obsession on followers

[iinternetangel]

this is a bit of a stupid ramble, but I want to be famous so bad. it's unhealthy, not in real life, actor famous, but online famous. I need to be internet famous, followers bring me so much comfort. I get excited when I see them. I once lost an account with 3k followers, and threw a crying fit where I almost destroyed my phone. its like a yearning, I'm an internet addict with a need to be famous. when I make an account on almost anything, I immediately pray pretend and try to fit into a persona where I can be idolized. every time I gain a follower, I get so excited I cant breathe. I want to be able to log on and immediately get flooded with praise and more followers; I have no other goals in life other then to become famous online, no matter what the cost is. anytime I can, I go on my phone with the hopes of getting a new follow. I've been cancelled plenty of times, once, a few years ago when I was further into this obsession, I even tried to start an internet cult out of the need for follows and praise. it was going well until my.. co owner of the cult got mad at me and exposed it. I was very angry, I had studied for months on the psychology of cults and how they work. I did that much work, studying and writing things down out of the excitement that once I made one, id be praised like an /angel/ with aa bunch of followers. pretty stupid. no one really cared besides the people in it. I was even stalked for months online but refused to delete my account LOLOL. I hope this doesn't come off as a vent.. I just wanna ramble. I really wish I was famous. an internet angel. (for those who know the reference, haha.) I play dumb and sweet in hopes I'll become idolized, remembered. it's funny, I can't really take myself serious. what do u guys think?

 

[quietpill]

this is an interesting read, not surprising in the current day and age. social media has created a society of dopamine & attention addicts like never before, and that's really pushed and cultivated by social media apps etcetc. i think it's honestly incredibly funny (with no disrespect to you!) and refreshingly honest to hear you talk about putting so much genuine effort into trying to start an internet cult, it makes me wish i could've seen it and joined, heheh.

it's also a bit funny because i've always been a bit the opposite. social media is difficult to keep up with, i once had an account with upwards of 3-4k followers and it annoyed me so bad i deleted it and wiped nearly everything that made that following off the internet. its actually something ive come to regret, so i can definitely only imagine the full extent of your upset with losing it all. i respect the grind though.

 

[iinternetangel]

HAHAHA thank you! it was insane, I would watch videos on how they work&how to make them for days on end, including videos of past cases. when it got caught I was so mad, but too lazy to try and make another. I admit it was a bit silly.!

 

[quietpill]

HAHAHA thank you! it was insane, I would watch videos on how they work&how to make them for days on end, including videos of past cases. when it got caught I was so mad, but too lazy to try and make another. I admit it was a bit silly.!

Well if you ever start anew, you've got a recruit in me (⁠●⁠´⁠⌓⁠`⁠●⁠)

 

[PianoGoat]

I actually feel you on this.
I've developed a similar behaviour (wanting to be famous online) because of how i was treated irl.
I ended up "getting over" this behaviour (noticed that no amount of number gave me happiness or made me felt validated, always wanted more).

What i can tell you is that with years passing, i've realized how important even just 1 person can be. I'd rather have a single follower who genuinely cares, talks and enjoys my presence than a million of unknown people.

If i had to give a reason for why i developed this behaviour, i used to think that maybe if i was succesful online, all the people who hated me irl because of my physical appearance would find something "cool" or "good" in me. Really childish but it was a behaviour i had back in high school.

I also used to wonder about being able to kill my body but leave my consciousness inside of my online persona and still be THAT version of me.
Your experience is incredibly deep, way more than it seems, and i think you can eventually get over it, expecially since it brings you so much pain and makes you feel insane.

I really appreciated reading the message too :), you seem like a genuine person, so maybe if you tried being more sincere to yourself, and realized what exactly your needs are, you'd find what will make you feel alright with yourself.
And thank you for sharing your story, i hope this helps you find the strength to find yourself better:)

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's really interesting. You can't be alone either. There must be lots of people who feel this need. I guess we all need to feel appreciated. I feel so much better when I've been complimented for my work. Most especially if it's someone who I share mutual admiration for. It makes a huge difference to me. It will even stop me quitting a project. That's happened in the past. The project was so ridiculous basically. So ambitious for such a small budget. I was annoyed and about to throw the towel in but the person I worked for sent a very flattering email that made me believe in myself again.

I think you're kind of brave depending on the general population though. I've seen fans turn on their creators. Did you ever get trolls etc? How did you deal with that? I don't think I could handle the rough that comes with the smooth with this sort of thing.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Very fitting pfp

 

[iinternetangel]

It's really interesting. You can't be alone either. There must be lots of people who feel this need. I guess we all need to feel appreciated. I feel so much better when I've been complimented for my work. Most especially if it's someone who I share mutual admiration for. It makes a huge difference to me. It will even stop me quitting a project. That's happened in the past. The project was so ridiculous basically. So ambitious for such a small budget. I was annoyed and about to throw the towel in but the person I worked for sent a very flattering email that made me believe in myself again.

I think you're kind of brave depending on the general population though. I've seen fans turn on their creators. Did you ever get trolls etc? How did you deal with that? I don't think I could handle the rough that comes with the smooth with this sort of thing.

well.. I'd get pretty mad. full on fits of anger and crying, until I'd just pile on my own fans to harass them. definitely wasn't my best moment or a good thought process, but yeah. I'd just cry and then tell my fans to harass the person, so I felt better.

 

[derpyderpins]

this is a bit of a stupid ramble, but I want to be famous so bad. it's unhealthy, not in real life, actor famous, but online famous. I need to be internet famous, followers bring me so much comfort. I get excited when I see them. I once lost an account with 3k followers, and threw a crying fit where I almost destroyed my phone. its like a yearning, I'm an internet addict with a need to be famous. when I make an account on almost anything, I immediately pray pretend and try to fit into a persona where I can be idolized. every time I gain a follower, I get so excited I cant breathe. I want to be able to log on and immediately get flooded with praise and more followers; I have no other goals in life other then to become famous online, no matter what the cost is. anytime I can, I go on my phone with the hopes of getting a new follow. I've been cancelled plenty of times, once, a few years ago when I was further into this obsession, I even tried to start an internet cult out of the need for follows and praise. it was going well until my.. co owner of the cult got mad at me and exposed it. I was very angry, I had studied for months on the psychology of cults and how they work. I did that much work, studying and writing things down out of the excitement that once I made one, id be praised like an /angel/ with aa bunch of followers. pretty stupid. no one really cared besides the people in it. I was even stalked for months online but refused to delete my account LOLOL. I hope this doesn't come off as a vent.. I just wanna ramble. I really wish I was famous. an internet angel. (for those who know the reference, haha.) I play dumb and sweet in hopes I'll become idolized, remembered. it's funny, I can't really take myself serious. what do u guys think?

I can definitely appreciate the draw. Fame has been a daydream of mine for a long time. I always wanted to make something that would be famous, probably music. The thought, I guess, was that if enough people benefitted from something unique to me and approved of it, then I could objectively feel good about myself.

 

[Sunü (素女)]

Reminds me of this vocaloid song:

 

[iinternetangel]

Reminds me of this vocaloid song:

ahh thanks for sharing this song.. I can definitely say I resonate with it.!!!!

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

this is a bit of a stupid ramble, but I want to be famous so bad. it's unhealthy, not in real life, actor famous, but online famous. I need to be internet famous, followers bring me so much comfort. I get excited when I see them. I once lost an account with 3k followers, and threw a crying fit where I almost destroyed my phone. its like a yearning, I'm an internet addict with a need to be famous. when I make an account on almost anything, I immediately pray pretend and try to fit into a persona where I can be idolized. every time I gain a follower, I get so excited I cant breathe. I want to be able to log on and immediately get flooded with praise and more followers; I have no other goals in life other then to become famous online, no matter what the cost is. anytime I can, I go on my phone with the hopes of getting a new follow. I've been cancelled plenty of times, once, a few years ago when I was further into this obsession, I even tried to start an internet cult out of the need for follows and praise. it was going well until my.. co owner of the cult got mad at me and exposed it. I was very angry, I had studied for months on the psychology of cults and how they work. I did that much work, studying and writing things down out of the excitement that once I made one, id be praised like an /angel/ with aa bunch of followers. pretty stupid. no one really cared besides the people in it. I was even stalked for months online but refused to delete my account LOLOL. I hope this doesn't come off as a vent.. I just wanna ramble. I really wish I was famous. an internet angel. (for those who know the reference, haha.) I play dumb and sweet in hopes I'll become idolized, remembered. it's funny, I can't really take myself serious. what do u guys think?

Surprisingly, I can relate to this. I'm a shy, quiet person and always kept a minimal social media presence. But then ealier this year out of I had a manic episode and out of nowhere I became absolutely obsessive about adding followers. I was trying to start an organization, so I was using social media to publish information and growing my followers did make practical sense. The obsessiveness and excitement I experienced from it was intense.

What really keyed me up was reaching important people, so I would send connection requests to leaders at organizations I wanted to eventually work with. That was a reasonable approach, but then I started sending out as many requests as possible to people in very high places, and it was working! My followers included around 12 White House advisors, the Governor of California, heads of the Department of Energy Labs that develop nuclear weapons, professional sports stars, journalists at major news organizations, and all kids of high level influencial people.

I probably had about 3-4k followers across platforms, not a huge number but potentially big impact. The problem was how to use this following. I didn't have content for such a random group of influencial people, and any content I posted would be seen by them so I had to be careful. My ideas were absurdly overambitious, thankfully I didn't post too many of them because it was embarrassing, and I've had to delete it all after the mania subsided.

Once my mania went away I completely lost interest in social media and locked everything down out of embarrassment. So I completely understand the thrill in getting followers, but I was deeply scarred by my experience with it.

 

[noname223]

This is exactly the mindset I follow when it comes to my account on Sanctioned Suicide. The same exact strategy. (jk)
I hope this is not offensive. On Twitter I once was desperate for followers but it was so toxic and a waste of time. I felt better when I got rid of this pattern of behavior.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I can definitely appreciate the draw. Fame has been a daydream of mine for a long time. I always wanted to make something that would be famous, probably music. The thought, I guess, was that if enough people benefitted from something unique to me and approved of it, then I could objectively feel good about myself.

How many famous people are universally loved? The more famous you are, the more criticism you are subjected to over and over.

 

[derpyderpins]

How many famous people are universally loved? The more famous you are, the more criticism you are subjected to over and over.

I don't necessarily want love with that desire. I've got love. I feel sufficiently loved, just not that I deserve the love. Even hated athletes/musicians/etc, when they're very good, people have to admit that they are good. It's that validation that I think is the core of the daydream. It's one of the only objective metrics that can tell you for sure that you are in the good part of the bell curve: people who have 0 bias in your personal favor approving of what you put out there for judgment, choosing you among other options when they have unlimited options and access.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I don't necessarily want love with that desire. I've got love. I feel sufficiently loved, just not that I deserve the love.

Love in the sense of appreciation. I'll leave not deserving love alone for now. As long as you can remain receptive to other people's feelings and that will pave the way to believing you are genuinely worthy of them.

It sounds like you mainly want a lot of people to consistently appreciate something you do, in this case your music. I guess you derive no satisfaction from bring a good lawyer. Entertainment is a brutal industry and not achieving popularity (which is fleeting for most artists) isn't necessarily an indictment of your skill.

Idk. I suspect fame would be a net harm for your mental health as it is now. But hey, what's one more reason to continue to work on your self-perception as I previously encouraged you to do...

I understand though I've always wished to be popular. Not even famous as such but just average-level popularity.

 

[derpyderpins]

Love in the sense of appreciation. I'll leave not deserving love alone for now. As long as you can remain receptive to other people's feelings and that will pave the way to believing you are genuinely worthy of them.

It sounds like you mainly want a lot of people to consistently appreciate something you do, in this case your music. I guess you derive no satisfaction from bring a good lawyer. Entertainment is a brutal industry and not achieving popularity (which is fleeting for most artists) isn't necessarily an indictment of your skill.

Idk. I suspect fame would be a net harm for your mental health as it is now. But hey, what's one more reason to continue to work on your self-perception as I previously encouraged you to do...

I understand though I've always wished to be popular. Not even famous as such but just average-level popularity.

To be clear, it's not something I think about a lot now. Getting older I've come to similar conclusions to you. It's an "if only" that probably wouldn't solve everything. Not like I'm really putting myself out there anyway.

Doing acceptable work for my boss at a firm that's no different than thousands of others isn't in the same category. There isn't really differentiation unless you're in the top 0.00001% ( it would be great to be on the supreme Court! But you'll never be on the supreme Court! ). It's different because there's no personalization. There isn't that sense of "this is my essence, something unique to me that has value." Sure, my words is good and whatnot, but really who cares later?

Doesn't mean I can't get some level of pride from my work eventually, just trying to explain the difference. I've taken your advice to heart. It's tough.

 

[Pluto]

 

[LaVieEnRose]

To be clear, it's not something I think about a lot now. Getting older I've come to similar conclusions to you. It's an "if only" that probably wouldn't solve everything. Not like I'm really putting myself out there anyway.

Doing acceptable work for my boss at a firm that's no different than thousands of others isn't in the same category. There isn't really differentiation unless you're in the top 0.00001% ( it would be great to be on the supreme Court! But you'll never be on the supreme Court! ). It's different because there's no personalization. There isn't that sense of "this is my essence, something unique to me that has value." Sure, my words is good and whatnot, but really who cares later?

Doesn't mean I can't get some level of pride from my work eventually, just trying to explain the difference. I've taken your advice to heart. It's tough.

Most creatives even if talented achieve limited success to varying degrees so even if you were to devote yourself to it, you'd probably have to content yourself with your craft for your craft's sake, independently of what success it has enjoyed.

But your perennial problem is that you only or primarily understand the value of your "essence" in terms of notions like "produce" "create" "achieve". Do you know what the etymology of the word "essence" is? It comes from the Latin verb esse which means "to be", not from the word that means "to do".

 

[derpyderpins]

Most creatives even if talented achieve limited success to varying degrees so even if you were to devote yourself to it, you'd probably have to content yourself with your craft for your craft's sake, independently of what success it has enjoyed.

That's true. I'm not particularly good with branding myself or social media so even if I improved to a state of decency I wouldn't be great at selling it. I do think I could appreciate my progression if I could (or, at my age, if I ever had) focus on improvement.

But your perennial problem is that you only or primarily understand the value of your "essence" in terms of notions like "produce" "create" "achieve". Do you know what the etymology of the word "essence" is? It comes from the Latin verb esse which means "to be", not from the word that means "to do".

"how you live and high you fly, smiles you give and tears you cry, all you touch and all you see, is all your life will ever be."

What am I besides what I do? If you tried to describe me, it would necessarily be about what I do. After all, all you know of me is from words I write, so my production/creation of the words is your only evidence of who I am.

 

[yowai]

I think it's you desperately craving and looking for love and devotion no matter the cost lol. Getting notifications gives you dopamine, attention, you feel seen and validated so it's obviously addictive. You can also be create a different persona, pretend to be a better version of yourself, I guess it's like creating a product for people to buy. You shouldn't be so dependent and obsessed with it though, sometimes it's one wrong post and everyone will turn on you. Or they'll get bored and move on. Most people who get obsessed with internet personalities are teens so they'll grow out of it eventually. Tbh I can't even think of one person that I'd call an "internet angel"

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What am I besides what I do? If you tried to describe me, it would necessarily be about what I do. After all, all you know of me is from words I write, so my production/creation of the words is your only evidence of who I am.

Well, there is simply doing stuff that make up existing as a person in this world and then there is Doing stuff. You can see the distinction. You attach a lot of importance to the stuff that you Do when it comes to evaluating your "essence". (Yeah, I know what society thinks.)

Nice try. Who says I was referring specifically to my understanding or knowledge of you? ;)

Eventually you'll come to appreciate yourself more. It's not something you or someone else can convince you by brute-force. After all, a belief without genuine conviction is just a lie. But eventually you'll reach that place.

(Sorry for the thread derailment.)

 

[derpyderpins]

Well, there is simply doing stuff that make up existing as a person in this world and then there is Doing stuff. You can see the distinction. You attach a lot of importance to the stuff that you Do when it comes to evaluating your "essence". (Yeah, I know what society thinks.)

I know I'm difficult, but I'm actually having a tough time with the distinction. I get the gist of what you're saying but you know I like to distill it to words. Where the line is. How I talk and interact with those around me is the first category. Stuff on my resume is likely the second. This is adjacent to other conversations we've had about getting replaceable. And yeah, you're right, I tend to hyper fixate on results and how they'd be seen by the public rather than my own sense.

Nice try. Who says I was referring specifically to my understanding or knowledge of you? ;)

I deduced it because we're buddies hijacking the thread.