Venting Nothing will ever go my way and I'm tired of dragging out this exercise of futility

[cannibalismchan]

I've attempted to CtB, and I backed out only because I wanted to stay for my friends. The exception being the first attempt because I the pills i tried to OD on happened to be herbal.
I came from a house where I was constantly lambasted and pinned upon as the black sheep of my family, if my Mom wasn't saying horrible things to me, my Dad was using loopholes in the law to physically abuse me [if it dosen't leave a mark or some bullshit]

I've given up on love, when I finally found the perfect person I discover that it may be very likely that she's cheating on me because of some very obvious fucking signs [matching pfps with someone else, someone claiming she has A 'bf' (im a girl, we're in a lesbian relationship), this very same guy being mentioned in her bio alteast once] even though I told her time and time again that I just wanted someone to trust and love, something i never felt like i had up till i met her. To add salt to the wound she told me I was the only person who ever made her feel genuinely loved by a romantic partner, so I'm assuming that's just thrown out the fucking window now.

I may have friends but I lost a good chunk of them because some asshole decided to be funny and throw me under the bus by continuing a drama we both resolved, and that lead to me being not only exiled from my main friend group [even though he's a huge fucking hypocrite, i'll elaborate if you want], but made me realize I really can't fucking trust anyone anymore.

I've tried living for other people, I've tried living for myself, but if I'm just going to die anyways and live a life without any sort of significant benefit outside of working as some fucking wagecuck until i shrivel up in a hospital bed and get whisked up into some land that'll either be better or worse than this.

I see 0 point in living or continuing on, I just feel it's only going to get worse as i move on, anytime i had something good happen to me it's always turned into something shitty or something else just comes in and nullifies it, and everyone constantly tells me 'you can make it better, you can make it better', but the more this fucking bullshit happens the less i believe it to be true.

I was at the peak of my mental state for like a week until my mom got shoved down the stairs by her neighbors [who also did horrid and illegalthings to her], the cops did jack shit, her mental health is just continuing to spiral and there's nothing i can do about it.

My Dad has gotten worse to me than how he was back when I was younger, and it's impossible to see any form of accountability from him for his actions unless the police are involved, because when he's not making my left arm bleed he has this mask up that's good enough to make everyone love him

I've been growing more cynical and jaded with everything as my life goes on, I don't think there will be anything that will be worth living for in the near future, and I'm so tired of living my life like this, and above all else I'm tired of being too scared to kill myself. I just wanna get over that fear and have it be done with that way I don't need to fucking worry about this fucking torment anymore, I've lived all my life to slowly learn that I'm just some sick fucking joke of a human being, my lifes just a sick fucking joke where everyone lies to me to make me happy only to pull those strings and make me feel worse and worse about myself, until suddenly they feel they have enough and begin to fucking pity me.

They always say I'm strong for being 'resilient' but I'm so fucking tired of just sitting through all of this, I just want to fucking die in peace.
I'm certain my next attempt will be my last.
I plan to slash my wrists and neck in the bathtub and just lay back and slowly drift off until i lose conciousness

 

[Inthewind]

Man that stinks, all that stinks, at least until you die, i hope you can find a way to escape like leave that place like that place experience enviroment stinkkks. Like is there any way to try to bring your mom and you both leave from the situation? Like you can contact them later if you miss someone, or maybe you can try get her later after you find a place away from them, if your not of age and legal place havent helped you then, I iddddk like prepare create plan to get away or at least get your mom out before you die.. Also heccck that dude who threw you under the bus in the friendgroup, if you see them and dont have evidence that your the clear one who didnt do the thing, if theres any people who you particularly enjoyed and havent blocked you then attempt if you really want to, throw away cares of what the other people think, so you can hopefully get them back if you really want to, buuut also if they dare think that you did what you didnt wont hear you out thenn heck them they are not worth it if the first chance they get at teaming against you and evicting you from the group then heck themmm for believing that without questioning the legitamacy.

 

[ipmanwc0]

I don't think this method should be your first choice

 

[cannibalismchan]

I don't think this method should be your first choice

It wasn't my first choice for a while

Man that stinks, all that stinks, at least until you die, i hope you can find a way to escape like leave that place like that place experience enviroment stinkkks. Like is there any way to try to bring your mom and you both leave from the situation? Like you can contact them later if you miss someone, or maybe you can try get her later after you find a place away from them, if your not of age and legal place havent helped you then, I iddddk like prepare create plan to get away or at least get your mom out before you die.. Also heccck that dude who threw you under the bus in the friendgroup, if you see them and dont have evidence that your the clear one who didnt do the thing, if theres any people who you particularly enjoyed and havent blocked you then attempt if you really want to, throw away cares of what the other people think, so you can hopefully get them back if you really want to, buuut also if they dare think that you did what you didnt wont hear you out thenn heck them they are not worth it if the first chance they get at teaming against you and evicting you from the group then heck themmm for believing that without questioning the legitamacy.

Parents are divorced and me and my Mom don't get along well, we both have very severe mental problems and they don't rub off on each other at all, so if I stay with her it'll just bring more problems.
Even if I get out of my current situation I honestly just see 0 reason to live, and truth is what this post covers is the tip of the iceberg, i've had a pretty awful life that left me extremely cynical and jaded at a rather young age, and as much as i tried to deny such jadedness it kinda just stuck with me and now it's a central part of who I am

Man that stinks, all that stinks, at least until you die, i hope you can find a way to escape like leave that place like that place experience enviroment stinkkks. Like is there any way to try to bring your mom and you both leave from the situation? Like you can contact them later if you miss someone, or maybe you can try get her later after you find a place away from them, if your not of age and legal place havent helped you then, I iddddk like prepare create plan to get away or at least get your mom out before you die.. Also heccck that dude who threw you under the bus in the friendgroup, if you see them and dont have evidence that your the clear one who didnt do the thing, if theres any people who you particularly enjoyed and havent blocked you then attempt if you really want to, throw away cares of what the other people think, so you can hopefully get them back if you really want to, buuut also if they dare think that you did what you didnt wont hear you out thenn heck them they are not worth it if the first chance they get at teaming against you and evicting you from the group then heck themmm for believing that without questioning the legitamacy.

Parents are divorced and me and my Mom don't get along well, we both have very severe mental problems and they don't rub off on each other at all, so if I stay with her it'll just bring more problems.
Even if I get out of my current situation I honestly just see 0 reason to live, and truth is what this post covers is the tip of the iceberg, i've had a pretty awful life that left me extremely cynical and jaded at a rather young age, and as much as i tried to deny such jadedness it kinda just stuck with me and now it's a central part of who I am

It wasn't my first choice for a while

Parents are divorced and me and my Mom don't get along well, we both have very severe mental problems and they don't rub off on each other at all, so if I stay with her it'll just bring more problems.
Even if I get out of my current situation I honestly just see 0 reason to live, and truth is what this post covers is the tip of the iceberg, i've had a pretty awful life that left me extremely cynical and jaded at a rather young age, and as much as i tried to deny such jadedness it kinda just stuck with me and now it's a central part of who I am

Parents are divorced and me and my Mom don't get along well, we both have very severe mental problems and they don't rub off on each other at all, so if I stay with her it'll just bring more problems.
Even if I get out of my current situation I honestly just see 0 reason to live, and truth is what this post covers is the tip of the iceberg, i've had a pretty awful life that left me extremely cynical and jaded at a rather young age, and as much as i tried to deny such jadedness it kinda just stuck with me and now it's a central part of who I am

As for 'the guy who threw me under the bus', their too loyal to him.
I shown the evidence, but nothing changed, I didn't want anything to change either because it'd just piss more people off, their just that loyal to him.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired of suffering here, it sounds really awful what you've been through, I certainly do hate how humans create so much harm. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you are searching for.

 

[cannibalismchan]

update: she still loves me, i was just paranoid n shit

i suffer from really severe paranoia

 

[cannibalismchan]

Guy who 'threw me under the bus' (appearently) is now one of my closest friends but im 10x as miserable as I was when I made this post