Story OCD and developing more issues

[Starcitty]

I've recently just gotten over suicidal depression. I suffered from it for years and now I want to stay longer or just not end it because of depression. I might not be good at most things but I can at least try.

One day I decided to download this data recovery software because I lost a few gmail accounts I used in the past. The program worked and I managed to get back my emails but then my OCD started kicking in when I went through the files. I was scared I might see something I didn't want to see. The program gathered a lot of cached data from what I believe to be Google Chrome and a lot of it was recent. A lot of the images came from google searches, Youtube thumbnails and other places and it really freaked me out. I stopped using Google Chrome awhile ago but seeing all these random pictures gathered freaked me out tremendously. Some were clearly from what I searched up but others I've never seen before. I even saw HD images of topics I watched on Youtube but never searched up. My anxiety was through the roof while going through all 1,800 of the folders. After this happened I wish I was more tech savy but I'm sadly not.

I also have my laptop connected with a device from my friend and it was clear some of their data might've gotten mixed in with mine. Some of the Youtube thumbnails were clearly from videos they watched and not from me. Even now I'm still terrified, like what if something's on my hard drive that I have no knowledge of y'know. I only ever used it to download art, mangas or movies but I can never be sure. I've even stopped using the laptop. Also because of my OCD I do things that make my situation worse. It feels as if I'm sabotaging myself.

It feels like whenever I get over something major there's always something else worse that gets to me. It's either I'm worrying over nothing or I prepare for the worse like always.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm with you there. I'm so sorry you have these awful feelings, I can relate...
I have OCD. I have to re do tasks constantly because it feels like they are not complete. So if I don't close the door just right, I have to do it again and again until it feels right. Which it never does. This leaves me with a feeling of dread and foreboding which is really powerful, then when anything does go wrong, I feel guilt because it feels like my fault. It leaves me afraid of doing anything at all, I just want to sit in a bubble alone and have no interaction with anything.
I'm 48 and lived my life like this and no one ever knew. I've never found a way to treat it that wasn't worse than the actual condition itself.

 

[ocd is bad]

I'm with you there. I'm so sorry you have these awful feelings, I can relate...
I have OCD. I have to re do tasks constantly because it feels like they are not complete. So if I don't close the door just right, I have to do it again and again until it feels right. Which it never does. This leaves me with a feeling of dread and foreboding which is really powerful, then when anything does go wrong, I feel guilt because it feels like my fault. It leaves me afraid of doing anything at all, I just want to sit in a bubble alone and have no interaction with anything.
I'm 48 and lived my life like this and no one ever knew. I've never found a way to treat it that wasn't worse than the actual condition itself.

I'm the same. The worst is when I'm in public and an OCD thing pops up and I can't do it because people will see. It's such a horrible feeling when my task is left uncompleted, idk where it comes from. OCD sucks.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I had a doozy in the back garden a few weeks ago. I was building a sort of rockery out of massive masonry blocks I could barely lift.
It's bad enough when you have to repeat everything several times when it's just closing a door. Try doing it with a rockery!
It wasn't aligned right the first time and the slabs weren't level the second time...and the third time it was aligned and level but didn't feel right...a whole afternoon left me bruised, broken and kneeling in the yard in tears after having a swearing fit.
I've hidden this from everyone and don't talk about it because they can't understand...I even feel utterly nuts myself sometimes.
It's just things not connecting in my head. I think one thing but I feel another. And feelings always win.