How does it feel... Is very hard to explain
Extreme anxiety. Like there is something bad going on that needs immediate fixing. Not able to think positive or constructive. Suicidal ideation. Constant fear of the worst.
Despite all this shit I still do fun things with friends. Like I had dinner in a restaurant and saw a movie in the theatre today. Sometimes its just drinking beer in the pub or watch movie at home. Or going to a dance party. Big asterix here is that those are usually in the evening, when I feel less terrible usually plus alcohol and drugs give relief. So I do fun stuff usually in the weekends.
Ok. Those symptoms usually indicate either trauma (which can be repressed with traumatic amnesia like in SRA cases which I hope is not your case, or unrecognized which often happens in child abuse as well for instance), great amounts of stress / pressure, existential crisis, or a massive health imbalance, possibly of the nervous system.
Whenever I feel panicky I do stuff that makes me feel grounded, sometimes I even touch the wood of the table I'm sitting at and observe my surroundings for that purpose because it calms my nervous system. It works best for me to go outside to a safe place and engage with people either in there or online on my phone as much as possible, but also just to chill and enjoy the moment, playing games and doing fun activities helps a lot.
Other times and when I'm stuck inside because of my condition I guess I only have videos / series to watch, podcasts to listen to, books to read, games to play and some chores to do, but engaging with people when I manage to find someone to talk to is what makes the most sense in my situation because social bonds are what I lack. Now it doesn't make sense that none of my efforts go anywhere but that's something else. Stretching and doing light movements can help too.
I also talk to myself internally to try and reassure myself, sit myself down or go for a walk, listen to calming music which often shifts the energy well, I've also successfully used essential oils during panic attacks. Usually when I'm completely overwhelmed I either focus on something else entirely (I watch something for instance) or repeat mantras of my invention that relate to improving my situation, sometimes I also "nurse myself" internally or externally and tell myself like to a baby / hospitalized patient "we're going to do this helpful thing now, it's gonna be ok, if it's not enough we're gonna do this other thing", of course it's no panacea but it prevents me from getting a stroke or heart attack in that moment I guess.
When you can be creative in some way I think it's also helpful. Gathering helpful information about your problem can also be soothing. If you have animals they can be a good support.
But ultimately finding the cause and a way to remedy it is necessary... It requires exploration without stressing yourself too much all at once.
Hasn't meditation helped you in any way figuring out what felt wrong ? Or talking to someone else about your situation ?
It's funny how you feel better in the evening when it's usually the opposite for me. It's good that you have friends at least.
