still can't go to crowded places, but I'm able to enter the supermarket now and even look at the cashier in the eyes, which is great progress if you ask me. No, I haven't gone to school, and no, I haven't got a job. I've just been playing with my friends, whom I love dearly for all of their support and presence in my life. I tried some of the tips I got from my last recovery thread. I still don't even wash my face or teeth regularly, but it's a lot better than a few months ago, when I was practically contemplating suicide on a daily and cutting myself whenever given the chance.
After such a lengthy time without a psychologist or psychiatrist, I somehow felt better. It's a lot easier to have you understand yourself over time than to have someone else who you know is only on the other side of the table for money and truly doesn't care less about your condition (after all, we're the rascals who put money in their pockets) trying to force you into what they believe is the reasonable approach. True, they are professionals, but it's something so personal, and it's about your mentality, not about the other person's experience.
Today I finally had my psychiatric appointment, and wouldn't you know it took less than 10 minutes. Reminder: I had never met this man in my entire life, nor had he ever met me. He didn't even care to ask or look through my medical records. I don't recall when I last attempted CTB, but still, to dismiss someone completely because you've been under the illusion of stability for 4 months—not even half a year, just 4 months—is fucking disgusting to me.
He dismissed me, said I was stable enough, and told me to just move on. He wasn't a person of many words, or maybe he was, and he simply found me unpleasant, but to wait several months for a psychiatric appointment to just be told to basically fuck off, fuck you and your anxieties, go back to society, and pretend like nothing ever happened is beyond repulsing. It's revolting, especially when you've held the illusion that everyone deep inside has some kind of goodwill regardless, mostly due to me just being isolated from society for so long, I pretty much forgot what it meant to be rejected again.
If I recall correctly, last time I posted here was because of the one I believe I lost, someone who I held dear that suddenly disappeared with no explanation, that really reshaped my entire life for the past 4 months, and if you somehow remember that or wish for an update, no, she did not get back to me, no, there have been absolutely no updates on any of her socials (I realize this kind of makes me seem obsessive or "stalkerish," which at this point I might be, but to be completely honest, that wouldn't be the worst thing I've done), just radio silence. Thankfully, with a lot of help, I've gotten over it, even if some times my heart aches and I wish to feel love for another person once again.
Of course, living my life as is, being sensitive since my first steps, and being basically discouraged by a psychiatrist is hurting me a lot.
I'm in fear; I fear I'll start to kill myself again; I fear I'll start to cut myself again; I fear I'll lose the faith I held onto again.
I don't ask for help; I believe it would be selfish to rely on people that I have never even talked to and that are probably having it a lot worse than I have. These problems are all so tiny in comparison to some of the things I've read here, yet I feel helpless and desperate.
If you've read all of this, I thank you for your attention; truly, I appreciate it.
Aikou out.
I kind of feel bad only coming here whenever I am depressed, but I guess we should help each other in times of need.
This is really just venting; nothing more, nothing less. If you don't want to read it and just wish to leave an uplifting comment, I'll accept it gladly.
I've been inactive since late July; things surprisingly got better. I still can't go to crowded places, but I'm able to enter the supermarket now and even look at the cashier in the eyes, which is great progress if you ask me. No, I haven't gone to school, and no, I haven't got a job. I've just been playing with my friends, whom I love dearly for all of their support and presence in my life. I tried some of the tips I got from my last recovery thread. I still don't even wash my face or teeth regularly, but it's a lot better than a few months ago, when I was practically contemplating suicide on a daily and cutting myself whenever given the chance.
After such a lengthy time without a psychologist or psychiatrist, I somehow felt better. It's a lot easier to have you understand yourself over time than to have someone else who you know is only on the other side of the table for money and truly doesn't care less about your condition (after all, we're the rascals who put money in their pockets) trying to force you into what they believe is the reasonable approach. True, they are professionals, but it's something so personal, and it's about your mentality, not about the other person's experience.
Today I finally had my psychiatric appointment, and wouldn't you know it took less than 10 minutes. Reminder: I had never met this man in my entire life, nor had he ever met me. He didn't even care to ask or look through my medical records. I don't recall when I last attempted CTB, but still, to dismiss someone completely because you've been under the illusion of stability for 4 months—not even half a year, just 4 months—is fucking disgusting to me.
He dismissed me, said I was stable enough, and told me to just move on. He wasn't a person of many words, or maybe he was, and he simply found me unpleasant, but to wait several months for a psychiatric appointment to just be told to basically fuck off, fuck you and your anxieties, go back to society, and pretend like nothing ever happened is beyond repulsing. It's revolting, especially when you've held the illusion that everyone deep inside has some kind of goodwill regardless, mostly due to me just being isolated from society for so long, I pretty much forgot what it meant to be rejected again.
If I recall correctly, last time I posted here was because of the one I believe I lost, someone who I held dear that suddenly disappeared with no explanation, that really reshaped my entire life for the past 4 months, and if you somehow remember that or wish for an update, no, she did not get back to me, no, there have been absolutely no updates on any of her socials (I realize this kind of makes me seem obsessive or "stalkerish," which at this point I might be, but to be completely honest, that wouldn't be the worst thing I've done), just radio silence. Thankfully, with a lot of help, I've gotten over it, even if some times my heart aches and I wish to feel love for another person once again.
Of course, living my life as is, being sensitive since my first steps, and being basically discouraged by a psychiatrist is hurting me a lot.
I'm in fear; I fear I'll start to kill myself again; I fear I'll start to cut myself again; I fear I'll lose the faith I held onto again.
I don't ask for help; I believe it would be selfish to rely on people that I have never even talked to and that are probably having it a lot worse than I have. These problems are all so tiny in comparison to some of the things I've read here, yet I feel helpless and desperate.
If you've read all of this, I thank you for your attention; truly, I appreciate it.
Aikou out.
