ambivalent_thespian
Depressed Theatre Adult
- Oct 5, 2023
- 30
I objectively know that I have people who would care if I wasn't here anymore. I live with my parents, and they do feel somewhat of a desire to care for me. My little brother is autistic, so I doubt he'd understand the concept of grief, which isn't really his fault at all.
I have a best friend, and we're still in regular contact. I could text her right now even because I know she's still up. She works at a restaurant on the weekends and her boyfriend is a pissbaby but I'll tolerate him to keep her happy.
I might be getting back with my ex girlfriend. We have a date planned for this Saturday. We're going to the aquarium because I felt jealous of some classmates who went without me back in June. She's really pretty but she's kind of awkward on phone calls.
We're in the digital age, and I'm a "photogenic white girl". I'm only 18, still a child in the eyes of some. It would be considered a tragedy instead of an inevitability. People would bring casseroles to my mother and my brother would forever be known as "the kid whose sister killed herself".
I read on here all the time about people who experienced homelessness. Who are estranged from their family. Going through marital problems. Those without the resources to receive proper help and even if they did, they lack a support system to help them follow through with their better habits, so they worry (or know) that they'll just fall back into the darkness.
People would cry at my hospital bed and I would tell them to leave.
Mounds and mounds of self hatred engulf me because I would actually rather die before I have an open and honest conversation with my mother about my 'feelings' or whatever. Or my father, grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins and all those in between.
There are people whose parents aren't around anymore, or who can't contact them for fear of their own safety. And here I am being a little bitch about talking to mine.
People would kill for the life I have and I want to die living in mine.
I can objectively say that I have admirable traits. I think everyone does, even if you can't see them. Even if the bad outweighs the good. I can list things I admire about people whom I never wish to speak to again. People call me pretty and I don't think they're lying. People call me smart, funny, talented, thoughtful, kind, any and all of the above. Jack off to my instagram, why dontcha? Who fucking cared if I was 18 or 8 in those pictures?
I have everything I've ever wanted and I'm miserable!
I don't see myself as a virtuous person, I view myself as someone who just has some decency. A good person could never be anything like me and I can never figure out why.
The bar for being good is set so low these days that anyone who isn't an outright criminal might as well be nominated for sainthood.
I'm bad because I'm fucked in the head and I always have been. I'm bad because I'm a self entitled bitch. I'm bad because most religions fucking despise me. I'm bad because of things I can and cannot control.
I'm bad because a good person wouldn't keep staying in these bad situations when the way out is so goddamn simple.
I have a support system that I will not seek support from. I've never seen an adult psychologist and why even bother trying? The child ones were sucky enough to turn me off for life.
Am I gone too soon or did I remain too long? Can you prevent a chosen fate? Can a remedy be a tragedy if you don't believe that the end justifies the means?
And to what end?
I have a best friend, and we're still in regular contact. I could text her right now even because I know she's still up. She works at a restaurant on the weekends and her boyfriend is a pissbaby but I'll tolerate him to keep her happy.
I might be getting back with my ex girlfriend. We have a date planned for this Saturday. We're going to the aquarium because I felt jealous of some classmates who went without me back in June. She's really pretty but she's kind of awkward on phone calls.
We're in the digital age, and I'm a "photogenic white girl". I'm only 18, still a child in the eyes of some. It would be considered a tragedy instead of an inevitability. People would bring casseroles to my mother and my brother would forever be known as "the kid whose sister killed herself".
I read on here all the time about people who experienced homelessness. Who are estranged from their family. Going through marital problems. Those without the resources to receive proper help and even if they did, they lack a support system to help them follow through with their better habits, so they worry (or know) that they'll just fall back into the darkness.
People would cry at my hospital bed and I would tell them to leave.
Mounds and mounds of self hatred engulf me because I would actually rather die before I have an open and honest conversation with my mother about my 'feelings' or whatever. Or my father, grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins and all those in between.
There are people whose parents aren't around anymore, or who can't contact them for fear of their own safety. And here I am being a little bitch about talking to mine.
People would kill for the life I have and I want to die living in mine.
I can objectively say that I have admirable traits. I think everyone does, even if you can't see them. Even if the bad outweighs the good. I can list things I admire about people whom I never wish to speak to again. People call me pretty and I don't think they're lying. People call me smart, funny, talented, thoughtful, kind, any and all of the above. Jack off to my instagram, why dontcha? Who fucking cared if I was 18 or 8 in those pictures?
I have everything I've ever wanted and I'm miserable!
I don't see myself as a virtuous person, I view myself as someone who just has some decency. A good person could never be anything like me and I can never figure out why.
The bar for being good is set so low these days that anyone who isn't an outright criminal might as well be nominated for sainthood.
I'm bad because I'm fucked in the head and I always have been. I'm bad because I'm a self entitled bitch. I'm bad because most religions fucking despise me. I'm bad because of things I can and cannot control.
I'm bad because a good person wouldn't keep staying in these bad situations when the way out is so goddamn simple.
I have a support system that I will not seek support from. I've never seen an adult psychologist and why even bother trying? The child ones were sucky enough to turn me off for life.
Am I gone too soon or did I remain too long? Can you prevent a chosen fate? Can a remedy be a tragedy if you don't believe that the end justifies the means?
And to what end?
